DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear friend of 40 years has a husband who is recently disabled and who now uses a handicapped parking placard that hangs from his rearview mirror.

When out together as couples, we have been dismayed to find that there are no handicapped spaces available at the restaurant or theater. We have all commiserated on what we feel is an abuse of handicapped spaces by the able-bodied.

Recently I drove this friend and two other friends to a garden/museum for what was to be an afternoon ladies' outing. As we drove by the handicapped spaces, my friend remarked, "It's a shame that I didn't bring hubby's placard in my purse -- we could have parked in a handicapped space."

I was shocked/disturbed by this comment and replied, "No, we would NOT have parked in a handicapped spot!"

Her response was, "That's ridiculous -- there are a hundred empty spaces!" (Obviously, an exaggeration.)

I then said, "I am sorry, but I don't care to be part of the problem."

My friend did drop the subject, but I wondered if there might have been a better way for me to have handled this.

GENTLE READER: Probably. What you said was justified, but Miss Manners fears that it is the way you said it that might have caused offense.

Perhaps something more along the lines of, "Surely, you do not want to contribute to the abuse of handicapped spaces that is causing this problem in the first place," would have resonated more deeply with your friend than being more severely reprimanded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, I frequently have had people come up to me in public places and say, "How do I know you?" or "Where do I know you from?" or "Haven't we met before?"

This is not a "pickup" line -- it happens with both males and females all the time.

I typically respond that I have a familiar face and people say this to me all the time. As I have gotten much older, I thought it would subside, but it has not. I don't mind to some extent, but it's gotten to the point that some people will not let it drop. They are insistent on trying to figure out who I am or where they may have met me before.

I always try to be as friendly and jovial as possible, but am not sure how to handle it when they keep coming back to me to try to figure it out. This typically occurs when I am out with my husband or friends for the evening, and we are all just trying to visit with one another over dinner, coffee or drinks, etc.

I've even had people sit down at my table and start asking me very personal questions so they can try to determine where they have met me before.

Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: "You probably saw me in my high school play."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should we address President Bill Clinton if his wife wins the title of president? Some have suggested First Gentleman. Some have stated that he would still be known as president. Who makes these decisions?

GENTLE READER: It is one thing to make protocol decisions, which come under the Department of State, and quite another thing to enforce them -- especially if the most prominent scofflaws are former presidents themselves.

Miss Manners knows that they mean to flatter one another, but it is at the cost of the dignity of the office they each have held. "President of the United States" is a unique title that should not be diluted.

Surely the prospect of a White House where people are perpetually asking "Which President Clinton do you mean?" should put a stop to that.

"First Lady" is a nickname, rather than an official title, although it is so thoroughly used that "First Gentleman" might also be, especially by those who find it amusing.

The correct protocol is that a former president reverts to the highest non-exclusive title he held. Thus George Washington was again known as "General Washington," and Mr. Clinton -- the title "Mr." is never insulting -- would be properly styled "Governor Clinton."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I are traveling from our small town to New York City next month, and we need to know the polite and compassionate way to deal with panhandlers.

I am not averse to giving money, but we cannot give to every person that asks. Is there a polite way to decline?

GENTLE READER: Though panhandling by desperate people is almost always unwelcome, Miss Manners agrees with you that the act is not automatically an affront, nor does it justify rudeness. Nor, barring threat or intimidation, is it kind to ignore such a request.

"I am sorry" is the polite way to refuse, after which it would be best not to remain long enough to invite an argument.

This is a useful dodge to learn, wherever you may live. The same response works for solvent acquaintances, even those canny enough to disguise the request for personal funds with words like "charitable donation."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A cousin of mine leaves her car at my house. She stops by once a year to drive it, then returns it.

I have decided to ask for some payment for its sitting here. I checked around and found out how much storage places charge, and I decided to charge her a third of what it would cost if she had taken it to a storage business.

She insists I should not charge family. I feel like I am being used for free storage. If I were to leave something at a friend's or family member's place, I would offer to pay something and not expect it to be free.

GENTLE READER: Your cousin has a point, although she conveniently ignores your own, namely that family members cannot be expected to provide unlimited or open-ended warehousing space.

Miss Manners is aware of only one exception to this rule -- providing a good home for a child's stuffed animals, which is only binding so long as said child continues to attend college classes. She therefore recommends you tell your cousin that, unfortunately, you can no longer look after her car 364 days a year, so if she leaves it on the street nearby, you cannot be expected to protect it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister helped me clean my house in preparation for getting ready to sell it. I gave her a check for $100, just a small way to show my appreciation. She certainly deserved five times that much. I told her that I really wanted her to accept the money, that she should buy something for herself.

She put the check through the paper shredder. I feel hurt and insulted that she didn't accept my gesture of appreciation. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

GENTLE READER: Because we live in crass times, many people, like you, find it unimaginable that anyone would feel hurt and insulted by being given money.

Yes, it is your sister who had cause to feel hurt.

Miss Manners understands that it adds to the confusion that it is now common practice to give out money instead of buying presents for relatives and friends. Had you given your sister a present, she would probably have been delighted. That sort of laundering makes a difference by showing, symbolically, that you understand her enough to select something that might please her.

But instead, you paid her. This puts her in the position of any stranger you might have hired to do the job. She is hurt because she did this out of love; families help one another out without expectation of recompense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it proper to wear ankle-length skirts?

This is my preferred skirt length, and I wear them a lot. I have tweed narrow ones for work, floral print ones for dressy occasions, and some that I wear to lounge around the house. I even found a suit with a tailored, narrow ankle-length skirt that I wear for formal business occasions.

I think I read that long skirt lengths were only for evening. I love wearing skirts, but have never been too keen on showing much leg. Am I being improper?

GENTLE READER: Only if you are actually allowing your ankles to show.

Oh, sorry. Miss Manners misses those days, when it was so easy to shock people. Now it is probably impossible to do so.

However, she does not miss the later -- although still distant -- days when fashion regularly decreed changing skirt lengths, and condemned as dowdy anyone who did not scramble to keep up, or down, as the case may have been.

So you may indeed wear the long skirts you prefer. Miss Manners is not so radical as to condone evening clothes being worn during the daytime, but it is not mere length that defines them. It is only if you went about in daylight wearing, for example, a low-cut satin dress with a bell skirt that she would assume you to be a bit late in getting home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One member of a group of friends advances money for an event and is then compensated by the others. This happens once or twice a year.

Everyone submits their check within a day or so, except one person who perennially fails to do so until "reminded" several times. The person always pays, but it is an aggravating situation to go through this every time.

Is there a polite way to let the person know that this conduct is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in the future?

GENTLE READER: Make that person the treasurer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)