DEAR MISS MANNERS: My email complaint: selective response rates!

If you frequently exchange emails with another person and begin to realize they respond quickly to what is important to them and take forever if it is not -- i.e., it is important only to the sender -- it is offensive and inconsiderate.

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that we already had an instrument that interrupted others and demanded that they give us their attention this instant.

That was what the telephone did before we realized how annoying it was and built in some protection, or even stopped using it. Please do not attempt to impose this demand on a convenient way of getting to people quickly without compromising their ability to sort their messages for degrees of urgency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year my adult children are refusing to attend Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners because my dear cousin, who always hosts, doesn't start cooking until we have arrived.

This means about two or three hours of snacking, drinking cocktails and making conversation before dinner is served. She always provides delicious hors d'oeuvres and wines, but by the time dinner is ready, we are all ready to go home.

My cousin takes great pride in hosting these meals, and after 50 years of eating Thanksgiving turkey together, I really don't want to hurt her feelings. We could all come up with various excuses not to come ... frail elderly mother, new baby, and so forth. Somehow I think we would all be losers by doing this, losing the pleasure of being together with family and hurting my cousin's feelings.

I hope you can help me find a way to talk to her about the problem, and let her know that her approach to hosting is driving all of us away. It seems like she will get her feelings hurt no matter what I do, but I have to do something, because my daughters and their partners are going to be so very obviously absent.

GENTLE READER: Instead of using elderly mothers and new babies as excuses not to come, you might use them instead as excuses to help set time limits. Tell your cousin that you all love coming to her house for the holidays, but that unfortunately it is too much for some family members to make it an all-day event. (Maybe the first time after saying so, offer to come early to help with the preparations and invite the others for a little later. Then you can have a firm hand and eye on the timing.)

Miss Manners sympathizes with your plight and commends your patience not only with your time, but also with your digestive system. It is not easy to eat and drink for three hours before finally sitting down to eat and drink.

It may just be that your cousin enjoys the extra time spent with family on these occasions. If you show that you enjoy it too, but also want to be respectful of others' time, she will likely be much more amenable to your concerns.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a wonderful man for 11 months now, and I will soon be going with him to his hometown to meet his family. One of the family members I will meet is his grandpa.

My boyfriend has informed me that Grandpa has a habit of asking extremely personal questions. Particularly, he tends to ask questions about people's sexual experiences or lack thereof.

From my boyfriend's description of the situation, it seems that nobody in the family has ever pointed out to his grandpa that these types of questions are not appropriate. Furthermore, it has been explained to me that changing the subject or otherwise trying to avoid addressing the question will not work because Grandpa will continue to ask.

Generally, I would respond with something along the lines of, "I don't think that is any of your business." However, since I do not want to start my relationship with my boyfriend's grandpa off on a bad note, I would like to refrain from directly stating that I find the question to be rude and inappropriate. On the other hand, I refuse to divulge this kind of personal information.

In warning me, my boyfriend told me that I should feel free to respond however I feel is appropriate. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: There seems to be a belief that because you will be visiting your boyfriend's family -- perhaps as a prospective daughter-in-law, perhaps not -- that you are the only one being tested. This is incorrect.

Here is a perfect opportunity for your boyfriend to show that while he may be in the habit of tolerating impolite behavior from his relatives toward himself, he will not condone such behavior toward you. Miss Manners suggests you point out to him that you will feel better about making the trip if he will lay the groundwork by having a stern conversation with Grandpa beforehand. If his grandfather persists, you can respond sweetly, "Oh, dear, you know how Evan feels about this."

You want to develop a strong relationship with his family, and you will not be able to do that if your first act has to be fending off undeserved incivilities.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about dressing innocent babies and children in black outfits?

I just cringe when I see people dressing newborns and small children all in black. I thought that one used to wait until they were at least 18 to dress all in black for special occasions or for funerals.

GENTLE READER: Dressing children as if they were adults is undesirable, whether it be putting small boys in faux black tie or preteen girls in revealing dresses. But black for funerals -- or at least dark clothing -- does not come under this ban. Miss Manners prefers it to the Victorians' tendency not only to fail to shield children from funerals, but, in some cases, to feature them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a man in a great relationship with another man. We've been together seven years and moved in together six years ago. My family has come to love and accept my partner as part of our family.

His parents are religious and give me the very cold shoulder/silent treatment. We host Thanksgiving at our house and his parents come over. And even though I do everything to welcome them, they are always rude to me (in my own house). His mother will avoid eye contact and does not say hello or goodbye to me. When I approach to do so, she quickly walks away or turns away.

On the off chance that we make eye contact, she never smiles, but she smiles and is very talkative and the "huggy" type with other people who are here for Thanksgiving. When they leave, they hug everyone and even though I'm standing there smiling, she always makes an obvious choice to not say goodbye or thank you or anything to me.

The year before last, I gave her a hug and told her I was happy they came. She left her arms hanging down and didn't hug me back or say anything at all. So now I end up saying, "Thanks for coming" as they walk away ... then feel stupid for giving them the courtesy that they never give me. This has happened the last three years in our house. Would I be out of line to tell them, "If you don't like me, then get the hell out of my house, and I don't give a rat's behind if I never see you again"? I'm furious because I realize I'm holding back harsh words out of respect for my partner. But I have had enough! What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Well, what about that respect for your partner, who evidently wants to continue to entertain his family in what is, after all, his home too? And what about the aspect of your self-respect that has to do with your behaving decently even when others do not?

It is not Miss Manners to whom you should be appealing. Of course she thinks ignoring you is horribly rude; equally, of course, she is not going to countenance your being horribly rude.

But where is your partner in all this? Could he get his mother under control? If not, would he be willing to give up the family Thanksgiving? If he pleads with you to put up with it once a year for his sake, Miss Manners hopes that he is equally forbearing about something that matters to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me how one is to set the table for dinner? I was taught that the silverware is placed on the left side of the charger plate placed on top of the dinner napkin. My wife says that it should be split up, knife and fork on the left and spoons on the right side of the charger plate. The loser has to cook dinner for a full week.

GENTLE READER: You should both put on your aprons. Piling it all on the napkin is wrong, but so is placing the knife on the left alongside the fork.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)