DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a small private wedding. Would it be appropriate to send announcements to everyone else saying it is a private ceremony but let them know that we are registered?

GENTLE READER: Like what? "Your presents, but not your presence, are kindly requested"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My children attend a public high school where they are two of the eight students in the school who are not African-American. This was pretty much the case in middle school as well, and was never a problem then.

Now, however, the atmosphere seems to be different. They are seldom addressed by their actual names; instead, their fellows call them by monikers having to do with their race. "Whitey" is the most common, and while I don't think it's in the best of taste, my children tell me it is usually said casually and often with affection. My daughter is also assailed with "Snowflake" by some of the young men with whom she is not familiar, which concerns me more.

I could deal with all that, but there exists a minority of students who emphatically do NOT speak with affection. They call my son names such as "cracker," "honkey" and "white boy," all in a context of outright aggression. My son tries to avoid these people, but they do cross paths from time to time.

I have spoken to the principal and asked him to tell the students in question to mind their manners. He replied that the young men had a right to express their grievances against what he called "the ruling classes," and that they were simply using the common vernacular. He said it was a sign of prejudice on my part to judge their "simple speech" as less worthy of serious consideration than what he termed "the vocabulary of the privileged."

He also claimed that I and my children "owe a debt to the black community" because our race oppressed theirs. Therefore we ought to accept any and all recriminations. When I said that that sounded like racial discrimination, he got quite agitated and told me that "racism doesn't work that way."

I have always tried to treat people decently. I am not aware of having oppressed anyone, and my children certainly haven't. I've already reported the principal to his superiors and have yet to get a response. In the meantime, what ought I to do, and how should my children respond to racial taunts?

GENTLE READER: Do not let them tolerate it. Racial discrimination does, in fact, work that way.

The solution to the abomination of racism, historic and current, is not to fight back with taunts when none are provoked -- especially not with innocent children. This does not promote tolerance on any level.

That this principal is condoning and even encouraging this behavior is appalling and calls into question his agenda, his profession and his morals. Tell your children to respond, "I'm sorry, but I would never call you a derogatory name based on race, and I ask that you treat me as you would want to be treated." And continue to report this principal until action is taken.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My former in-laws refuse to call my daughter by the name she chooses -- her middle name, which is a family historical name on my mother's side. The family knows her preference, but insists that they will continue to call her by her childhood nickname, which ends in "y" and is a nickname for her first name.

She is in her 30s and using her middle name in the town where she has relocated. All her friends, colleagues and employers use her middle name.

I say, shouldn't we call a person by the name they choose?

This gets no response except, "Other people can call her whatever, but she will always be (....y)." They sound so firm and united that I am bewildered. I'm not going to get into an argument with anyone, but this seems rude and domineering to me. Of course my daughter is disappointed in them.

GENTLE READER: While you are correct that it is impolite to address someone by a name they do not use, exceptions are made for family members who remember when, in first grade, your daughter demanded that she henceforth be known as Rapunzel. And for teachers of preschool, where all the girls ask to be called Elsa.

If your daughter cannot allow her grandparents this liberty, likely arising from an affectionate association with her childhood nickname, protesting against it should be left to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for an answering service. Callers don't realize that when they call in the middle of the night.

They think that they are going to speak to someone in the company's office. Often after I say the company's greeting, the caller will ask, "Am I speaking to a real/live person?" They think I am a recording or automated.

What is the correct response to that? Should I just say, "I am not a recording"?

GENTLE READER: Any day now, the recorded messages will be saying that.

Miss Manners understands your frustration, but is even more attuned to that of your callers. You should not take offense at the question, because they genuinely do not know. A greeting as the company's answering service, not the company itself, should help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's mother paid for her entire family (with spouses and children) to go to a Mexican resort for a week, and she graciously included me (even though she'd never met me).

My boyfriend bought the plane ticket, but she paid for the accommodations and food. I bought a card to thank her with while I was there, but in the flurry of getting back up to speed when I got home (I was moving), I forgot to send her the thank-you note until the window closed without it being awkwardly late.

Now four months have passed, and it's on my mind again. How can I repair the damage?

GENTLE READER: Apologize. And apologize again. Grovel. This will, Miss Manners notes, be more convincing if you take the time to write an effusive handwritten letter rather than relying on a store-bought card that is stained by whatever has been sitting on top of it for the past four months.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am caught between two people in a question of holiday meal etiquette. When my mother, the host, asks my longtime boyfriend whether/how he'd like a certain food, and he responds that he doesn't like something, she reacts with shock.

She drags out her exclamations of surprise, even when she has already been told about a certain food quirk. "I've never known anyone who doesn't like such-and-such!" she cries out, as if there must be something wrong with him. "You want such-and-such PLAIN? Oh-kayyy ..." she says with raised eyebrows.

At our last holiday meal, this made him very uncomfortable, and his conversational skills were somewhat lacking for most of the visit. His subsequent one-word answers, looks of annoyance and little sarcastic witticisms didn't help.

I feel conflicted. Sometimes being a good guest means taking a few bites of something you don't really like. But being an adult should mean that you can choose what goes into your body.

I'm sure my mother just isn't thinking when she reacts like this. It can't be fun to be a host who knows that one guest won't eat some of the offerings, but it can't be fun to be a guest who is asked what he likes, only to be treated like he's a weirdo when he answers.

I have tried to smooth things over as well as possible. When my mother asks me for holiday meal suggestions, I mention foods my boyfriend will like, and when these awkward back-and-forths take place, I try to distract from my mother's shock or laugh it off. It occurs to me that for the next meal, I could ask if I can bring a dish or two that I know my boyfriend will like.

I feel like all the pressure is on me to keep everyone happy. My mother and my boyfriend are wonderful people (especially when apart), but lately I've been fantasizing about taking a trip away from both of them for the rest of the holidays -- obviously not a realistic option.

GENTLE READER: These people are speaking different languages, and Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to translate.

Your beau understands your mother to be asking for a critique of various dishes, perhaps with the thought of learning his likes and dislikes so she can please him in the future.

This is not the case. Your mother is asking for compliments. That is always a bad idea, and it would be good if you could get her to stop -- but Miss Manners does not hold out much hope.

You might head her off if you could persuade your beau to issue a compliment -- a general one or, failing that, an enthusiastic response to something he does like. Perhaps you could teach him a little speech, such as, "I was never a sophisticated eater, Mrs. Neffen, but you are a wonderful cook and I'm learning."

Too hard? Tell him to put something -- anything -- into his mouth quickly, smile at her question, and say a long, drawn-out "Mmmmm!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)