Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was out to lunch today with my girlfriend at a fairly nice place, when I happened to get sick at lunch and vomited, not in the restroom, but in the dining area. The wait staff was incredibly pleasant, remade our meal and cleaned up the puke.

I realize that most people leave 20 to 22 percent when they have had superlative service. We tipped about 30 percent. Is that sufficient, or should we have tipped equivalent to our bill?

GENTLE READER: Well, what percentage of the meal was actually returned?

Miss Manners assures you that a 30 percent tip is generous. While not a pleasant task to perform, cleaning up is unfortunately part of the wait staff's job. And surely anyone could imagine being in your position and sympathize. If not, no amount of money will likely erase the memory.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in the same city as most of my husband's family. The problem is that they communicate only through social media. We never receive a call informing us of things like the birth of a child, an engagement or someone being in the ICU, because all the events of their lives are played out on social media.

My husband and I have purposely chosen not to be on social media and all our family members know this. He is a teacher who feels the blurred lines that can occur when students become "friends" with teachers on social media is not professionally appropriate. I have a very demanding, stressful job that often requires me to do work at home in the evenings and on weekends. I simply don't have time to post things or read all the posts from our large family.

We have asked these family members to give us a call, text or quick email when events happen, but it falls on deaf ears.

When the matriarch of his family asks me about "Josh's surgery," for example, and I have to say I was unaware Josh had been hospitalized, the matriarch blames me for not trying harder to maintain communication with these family members.

However, these are the same family members who never fail to invite us (by mailed invitations) to every possible event requiring a gift: birthday parties, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, etc.

Is there a way to get these social media fanatics to remember there are people who love them who are not their followers?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, probably not. It is seemingly just too convenient to overshare on social media, without the added inconvenience of personally connecting with any individuals.

If your family is not catching on by now, Miss Manners fears that it is unlikely that they ever will -- in their minds, just to suit you. Continue as you have done --quietly and without judgment -- urging them to reach out to you personally when they want to relay important information. Modeling this behavior by checking in with a quick personal email or call every once in a while will, perhaps, reinforce this. Mass impersonal texts to that end, however, will not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There must be a new trend in save-the-date cards for upcoming weddings. In the past few months I have received three such requests, but on all three cards, the couples failed to include their last names. There was a beautiful photo of the happy couple, and the words "Save the Date" for Mike and Haley, or Tiffany and Bob, and so on.

In all three cases, we have no idea who they are!

Granted, we have a large social network, as well as the adult friends of our children who may be getting married, but I feel it is so rude to send a save-the-date card for a large event and expect that everyone knows who they are. It causes me the extra work to have to search out who this happy couple is.

Is it me, or is it wrong of them to be so self-centered that they feel they are the only people on Earth planning a wedding and asking for well wishes, so that they don't need to include their full names? And finally, how do I politely ask them to reveal their identities?

GENTLE READER: It is not unusual for those about to be married to think they are alone on the planet, and in very limited doses, for short periods of time, it can even be endearing.

But expecting a stranger to hold a date is both impolite and impractical. If the trouble you are put to involves checking the last name on the return address against the names of your friends' children, Miss Manners wonders if it is not more trouble to point out the inconvenience.

But if not, leave open the possibility that the rudeness was caused by someone other than Tiffany or Bob. If there is a return address, you may respond: "My apologies, but the way the invitation arrived, we could not tell who had sent it. Could you please let me know whom I am addressing?"

If more work is required, you may find that you are not available when the invitation finally arrives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What container is the proper vessel with which to serve dry cereal at breakfast?

I know one should never serve food in its original container from the store, but I am at a loss when trying to deal with cereal, especially since it comes in so many sizes and shapes. Some types could easily be poured from a pitcher, while others could possibly be served on a platter with long fish tongs.

I am about to be hosting some breakfast gatherings for business associates and need guidance. My current plan is to simply not offer cereal, although this seems to be a regrettable situation, as I make a delicious homemade granola.

GENTLE READER: Did Miss Manners forget to decree that hosts should serve food in a way that gives diners a reasonable chance to transfer the food from the serving dish to their plate without half of it ending up on the table, the floor or themselves?

However, since most hosts will be responsible for any resulting cleanup, Miss Manners recommends a moderate nod to practicality after disposing of the plastic wrappers: a bowl and spoon for small items, a platter and serving utensil for more substantial items.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my girlfriends recently got engaged. I was very happy and excited for her, as she had waited for this proposal for what seemed a long time. When she texted me with a photo of the proposal taking place, I quickly texted back my congratulations. The next day, I then followed up with a phone call to again congratulate the happy couple and find out the details of the proposal.

Imagine my dismay when, a few days later, my friend discussed with me how disappointed she was in her friends' response to her engagement! She proceeded to tell me that it really bothered her that none of her good friends took her out for champagne to celebrate or for a manicure.

I sat there in silence as she talked about what she has done for her friends who have gotten engaged, but no one did it for her.

Am I a bad friend for not doing these things? I assumed there would be engagement parties, bridal showers and everything else that comes along with this engagement, so I never thought of doing something extra so quickly for her.

Is this something I should bring up with her as to why it bothered me that she came off as so self-centered?

GENTLE READER: First, a warning:

Do not agree to be a bridesmaid to this lady. If in the first flush of this happy time, her thoughts are not focused on her new life with her fiance, but on how others should pay her obeisance, it is only going to get worse.

Miss Manners' next cautionary advice is not to get into a discussion of your friend's fault or your own grievance. Rather, you should be leading her into talk about the virtues of the bridegroom and listening to tedious wedding details (should the tablecloths be pink or rose?). That is the duty of a good friend under such circumstances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today the granddaughter of someone I know asked me point blank if I think her grandmother is beautiful. Is this a proper or improper question?

GENTLE READER: It is a dangerous one, as the world seems to be full of literal-minded people who would rather state their blunt opinions than consider and react to the subtext that would lead someone to ask such a question.

In any case, the proper answer to the granddaughter is yes. Miss Manners assures you that all grandmothers, like all babies, are beautiful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend of many years has become predictably rude, demanding and demeaning to wait staff when we lunch together, a ritual of many years. I find that I cannot abide her ill-mannered treatment of these people, plus it ruins my meal.

Recently, while in a restaurant together, I gently asked her to treat the wait staff nicely. She exploded in anger against me and walked out. Can this friendship be saved?

GENTLE READER: No. Not at lunchtime, at any rate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)