Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister helped me clean my house in preparation for getting ready to sell it. I gave her a check for $100, just a small way to show my appreciation. She certainly deserved five times that much. I told her that I really wanted her to accept the money, that she should buy something for herself.

She put the check through the paper shredder. I feel hurt and insulted that she didn't accept my gesture of appreciation. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

GENTLE READER: Because we live in crass times, many people, like you, find it unimaginable that anyone would feel hurt and insulted by being given money.

Yes, it is your sister who had cause to feel hurt.

Miss Manners understands that it adds to the confusion that it is now common practice to give out money instead of buying presents for relatives and friends. Had you given your sister a present, she would probably have been delighted. That sort of laundering makes a difference by showing, symbolically, that you understand her enough to select something that might please her.

But instead, you paid her. This puts her in the position of any stranger you might have hired to do the job. She is hurt because she did this out of love; families help one another out without expectation of recompense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it proper to wear ankle-length skirts?

This is my preferred skirt length, and I wear them a lot. I have tweed narrow ones for work, floral print ones for dressy occasions, and some that I wear to lounge around the house. I even found a suit with a tailored, narrow ankle-length skirt that I wear for formal business occasions.

I think I read that long skirt lengths were only for evening. I love wearing skirts, but have never been too keen on showing much leg. Am I being improper?

GENTLE READER: Only if you are actually allowing your ankles to show.

Oh, sorry. Miss Manners misses those days, when it was so easy to shock people. Now it is probably impossible to do so.

However, she does not miss the later -- although still distant -- days when fashion regularly decreed changing skirt lengths, and condemned as dowdy anyone who did not scramble to keep up, or down, as the case may have been.

So you may indeed wear the long skirts you prefer. Miss Manners is not so radical as to condone evening clothes being worn during the daytime, but it is not mere length that defines them. It is only if you went about in daylight wearing, for example, a low-cut satin dress with a bell skirt that she would assume you to be a bit late in getting home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One member of a group of friends advances money for an event and is then compensated by the others. This happens once or twice a year.

Everyone submits their check within a day or so, except one person who perennially fails to do so until "reminded" several times. The person always pays, but it is an aggravating situation to go through this every time.

Is there a polite way to let the person know that this conduct is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in the future?

GENTLE READER: Make that person the treasurer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was out to lunch today with my girlfriend at a fairly nice place, when I happened to get sick at lunch and vomited, not in the restroom, but in the dining area. The wait staff was incredibly pleasant, remade our meal and cleaned up the puke.

I realize that most people leave 20 to 22 percent when they have had superlative service. We tipped about 30 percent. Is that sufficient, or should we have tipped equivalent to our bill?

GENTLE READER: Well, what percentage of the meal was actually returned?

Miss Manners assures you that a 30 percent tip is generous. While not a pleasant task to perform, cleaning up is unfortunately part of the wait staff's job. And surely anyone could imagine being in your position and sympathize. If not, no amount of money will likely erase the memory.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in the same city as most of my husband's family. The problem is that they communicate only through social media. We never receive a call informing us of things like the birth of a child, an engagement or someone being in the ICU, because all the events of their lives are played out on social media.

My husband and I have purposely chosen not to be on social media and all our family members know this. He is a teacher who feels the blurred lines that can occur when students become "friends" with teachers on social media is not professionally appropriate. I have a very demanding, stressful job that often requires me to do work at home in the evenings and on weekends. I simply don't have time to post things or read all the posts from our large family.

We have asked these family members to give us a call, text or quick email when events happen, but it falls on deaf ears.

When the matriarch of his family asks me about "Josh's surgery," for example, and I have to say I was unaware Josh had been hospitalized, the matriarch blames me for not trying harder to maintain communication with these family members.

However, these are the same family members who never fail to invite us (by mailed invitations) to every possible event requiring a gift: birthday parties, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, etc.

Is there a way to get these social media fanatics to remember there are people who love them who are not their followers?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, probably not. It is seemingly just too convenient to overshare on social media, without the added inconvenience of personally connecting with any individuals.

If your family is not catching on by now, Miss Manners fears that it is unlikely that they ever will -- in their minds, just to suit you. Continue as you have done --quietly and without judgment -- urging them to reach out to you personally when they want to relay important information. Modeling this behavior by checking in with a quick personal email or call every once in a while will, perhaps, reinforce this. Mass impersonal texts to that end, however, will not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There must be a new trend in save-the-date cards for upcoming weddings. In the past few months I have received three such requests, but on all three cards, the couples failed to include their last names. There was a beautiful photo of the happy couple, and the words "Save the Date" for Mike and Haley, or Tiffany and Bob, and so on.

In all three cases, we have no idea who they are!

Granted, we have a large social network, as well as the adult friends of our children who may be getting married, but I feel it is so rude to send a save-the-date card for a large event and expect that everyone knows who they are. It causes me the extra work to have to search out who this happy couple is.

Is it me, or is it wrong of them to be so self-centered that they feel they are the only people on Earth planning a wedding and asking for well wishes, so that they don't need to include their full names? And finally, how do I politely ask them to reveal their identities?

GENTLE READER: It is not unusual for those about to be married to think they are alone on the planet, and in very limited doses, for short periods of time, it can even be endearing.

But expecting a stranger to hold a date is both impolite and impractical. If the trouble you are put to involves checking the last name on the return address against the names of your friends' children, Miss Manners wonders if it is not more trouble to point out the inconvenience.

But if not, leave open the possibility that the rudeness was caused by someone other than Tiffany or Bob. If there is a return address, you may respond: "My apologies, but the way the invitation arrived, we could not tell who had sent it. Could you please let me know whom I am addressing?"

If more work is required, you may find that you are not available when the invitation finally arrives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What container is the proper vessel with which to serve dry cereal at breakfast?

I know one should never serve food in its original container from the store, but I am at a loss when trying to deal with cereal, especially since it comes in so many sizes and shapes. Some types could easily be poured from a pitcher, while others could possibly be served on a platter with long fish tongs.

I am about to be hosting some breakfast gatherings for business associates and need guidance. My current plan is to simply not offer cereal, although this seems to be a regrettable situation, as I make a delicious homemade granola.

GENTLE READER: Did Miss Manners forget to decree that hosts should serve food in a way that gives diners a reasonable chance to transfer the food from the serving dish to their plate without half of it ending up on the table, the floor or themselves?

However, since most hosts will be responsible for any resulting cleanup, Miss Manners recommends a moderate nod to practicality after disposing of the plastic wrappers: a bowl and spoon for small items, a platter and serving utensil for more substantial items.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)