Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker invited me to her home for a potluck dinner and a pay-per-view fight. I've never been interested in ultimate fighting, but I happily engaged with the hosts and other guests before and after the fight.

During the fight itself, I sat quietly on a lounge chair and read a book on my e-reader. I'm not sure whether anyone noticed, or if anyone else was engaged in anything beyond eating and spectating.

My husband says it was rude to read during the fight. I say that I was sitting in the back using a non-lighted screen (so screen brightness wouldn't have distracted others) and so therefore my behavior was fine. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your husband was correct. Whether or not you were caught, Miss Manners assures you that pulling out your own entertainment communicates to your hosts that you find theirs boring.

If you were invited to dinner and found the conversation not to your liking, would you do the same? You were invited to watch the fight and, as you accepted, it would have been polite at least to make the pretense of being interested in it. Or you could have found other ways to occupy yourself, perhaps freeing the hosts to watch by asking to help replenish drinks and snacks. The effect should be of looking after other people's entertainment, not exclusively your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize there are numerous ways to communicate besides personal phone calls, email, or what certain persons like to call "snail mail."

What are your thoughts on sending a text message as a "thank you" for a holiday gift even though the sender does not necessarily know whether the recipient actually uses text messaging?

I am not a young person, and I do not use text messages to communicate. In fact, I am recently retired (a fact the sender does know). This year, in response to a gift sent to a family, I heard nothing for quite awhile until one day my cellphone made a "funny" noise. After poking around with it, I discovered that there was, in fact, a text message that read something like ... "Thank you for the package." It was not signed and did not describe what was in the package.

Since I had sent several such "packages," it took me a while to realize who sent the text (process of elimination: I heard from all others by phone or snail mail).

Can you enlighten me on the etiquette of this type of thank-you "note"?

GENTLE READER: You hardly require Miss Manners to tell you how thoughtless and perfunctory this form of thanks was.

Even among regular texters, that is much too informal a means of conveying thanks. And to refer to a present merely as a "package" would be insulting even if handwritten on linen paper.

Perhaps she can enlighten you about the subtext. Her interpretation of that is that these people are far too busy to bother with receiving presents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am spending the holidays with my boyfriend's family for the first time. I asked my boyfriend what his family dinners are like, and he mentioned that after dinner the women clean and the men talk and watch sports on TV.

These outdated gender roles go against both of our beliefs. I don't mind helping clean, but it bothers me that the men will just be sitting around.

My boyfriend says it bothers his sisters too, but that no one has done anything about it. He offered to say something, but I know he really doesn't want to and is just doing it to make me happy.

What should I do? I don't want his family to think I'm rude by not cleaning, but I also don't want to encourage something that I don't believe in.

GENTLE READER: So, as a first-time visitor and non-relative at a family event, you could snap off the television set and order the men to the kitchen. It wouldn't do anything to spread your beliefs, but at least you would never again have to worry about the dynamics of this particular family.

Guests have no business acting as reformers. Still, Miss Manners supposes that you expect her to devise a more subtle way to plant the idea of change in this family, because of the possibility that you might someday join it. All right, all right.

One would be to ask the sisters, "Don't any of you want to watch the game?" and, if anyone says yes, to say, "You go ahead; I'll cover for you here. Or maybe you could send one of them in, in case anyone wants to join us."

Another would be to persuade your beau to insist upon helping clean up, and insisting equally forcefully that his mother go out and relax.

Either way would begin to suggest the idea of after-dinner division by interests, rather than by gender.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've asked my elderly neighbor (three times) not to call me Monday to Friday, 8 to 5, owing to the fact that I have a home business and can't be disturbed during that time.

I have an old phone so I don't have caller ID. I don't think I should have to get a new phone just to screen calls.

Despite my request, she continues to call me during the weekdays. Having her not respect my wishes is upsetting to me. What can I do to get her to stop calling me during the weekdays?

GENTLE READER: The confusion may be that you are saying one thing and doing another. Every time your neighbor calls, you answer, demonstrating conclusively that you are, in fact, available.

Miss Manners feels it is time for a dramatization. Next time she calls, excuse yourself and put down the phone without hanging up. When you return, apologize for being so busy, explaining that it is the middle of your working day. Several such interruptions should make the point without your having to resort to play-acting irate but imaginary customers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every New Year's Eve, my family and I receive friends and acquaintances at a formal (dinner jacket) party.

A few ladies come dressed in trousers. When once I was asked my preference as to how a lady should be dressed for such occasion, and I responded "dressed with a skirt," the person called my decision one worthy of a dinosaur.

May I ask, please, is there a formula to indicate how a lady should be attired?

GENTLE READER: What you are asking for is trouble.

Mind you, Miss Manners thoroughly agrees that it is a shame that many ladies no longer really dress up, even for gala occasions.

She has noticed an odd trend in the last decade or so. It used to be that gentlemen groused about wearing dinner jackets and tried to get away with less, or with some funny variation, while ladies wore serious evening dresses. Now she still sees unmatched couples, but more often the gentlemen in conventional evening dress, while the ladies are austerely attired in plain black silk trousers with perhaps a bright jacket.

This is perhaps a skewered view, because Miss Manners is speaking of private formal dinners and parties, not charity balls honoring some designer, and not award ceremonies. But she sees that even among those few who still have some formality in their lives -- and who would not therefore consider it a one-time waste to invest in evening clothes.

For that matter, orchestras commonly comprise properly dressed males while the females, for whom one black dress (or, for cellists, perhaps the festive trousers known as palazzo pajamas) would be a working uniform, wear informal black outfits.

Miss Manners recognizes that life has been getting increasingly informal. Nevertheless, she notices that the resulting hunger for more style -- or just an occasional change -- breaks out at proms and weddings, often with peculiar results.

So she is in sympathy with your wish. All the same, she knows that indignation and derision are the inevitable reactions to any attempt to discuss, let alone mandate, dress.

Changing fashion, comfort and self-expression will all be cited, and Miss Manners does not deny that these are factors worthy of consideration. But it is not that hard to satisfy all three within the different general standards that apply to different occasions. That Miss Manners happens to prefer skirts to trousers does not prevent her from looking suitably informal (not to mention fetching) at picnics.

Nevertheless, issuing any directive other than the conventional "Black tie" (or "White tie") will just annoy people, who will ignore it anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen holiday cards where a friend has put a slash through her printed name on the sign-off.

Is this proper etiquette for indicating who sent the card? If not, what does it mean?

GENTLE READER: She did sign the card, didn't she?

Replacing the printed signature with a handwritten one means that one wants to make the card slightly more personal. It is done, for example, on visiting cards, especially when a handwritten note or invitation is on the card.

What the slash would mean without a signature, Miss Manners cannot imagine. That the sender has purloined someone else's cards?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)