DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are debating the use of a spoon during dinner (not for soup or dessert). We often have rice as a side dish, or mixed vegetables. He uses a spoon to eat it! Not to push onto a fork (as is etiquette), but to eat from the spoon like a shovel! He is teaching my 4-year-old to do the same thing.

I maintain the spoon or knife can be used to push the food onto the fork, but may not be eaten directly from the spoon. Which is the right protocol?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure it is not the 4-year-old who is teaching him?

Or perhaps, depending on how old your husband is, he is remembering a time before the widespread use of the fork, when most people ate with spoons. That was in the early 19th century, after which the spoon was banished from the main course.

In any case, both of them are now old enough to eat with a fork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend keeps calling to sleep over because she works part time on call, lives about an hour away, and if she stays at our house, she will get to work in 10 minutes.

I have a 5-year-old and am married, and I let her stay already one time thus far. I care about her, but she tends to have a habit to always overstay her welcome -- it's a pattern. How do I say no without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: It would be convenient if moochers did not have feelings, but Miss Manners has noticed that this is seldom the case: Too many appear to hoard their emotions, being doubly sensitive in regards to their own comfort while ignoring yours.

You may have to choose between saying "no" and hurting your friend's feelings, but you do not have to choose between saying "no" and being rude. The trick is to avoid both specifics and generalities. Tell your friend that the night she has asked about is not possible for you. Do not explain why. And do not tell her that she will hear this answer every time she calls. She will eventually get the idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a lecture in my college class, somebody will sneeze. I know that the polite thing to do is to say "Bless you," but is it polite to disrupt the entire lecture by yelling it across the room?

I have several classmates who will loudly say "Bless you" at every sneeze. The "blessings" are more disruptive then the sneeze! They even do this during exam time.

The ones bestowing the blessing are polite and very nice people, but the blessings are a little too much.

GENTLE READER: While philosophers may spend their time debating the sound made by the proverbial tree falling in the proverbial forest, etiquette has less free time.

She, in the person of Miss Manners, does not require acknowledgment of things unseen, or in this case unheard. No one is required to say "hello" to someone spotted a block away. And in the interest of practicality, she also asserts that beyond a certain distance -- arm's length, in this case -- no one is expected to have heard, and no response is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As Thanksgiving approaches, I am at a loss to respond to my stepson (married with three children), who views an invitation to dinner as an opening for negotiations.

For example, we have invited his family for dinner (with other guests) at 6 p.m. In response, he asks: "Who will be there? What are we having? We don't like to sit down to dinner -- we find sitting in a dining room too confining. We might be late because we are visiting (his wife's) family in the afternoon. Make sure the meal is ready at 6 sharp," etc.

My preferred response would be, "We are having Thanksgiving dinner at 6 p.m., so if you can't attend, we understand."

However, in an effort to keep the peace, I have, over the last few years, served his family Thanksgiving brunch/lunch, then prepared and served the planned dinner; prepared and served two Christmas meals at the time and manner demanded: "not in the dining room," "not before noon," "no turkey," "We won't be there on Thursday, but will come on Friday," etc.

I was taught that it was not polite to ask the menu (absent some real medical issue), but simply to accept or decline with regret the invitation as presented.

I would like to avoid the "second seating" option. Is there any good way to respond and stop the negotiations?

GENTLE READER: Remember the children's table? That was once a staple of holiday parties, to separate civilized diners from not-yet-civilized diners. It seems to Miss Manners that your stepson meets the latter qualification.

She understands that for family reasons you do not want to use the legitimate option of saying that you understand that they will not attend. But you can meet the unwarranted demands while still holding the meal you had planned for others.

If the times coincide, you can hold your meal in the dining room while providing room and turkey-free plates elsewhere, in acknowledgment of their not wanting to sit down. If they arrive at a different time or a different day -- well, everyone knows how good holiday leftovers are.

And as you will graciously point out, you will be doing this to comply with your stepson's stated wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was addressing our gift card and package to an out-of-state relative of my husband's, I noticed an extra card in the wedding invitation with hotel options, day-of logistics, etc.

At the bottom of this card was the strangest statement and something I have never seen on a wedding invitation. It said, "In Lue (sic) of Thank You Notes, we are making donations to (two very reputable charitable organizations)."

I just don't understand. How am I to know if they received and liked our gift? This seems very odd to me.

GENTLE READER: The oddest part is that these people believe that they will appear to be generous while exhibiting a stunning lack of respect for your generosity. And Miss Manners bets that they expect the charities to acknowledge their donations, with the documentation necessary for them to get tax credit.

Have you sent that package? If not, you might want to write them that you appreciate their interest in those charities, and therefore are donating to them in lieu (maybe they will learn to spell that) of sending a wedding present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single father. My daughter is adopted, so I knew what I was getting into.

Way back in the beginning of this journey, her godmother warned me that because I am single, there would be many, mostly women, who would insist on giving me parenting advice. For the most part I have followed her suggestion to ignore them.

This last summer, some teachers at her program cornered me to advise what type of swimming suit she should be wearing. We had painfully shopped for her suit and settled on one that would offer the most convenience and modesty. These women felt that she should be wearing a one-piece instead of the three-piece we chose.

When I offered that the three-piece, basically a bikini type with a full cover-up allowing only a small portion of skin on her back to show, was chosen because it was easier for her to use the restroom, etc., I was told that a one-piece was more appropriate.

Miss Manners, I was stunned, appalled and then infuriated, because this suit is perfectly modest and actually covers more than a one-piece would cover. I ended the confrontation with "Thank you, I will take it on advisement."

What should I have done? And should I send her swimming next time with the suit, or am I obliged to purchase another because they "offered" their advice? The suit meets pool regulations, it is modest, and Grandma approved.

GENTLE READER: There are two issues at play here: the unwarranted advice of smug parents who think that they know better and have better taste than you -- or any single father -- and the wardrobe regulations of teachers stating what is recommended (or required) at their facilities.

Miss Manners fears that the directive given on this occasion falls somewhere between the two. Nevertheless, as these teachers seem to have something to do with the pool that your daughter attended, it might behoove you to follow their advice, impractical and unwelcome as it may be, and save the three-piece for other outings. But you are justified in politely ignoring unsolicited advice from those who do not have your daughter directly in their care.

As a side note, Miss Manners commends you on "knowing what you were getting into" when you adopted your daughter. She knows hardly any other parent, adoptive or not, who can claim the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman at church continues to approach me about a beauty/health product she sells. I feel very uncomfortable when I see her coming to "greet" me because I know where the greeting will lead. She insists that I give her a date for her to share her product(s) ... because "it will make your skin appear as it did when you were much younger."

I told her that I'm satisfied with my current products, but she insists that her products are much better. How can I make this woman leave me alone? I've seen her cornering other folks at church too!

GENTLE READER: "I am so sorry, but I am here to attend church and socialize, not to engage in business transactions, however wonderful your products may be." And see if the church will display a "No Soliciting" sign -- which Miss Manners recommends that you stand conveniently near.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)