Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I totally out of line asking the server if I can take home all the oyster shells? I use them for my artwork.

GENTLE READER: As long as the oysters don't mind, Miss Manners fails to see why the server would.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were about to leave for a 7 p.m. dinner party, when we suddenly realized the invitation gave a 6 o'clock start time. I texted our hosts to say that we had gotten the time wrong, that we were on our way, and that they should starting eating without us.

My husband refused to show up late, left the car and decided not to go. I went ahead, joined the party and had a good time. The hosts were disappointed my husband wouldn't join.

Should we both have just stayed back and given a convenient excuse, or should both of us have continued with the advance warning that I gave them?

GENTLE READER? Did your husband hitchhike home?

The transgression of leaving an empty place at the dinner table is a far more annoying one for the host than the guest being late with a reasonable excuse. Etiquette allows for human error, as long as regret is politely expressed and the behavior is corrected.

You are fortunate that the hosts did not mind, or were gracious enough to pretend that they did not. Miss Manners hopes that you will encourage your husband to imagine himself in their place.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law has been planning a surprise birthday party for my sister for two months. Just recently, her boss invited them both to his annual dinner. Her boss is a VP and she is a director, so she feels obligated and happy to attend.

When her husband called me in a quandary, I told him to contact her boss and politely decline on her behalf and explain there is a family function previously planned, and that he would appreciate his discretion.

He disagreed and wants to send an email to my sister's employee to forward to the VP's assistant, and then tell my sister about the surprise party.

I understand that he does not want to harm her politically at her company, and I may be completely crass, but I don't feel it's a tenable solution at all.

GENTLE READER: Tell your brother not to plan surprise parties. Miss Manners hates to be a moist blanket, but she can hardly think of any good that ever came from one (the party, not the blanket).

You are correct that in most cases, a previous social engagement takes precedent over a new one. But your sister did not know she already had plans. And overriding her ruling without consent could indeed hurt her professionally.

Your brother-in-law had the right instinct. Going through the assistants at least gives this the chance of being handled delicately and discreetly. Perhaps the assistants could even hatch a plan to make both events happen.

In any case, this way the boss can be in on the decision and not merely subjected to it -- as your sister certainly would be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain how to gently and politely prompt clerks, baristas and others who handle cash to help them focus on the task at hand.

With the spread of computerized cash registers, the mostly young people who handle transactions seem to pay less attention to the actual money in their hands. They wander off, leaving my money on the counter; they chat with their co-workers and punch in the wrong amounts; when the computer tells them that the correct change from a $20 bill to pay for coffee is something and 16 cents, they blandly hand me only the coins.

Is there anything kind and positive I can say that would encourage them to focus on the transaction for the 15 seconds or so that it takes to make my change, or is this a lost cause?

GENTLE READER: Your purpose is to get the barista's attention quickly without being angry or rude. You should therefore not be looking for kind and positive, but rather startling.

"Oh my goodness! Nineteen dollars and eighty-six cents for a cup of coffee!" delivered in a voice completely scrubbed of sarcasm -- but loud enough to turn heads -- will accomplish the task. Most service employees at least understand that customers who draw attention need to be dealt with quickly.

You can then be gracious and laugh at your own mistake. Miss Manners of course assumes that $19 for a cup of coffee retains some shock value.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend sent a personal email message, asking me to donate to her daughter's mission trip overseas. A few weeks later at church, we were talking after services, and her daughter came up to us. My friend introduced us by saying, "Sweetheart, this is the lady who donated for your mission trip."

The daughter didn't even glance in my direction before saying in an irritated tone, "I don't have time for this; give me the keys."

I was shocked. I could tell my friend was embarrassed, so I said I needed to go anyway and left.

Time has gone by, and I have received no apology in any way or even a thank-you. I would like to send my friend and her daughter an email, but don't quite know how to word it. My husband suggested to kill them with kindness, but I want to let them know just how put off I was by that behavior. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: While there is no doubt that you are owed both a thank-you and an apology, your friend is aware of this and her daughter does not care. Aside from the fact that you are not the etiquette police, a note will therefore be ineffective.

Similarly, Miss Manners suggests that an abundance of kindness is unlikely to be fatal, either to your friend or to her daughter's behavior. Next time you see your friend, say that you are so sorry that the mission trip was not everything your daughter had hoped for. When your friend protests that the trip was a resounding success, explain that you must have misunderstood the daughter's reaction.

If the mother truly was embarrassed, this will provide an opportunity for her to apologize and offer thanks on her daughter's behalf. Those most to be pitied here are the people to whom your daughter presumed to offer moral instruction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine, who is married and has a 10-year-old son, asked for my advice. She said that her husband was texting a "friend" at midnight, and he denied that it was an affair.

However, she has other examples of his questionable behavior, leading her to believe that he is, in fact, having an affair. For example, he says that he's working but comes home very late and has been drinking.

I don't think she wants a divorce, but I'm at a loss to give her advice.

GENTLE READER: Very sensible of you. Miss Manners advises you to pay attention to that feeling, because whatever the outcome for the couple, you would be the loser.

If they reconcile, whether or not there was an affair -- something you are not in a position to know -- they will be embarrassed you know about their troubles. If you advise her to separate from him, she will associate you with the unpleasantness involved.

This is not to say that Miss Manners thinks you should turn away from your needy friend -- only that you should refrain from offering her advice. It is a greater contribution to listen to your friend's worries and to draw out from her what might be the result of various actions that she (not you) is thinking of taking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have the etiquette standards changed regarding correct use of the butter knife?

I was taught to use the butter knife to transfer an appropriate amount of butter from the butter dish to my plate. Frequently, however, I see diners (and often my guests) buttering bread using the butter knife, instead of their dinner knife.

Also, is it now appropriate to convert a dinner roll into a mini-sandwich?

GENTLE READER: Even if the Etiquette Council had enough time on its hands to tinker with such matters, changing butter rules would probably not be high on its agenda.

If one person appropriates the master butter knife (and don't tell Miss Manners that they claim to put it right back, because she saw them abandoning it on their plates), others will have trouble getting any butter. They will use their dinner knives, which have already cut something else, and leave traces of it on the communal butter. And you can't stop them.

And about that mini-sandwich: This would be an emergency measure. Nothing short of a total lack of utensils would justify stuffing food into a dinner roll to make a sandwich.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my children is getting married soon. Is it appropriate to invite only parents and grandparents to the ceremony for a reception of 200-plus people?

I have never heard of this and foresee many close family members hurt by this decision. How do you do this to a close-knit family?

GENTLE READER: Time was when it was considered acceptable to invite guests to the ceremony but not the reception, or to the reception but not the ceremony. Miss Manners never condoned the former, and she recommends a judicious use of the latter.

People no longer pop into a wedding in their neighborhoods, as when the girl next door married the boy next door. They often need complicated travel arrangements in order to attend. Therefore, excluding them from part of the occasion, unless there is a compelling reason to have a private ceremony, is not likely to be taken well.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)