DEAR MISS MANNERS: My former in-laws refuse to call my daughter by the name she chooses -- her middle name, which is a family historical name on my mother's side. The family knows her preference, but insists that they will continue to call her by her childhood nickname, which ends in "y" and is a nickname for her first name.

She is in her 30s and using her middle name in the town where she has relocated. All her friends, colleagues and employers use her middle name.

I say, shouldn't we call a person by the name they choose?

This gets no response except, "Other people can call her whatever, but she will always be (....y)." They sound so firm and united that I am bewildered. I'm not going to get into an argument with anyone, but this seems rude and domineering to me. Of course my daughter is disappointed in them.

GENTLE READER: While you are correct that it is impolite to address someone by a name they do not use, exceptions are made for family members who remember when, in first grade, your daughter demanded that she henceforth be known as Rapunzel. And for teachers of preschool, where all the girls ask to be called Elsa.

If your daughter cannot allow her grandparents this liberty, likely arising from an affectionate association with her childhood nickname, protesting against it should be left to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for an answering service. Callers don't realize that when they call in the middle of the night.

They think that they are going to speak to someone in the company's office. Often after I say the company's greeting, the caller will ask, "Am I speaking to a real/live person?" They think I am a recording or automated.

What is the correct response to that? Should I just say, "I am not a recording"?

GENTLE READER: Any day now, the recorded messages will be saying that.

Miss Manners understands your frustration, but is even more attuned to that of your callers. You should not take offense at the question, because they genuinely do not know. A greeting as the company's answering service, not the company itself, should help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's mother paid for her entire family (with spouses and children) to go to a Mexican resort for a week, and she graciously included me (even though she'd never met me).

My boyfriend bought the plane ticket, but she paid for the accommodations and food. I bought a card to thank her with while I was there, but in the flurry of getting back up to speed when I got home (I was moving), I forgot to send her the thank-you note until the window closed without it being awkwardly late.

Now four months have passed, and it's on my mind again. How can I repair the damage?

GENTLE READER: Apologize. And apologize again. Grovel. This will, Miss Manners notes, be more convincing if you take the time to write an effusive handwritten letter rather than relying on a store-bought card that is stained by whatever has been sitting on top of it for the past four months.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am caught between two people in a question of holiday meal etiquette. When my mother, the host, asks my longtime boyfriend whether/how he'd like a certain food, and he responds that he doesn't like something, she reacts with shock.

She drags out her exclamations of surprise, even when she has already been told about a certain food quirk. "I've never known anyone who doesn't like such-and-such!" she cries out, as if there must be something wrong with him. "You want such-and-such PLAIN? Oh-kayyy ..." she says with raised eyebrows.

At our last holiday meal, this made him very uncomfortable, and his conversational skills were somewhat lacking for most of the visit. His subsequent one-word answers, looks of annoyance and little sarcastic witticisms didn't help.

I feel conflicted. Sometimes being a good guest means taking a few bites of something you don't really like. But being an adult should mean that you can choose what goes into your body.

I'm sure my mother just isn't thinking when she reacts like this. It can't be fun to be a host who knows that one guest won't eat some of the offerings, but it can't be fun to be a guest who is asked what he likes, only to be treated like he's a weirdo when he answers.

I have tried to smooth things over as well as possible. When my mother asks me for holiday meal suggestions, I mention foods my boyfriend will like, and when these awkward back-and-forths take place, I try to distract from my mother's shock or laugh it off. It occurs to me that for the next meal, I could ask if I can bring a dish or two that I know my boyfriend will like.

I feel like all the pressure is on me to keep everyone happy. My mother and my boyfriend are wonderful people (especially when apart), but lately I've been fantasizing about taking a trip away from both of them for the rest of the holidays -- obviously not a realistic option.

GENTLE READER: These people are speaking different languages, and Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to translate.

Your beau understands your mother to be asking for a critique of various dishes, perhaps with the thought of learning his likes and dislikes so she can please him in the future.

This is not the case. Your mother is asking for compliments. That is always a bad idea, and it would be good if you could get her to stop -- but Miss Manners does not hold out much hope.

You might head her off if you could persuade your beau to issue a compliment -- a general one or, failing that, an enthusiastic response to something he does like. Perhaps you could teach him a little speech, such as, "I was never a sophisticated eater, Mrs. Neffen, but you are a wonderful cook and I'm learning."

Too hard? Tell him to put something -- anything -- into his mouth quickly, smile at her question, and say a long, drawn-out "Mmmmm!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to respond to a good friend/pal when they ask, "Did you think of me today?" A friend responded on Facebook to one of his friends, "No, I did not," and the individual was very angry with that response. Is there a better way to respond?

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that if the friend did not want to receive one of only two possible answers to his question, that he should not have posed it. Not responding at all would have been the more accurate -- and telling -- answer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at the front desk of a prestigious office. Often we get the same visitors and they greet me by name, but usually my only responsibility to them is a friendly greeting as they pass my desk.

After a neck injury, I've taken to wearing a headset for the telephone, and I haven't yet figured out the correct way to handle visitors who can't tell if I am on the phone or not. Should I hang up the telephone or put the caller on hold just to say hello to someone who comes in regularly and is just giving pleasantries?

It seems strange to do that just to say hello. It was easy when I had a regular receiver, as those coming in would just wave and I'd wave back. What do you recommend?

GENTLE READER: That you continue to wave. But now that you have another hand freed up, Miss Manners suggests you use it to add a gesture -- something that indicates that the headset is replacing the receiver, like pointing to it with an apologetic, almost bewildered smile.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son's girlfriend will be joining us this year for Thanksgiving. She is a lovely person who also has celiac disease. I have modified the menu to avoid gluten (simple enough with a spread of vegetables and turkey -- stuffing has never been a huge seller on our table).

The meal will be gluten-free ... with one exception. I want to keep the traditional gravy made with flour. Thanksgiving is the one time of year I eat gravy, and it is my favorite part of the meal. I purchased a gluten-free gravy mix that I plan to prepare and serve with the meal so the young woman may have some of that if she likes.

My husband feels this is terribly rude because the alternative gravy will be inferior to the other. He thinks the appropriate thing would be for me to make one gluten-free gravy by modifying my recipe to use a non-gluten thickener (not a simple task).

Is my plan rude?

GENTLE READER: No. If your son's girlfriend is as lovely as you say she is, then she will appreciate the gesture of making her a second gravy -- and not require that it be the only option for everyone.

Miss Manners certainly acknowledges real health and moral issues that require guests to have special culinary needs. But she only requires of their hosts that they make a valiant effort to give those guests something to eat, not that they adjust the entire menu to accommodate only them. She further entreats the guests to appreciate those efforts, smile politely and eat what they can.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)