Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you will help me navigate a nasty family dispute. At family gatherings last summer, the hostess, my dear mother, relegated the party to the outside of the house, and decorated the floor from the backdoor to the bathroom with a path of towels, to lessen our impact on her home.

The temperatures soared and so did tempers.

Does a hostess have a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests regardless of the messiness or rambunctiousness of her children and grandchildren? Does a guest ever have an occasion to request greater hospitality -- and free access to the more comfortable interior of the home?

I left the last family dinner early (and graciously). My sister stayed another two hours and departed only after browbeating my mother for not allowing us inside. Both are assuming that I will take their side in this argument.

GENTLE READER: A hostess indeed has a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests, although your qualification -- that she do so irrespective of the behavior of the guests -- gives Miss Manners pause. That and the towels.

Miss Manners wonders if it would be worth reviewing the behavior of the rambunctious progeny before admonishing your mother. A bit of moderation all around might prevent your family Christmas gathering from being held in the snow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to get callers to identify themselves?

I receive many calls from professional organizations that ask for me by first name and fail to identify the caller. I am constantly having to ask, "Who's calling, please?" Many times this question is ignored, and they again ask is this "name"?

I really want to just hang up at this point or answer with a snarky remark; however, some of these calls are important to me. Do you have a suggestion as to how to inform these businesses that they are being very unprofessional? Also, what is the best way to obtain the caller's information?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to be shy about your legitimate request to know who is calling, but there is also no cause to be snarky. For those who refuse to identify themselves, Miss Manners recommends a firm, "I'm so sorry, but it was you who called me. To whom am I speaking?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend did not receive an invitation to a Christmas party she has been going to every year for 19 years. She assumed it was an oversight and called the hostess. Unfortunately, the hostess told her she was cut from the list this year.

Was my friend wrong to call? They were next-door neighbors for 18 years, and the hostess still lives in the same town. My friend is mortified and embarrassed. I told my friend that the hostess should have lied and said it was an oversight!

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but has your friend not reciprocated all that hospitality?

Miss Manners presumes that the hostess was fed up with someone who treats her parties as an entitlement. There was no need to lie, but she could have replied to that presumptuous call with, "I'm sorry, we're giving a smaller party this year, for people we always see."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks of himself as the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity. Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know about this?

No, not about the braggart at the office. Of course he's the one who told you. But does he know about your plan to use his confidential complaint to antagonize one of his new colleagues?

Oh, yes, you wanted something subtle from Miss Manners. If it is too subtle, there is no point. If it is not, you will have insulted someone with whom your husband has to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just moved to a very small town away from all of our family and friends. Due to a back injury, I am unable to cook Christmas dinner.

It is just my husband and me, so would it be inappropriate to post on Facebook a request for an invite to spend Christmas with somebody local?

GENTLE READER: Or you could stand outside on Christmas Day with a sign that says "I'm hungry."

Meals are customarily offered to the destitute on Christmas. Also, many people make a point of including friends who might otherwise be socially stranded then.

As people who could fend for themselves, as you do on other days, you are not eligible for the former; and as newcomers without acquaintances in town, you are unlikely to be sought out.

But even if some generous soul should take you in, there would be others whose first and possibly lasting impression will be of you as freeloaders.

Miss Manners highly recommends your turning this situation upside down by making it known that you are available on Christmas to help with any existing assistance to the needy. Despite your back problem, you could, for example, offer to do desk work, such as organizing or keeping track of the inventory, or to greet people and see that their needs are met.

That way, you will meet hospitable people and make yourselves known as newcomers who want to contribute to the town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for a grandmother to use her grandkids' pictures for her Christmas photo card every year?

I feel that she had her chance to do this when her kids were younger, and now it is our turn, as the kids' parents, to use our OWN kids' pics for our photo card.

I am the mother of two daughters, and three young cousins are also in the pic. My mother-in-law is never in the photo, which really bothers me.

My husband doesn't have the courage to stand up to her, and this is causing a huge problem between us. Every year I get so angry but just bite my tongue.

GENTLE READER: Bite harder. Those are her grandchildren, and her card does not prevent you from putting your children's pictures on yours.

Miss Manners is sorry that you hate your mother-in-law, but does not consider that an excuse for your insulting your husband.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate student working towards a Ph.D. in a scientific field. Graduate school is often very disheartening.

What should a girl say when, during a meeting with her adviser, she starts crying out of frustration over her project? I know that crying, especially at work, is a quick way to get labeled as a wuss, especially by male superiors. Unfortunately, I have always naturally expressed frustration this way, and sometimes, no matter what I do, I can't seem to prevent it.

GENTLE READER: Crying once or twice out of frustration can happen -- and a simple apology is all that is needed, accompanied by as little explanation as possible.

But if tears are your continual response to discontent in the professional world, your co-workers might have just cause in labeling you fragile, regardless of gender-based stereotypes. If you simply cannot contain your tears, Miss Manners suggests that you develop an allergy upon which to blame them. Or look into an alternate field.

The former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives had the same problem, but, as many have remarked, the job gave him cause.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have developed a reputation among our group of friends for being good hosts. Generally, we enjoy having friends for overnight visits if they need a place to stay.

But we had a friend ask to stay while she was back in the country (she had been in school overseas). We picked her up at the airport, and after about an hour at our apartment, she announced that she was going to go out drinking with her friends! We were not invited. She said she would be gone for a couple of hours, but instead came back in the morning, once we had already woken up and worried about where she was.

We gave her a bit of a hard time, but then left for the day once she went to sleep on the sofa. The following night, she stayed out all night again. We expressed that we felt hurt that she hadn't made spending time with us (her hosts) a priority.

She seemed weakly apologetic, and promised that she would make it up to us by spending more time with us when she comes back through (at our house, likely drinking our wine and eating our food).

She is traveling more, but will be coming back through in a couple of weeks. The plan was for her to stay with us again for another few days. Given her behavior and the fact that we feel used and disappointed, is there any way that we can rescind the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but these are special circumstances.

To be clear, Miss Manners almost never advocates rescinding invitations, but she will help you if you promise that you and other readers won't take it as license to do so without similar provocation.

"You were so busy when you were here that I'm afraid we likewise made other plans during your visit," you may say. "Perhaps you could stay at one of your other friends' homes -- or we can recommend some good hotels."

If she understands the subtext, protests and apologizes sufficiently, you may rescind the rescind if you choose. But if you are fooled again, you will know never to extend another invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)