DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain how to gently and politely prompt clerks, baristas and others who handle cash to help them focus on the task at hand.

With the spread of computerized cash registers, the mostly young people who handle transactions seem to pay less attention to the actual money in their hands. They wander off, leaving my money on the counter; they chat with their co-workers and punch in the wrong amounts; when the computer tells them that the correct change from a $20 bill to pay for coffee is something and 16 cents, they blandly hand me only the coins.

Is there anything kind and positive I can say that would encourage them to focus on the transaction for the 15 seconds or so that it takes to make my change, or is this a lost cause?

GENTLE READER: Your purpose is to get the barista's attention quickly without being angry or rude. You should therefore not be looking for kind and positive, but rather startling.

"Oh my goodness! Nineteen dollars and eighty-six cents for a cup of coffee!" delivered in a voice completely scrubbed of sarcasm -- but loud enough to turn heads -- will accomplish the task. Most service employees at least understand that customers who draw attention need to be dealt with quickly.

You can then be gracious and laugh at your own mistake. Miss Manners of course assumes that $19 for a cup of coffee retains some shock value.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend sent a personal email message, asking me to donate to her daughter's mission trip overseas. A few weeks later at church, we were talking after services, and her daughter came up to us. My friend introduced us by saying, "Sweetheart, this is the lady who donated for your mission trip."

The daughter didn't even glance in my direction before saying in an irritated tone, "I don't have time for this; give me the keys."

I was shocked. I could tell my friend was embarrassed, so I said I needed to go anyway and left.

Time has gone by, and I have received no apology in any way or even a thank-you. I would like to send my friend and her daughter an email, but don't quite know how to word it. My husband suggested to kill them with kindness, but I want to let them know just how put off I was by that behavior. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: While there is no doubt that you are owed both a thank-you and an apology, your friend is aware of this and her daughter does not care. Aside from the fact that you are not the etiquette police, a note will therefore be ineffective.

Similarly, Miss Manners suggests that an abundance of kindness is unlikely to be fatal, either to your friend or to her daughter's behavior. Next time you see your friend, say that you are so sorry that the mission trip was not everything your daughter had hoped for. When your friend protests that the trip was a resounding success, explain that you must have misunderstood the daughter's reaction.

If the mother truly was embarrassed, this will provide an opportunity for her to apologize and offer thanks on her daughter's behalf. Those most to be pitied here are the people to whom your daughter presumed to offer moral instruction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine, who is married and has a 10-year-old son, asked for my advice. She said that her husband was texting a "friend" at midnight, and he denied that it was an affair.

However, she has other examples of his questionable behavior, leading her to believe that he is, in fact, having an affair. For example, he says that he's working but comes home very late and has been drinking.

I don't think she wants a divorce, but I'm at a loss to give her advice.

GENTLE READER: Very sensible of you. Miss Manners advises you to pay attention to that feeling, because whatever the outcome for the couple, you would be the loser.

If they reconcile, whether or not there was an affair -- something you are not in a position to know -- they will be embarrassed you know about their troubles. If you advise her to separate from him, she will associate you with the unpleasantness involved.

This is not to say that Miss Manners thinks you should turn away from your needy friend -- only that you should refrain from offering her advice. It is a greater contribution to listen to your friend's worries and to draw out from her what might be the result of various actions that she (not you) is thinking of taking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have the etiquette standards changed regarding correct use of the butter knife?

I was taught to use the butter knife to transfer an appropriate amount of butter from the butter dish to my plate. Frequently, however, I see diners (and often my guests) buttering bread using the butter knife, instead of their dinner knife.

Also, is it now appropriate to convert a dinner roll into a mini-sandwich?

GENTLE READER: Even if the Etiquette Council had enough time on its hands to tinker with such matters, changing butter rules would probably not be high on its agenda.

If one person appropriates the master butter knife (and don't tell Miss Manners that they claim to put it right back, because she saw them abandoning it on their plates), others will have trouble getting any butter. They will use their dinner knives, which have already cut something else, and leave traces of it on the communal butter. And you can't stop them.

And about that mini-sandwich: This would be an emergency measure. Nothing short of a total lack of utensils would justify stuffing food into a dinner roll to make a sandwich.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my children is getting married soon. Is it appropriate to invite only parents and grandparents to the ceremony for a reception of 200-plus people?

I have never heard of this and foresee many close family members hurt by this decision. How do you do this to a close-knit family?

GENTLE READER: Time was when it was considered acceptable to invite guests to the ceremony but not the reception, or to the reception but not the ceremony. Miss Manners never condoned the former, and she recommends a judicious use of the latter.

People no longer pop into a wedding in their neighborhoods, as when the girl next door married the boy next door. They often need complicated travel arrangements in order to attend. Therefore, excluding them from part of the occasion, unless there is a compelling reason to have a private ceremony, is not likely to be taken well.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which is more proper in addressing a mixed couple in a bar or restaurant:

"What can I get you guys to drink?"

"What can I get you folks to drink?"

"What can I get you and your lady friend to drink?"

"What can I get you and your man friend to drink?"

"Does either of you have a drink preference?"

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with that last suggestion is the assumption that people go into a bar not caring what they drink.

How about just "What would you like to drink?" with the plural assumed?

Miss Manners fails to understand the dilemma here -- or even the meaning of "mixed couple" -- but feels certain that it cannot be good. The relationship of customers to one another is none of the server's business or concern. It is not likely to affect their drink order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is beautiful. I'm not saying this to brag; it's simply a fact.

She is just shy of her fifth birthday and loves to dress up. When we go out, it's not unusual for strangers to comment on her looks.

I'm not sure how to respond. I feel awkward saying "thank you," because aside from the genetic component, I feel her looks are entirely a matter of chance, not a result of any action I took.

I also hesitate to emphasize her looks at all. While I certainly don't want her to think she's ugly, I also don't want her growing up thinking being pretty is the highest compliment she can receive.

Is there a polite way to both accept the compliment but also put emphasis on her other more important attributes?

With children this age, I know she's always listening. I want to model good behavior for her, but also to make sure she knows what's really important.

GENTLE READER: A simple "thank you" is all that is required. Miss Manners begs you not to add, "But you should see her brain!"

Redirecting well-meaning compliments from strangers in any meaningful and polite way is a fruitless endeavor. Put the effort to better use by teaching your daughter at home about the importance of education and kindness over appearance. Perhaps it is more than one can reasonably hope, but a lifetime of thoughtful upbringing by her parent should speak more than wayward compliments from strangers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there etiquette guidelines surrounding sitting or standing when talking with someone who uses a wheelchair?

At a reception, I was introduced to a petite woman who uses a chair, and we had an interesting conversation. But I stand 6 feet 2 and felt uncomfortable towering over her. There was no place nearby for me to sit, and it seemed inappropriate to crouch (so we would be eye-to-eye), because that is what I would do with a child.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners appreciates your sensitivity, she feels certain that crouching is better than towering over the woman and having both of you shouting and straining your necks.

If you are worried that the lady might take offense, ask her permission first. She might even be able to come up with a solution that is satisfactory for both of you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)