Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks of himself as the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity. Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know about this?

No, not about the braggart at the office. Of course he's the one who told you. But does he know about your plan to use his confidential complaint to antagonize one of his new colleagues?

Oh, yes, you wanted something subtle from Miss Manners. If it is too subtle, there is no point. If it is not, you will have insulted someone with whom your husband has to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just moved to a very small town away from all of our family and friends. Due to a back injury, I am unable to cook Christmas dinner.

It is just my husband and me, so would it be inappropriate to post on Facebook a request for an invite to spend Christmas with somebody local?

GENTLE READER: Or you could stand outside on Christmas Day with a sign that says "I'm hungry."

Meals are customarily offered to the destitute on Christmas. Also, many people make a point of including friends who might otherwise be socially stranded then.

As people who could fend for themselves, as you do on other days, you are not eligible for the former; and as newcomers without acquaintances in town, you are unlikely to be sought out.

But even if some generous soul should take you in, there would be others whose first and possibly lasting impression will be of you as freeloaders.

Miss Manners highly recommends your turning this situation upside down by making it known that you are available on Christmas to help with any existing assistance to the needy. Despite your back problem, you could, for example, offer to do desk work, such as organizing or keeping track of the inventory, or to greet people and see that their needs are met.

That way, you will meet hospitable people and make yourselves known as newcomers who want to contribute to the town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for a grandmother to use her grandkids' pictures for her Christmas photo card every year?

I feel that she had her chance to do this when her kids were younger, and now it is our turn, as the kids' parents, to use our OWN kids' pics for our photo card.

I am the mother of two daughters, and three young cousins are also in the pic. My mother-in-law is never in the photo, which really bothers me.

My husband doesn't have the courage to stand up to her, and this is causing a huge problem between us. Every year I get so angry but just bite my tongue.

GENTLE READER: Bite harder. Those are her grandchildren, and her card does not prevent you from putting your children's pictures on yours.

Miss Manners is sorry that you hate your mother-in-law, but does not consider that an excuse for your insulting your husband.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate student working towards a Ph.D. in a scientific field. Graduate school is often very disheartening.

What should a girl say when, during a meeting with her adviser, she starts crying out of frustration over her project? I know that crying, especially at work, is a quick way to get labeled as a wuss, especially by male superiors. Unfortunately, I have always naturally expressed frustration this way, and sometimes, no matter what I do, I can't seem to prevent it.

GENTLE READER: Crying once or twice out of frustration can happen -- and a simple apology is all that is needed, accompanied by as little explanation as possible.

But if tears are your continual response to discontent in the professional world, your co-workers might have just cause in labeling you fragile, regardless of gender-based stereotypes. If you simply cannot contain your tears, Miss Manners suggests that you develop an allergy upon which to blame them. Or look into an alternate field.

The former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives had the same problem, but, as many have remarked, the job gave him cause.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have developed a reputation among our group of friends for being good hosts. Generally, we enjoy having friends for overnight visits if they need a place to stay.

But we had a friend ask to stay while she was back in the country (she had been in school overseas). We picked her up at the airport, and after about an hour at our apartment, she announced that she was going to go out drinking with her friends! We were not invited. She said she would be gone for a couple of hours, but instead came back in the morning, once we had already woken up and worried about where she was.

We gave her a bit of a hard time, but then left for the day once she went to sleep on the sofa. The following night, she stayed out all night again. We expressed that we felt hurt that she hadn't made spending time with us (her hosts) a priority.

She seemed weakly apologetic, and promised that she would make it up to us by spending more time with us when she comes back through (at our house, likely drinking our wine and eating our food).

She is traveling more, but will be coming back through in a couple of weeks. The plan was for her to stay with us again for another few days. Given her behavior and the fact that we feel used and disappointed, is there any way that we can rescind the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but these are special circumstances.

To be clear, Miss Manners almost never advocates rescinding invitations, but she will help you if you promise that you and other readers won't take it as license to do so without similar provocation.

"You were so busy when you were here that I'm afraid we likewise made other plans during your visit," you may say. "Perhaps you could stay at one of your other friends' homes -- or we can recommend some good hotels."

If she understands the subtext, protests and apologizes sufficiently, you may rescind the rescind if you choose. But if you are fooled again, you will know never to extend another invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a crowded passenger ferry frequented by tourists, there was no room to sit on the benches, so I squeezed into a place at the rail. This afforded me a breeze, a nice view and something to hold onto, which was lacking near the benches.

A woman sitting on the bench behind me said angrily, "Would you please move? You're standing right in front of me and completely blocking my view."

I was so flustered by her icily commanding tone that I immediately moved away without a word. The idea that it was impolite to block someone's view had never occurred to me, and I'd been on the ferry many times.

Is it discourteous? How should I have responded?

GENTLE READER: Public spaces are, by definition, shared, a fact that surprises a remarkable number of commuters, theatergoers and restaurant patrons.

Your angry fellow traveler was entitled to her own place, but not to yours, no matter how magnificent the view. Miss Manners would have recommended that you counter rudeness with politeness by offering to trade places -- briefly letting go of the rail to demonstrate how necessary it is to maintaining one's balance while underway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law has a habit of sending me a text or email with simply "Hey" as the message. If he calls and leaves a voice message, it is always, "Hey. Call me back."

He never says why he is calling. It is almost invariably to complain about a poisonous relationship or a horrible decision, and to ask for advice -- which he promptly refuses to take. (No, you should not bail out your girlfriend after she robbed you.)

If I don't reply, he continues to simply text "Hey."

He's a sweet soul, but he's hopeless and I don't have time for his drama. I have two kids and I'm a full-time student. May I just ignore him?

GENTLE READER: Whether you are being annoyed by your brother-in-law's messages, or just by your cellular telephone beeping, shaking or blinking until you pick up, Miss Manners advises you to ration your responses. Your advice is just as likely to be ignored, but you will not have to give as much of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The majority of my friends are not sending Christmas cards except on social media or, if lucky, by email. The set with young children all send photo cards without even a signature, let alone a message.

I enjoy creating a simple card and I keep my message short, yet I have a feeling these are received with angst or irritation. If my cards do not bring a warm holiday feel, should I stop the process that now seems selfish since I get the joy of the creation?

GENTLE READER: How do you know that your personalized cards don't create a warm holiday feel in the recipients? And if they also inspire the thought that unsigned cards are a bit pointless, Miss Manners would consider that another contribution.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)