DEAR MISS MANNERS: We hosted my mother-in-law last year for Thanksgiving, and she indicated she wanted to come again this year. While I wasn't necessarily planning on inviting her, there is always enough food, so I explained that if she'd like to come there's room at the table.

Now she's telling everyone in the family that I "begged" for her to come, but this just simply isn't true. My husband's relationship with her is already strained due to her overly dramatic style. Do I address this with her or leave it? I'm at an absolute loss.

GENTLE READER: About how to tell your mother-in-law, and maybe everyone else, that while you are tolerating her presence, you wouldn't dream of begging her to attend?

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

Miss Manners fails to understand what harm it does for the lady to tell the family that you welcome her. She would even suggest that you do beg her. As she is going to show up anyway, you have nothing to lose, and perhaps a pleasanter Thanksgiving to gain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a very big fan of most wines, but I do enjoy port. When I go out to eat, is it appropriate to order a dessert wine like port or sherry during the main course?

Also, if it is all right to drink port with dinner, how do I politely explain to the waiter that I know what I am ordering? I've had two waiters tell me that I should select something else for dinner, even though I was quite certain of what I wanted.

GENTLE READER: "All right" with whom?

Granted, these are not the conventional choices to drink with dinner. But you go to a restaurant to buy a meal. Surely you should choose a meal that you will enjoy.

Miss Manners is not going to discourage you from doing that, nor do those waiters mean to do so. You need only thank them for their offer of advice and repeat that what you have selected is what you prefer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years I would host Thanksgiving and Easter dinners in my home. People would ask if they could bring anything, and I always said no because I feel that if you invite people to your home, the host puts on the dinner.

My nephew hosts Thanksgiving now, and he has asked me what I'm bringing. I don't mind bringing a dish to pass, but feel I should offer. My niece feels that to accept an invitation without bringing a dish to pass is rude. Have I missed something?

GENTLE READER: You have missed the current notion that every meal is a cooperative venture, and that bringing a dish cancels the need to reciprocate. Miss Manners keeps trying to bat down this trend in favor of true hospitality, but so far with little success.

There is, however, historical precedent, as well as modern custom, for Thanksgiving's being a joint endeavor. So while you should have a say in what you bring while acknowledging the chief planner's need to balance the menu, this is not the best holiday to be annoyed at the request.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving?

GENTLE READER: Probably not with your neighbors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, who is 6 1/2 years old and weighs about 45 pounds, is a beautiful little blonde with curly hair and blue eyes, and reminds me of an angel. But my mother-in-law, stepmother-in-law and brother-in-law all make comments about her, such as, "She sure has thinned out," and "She's getting thin" and "She's getting tall, she's lost some of her belly."

This infuriates me! My daughter is not the only person they talk about like this (they say stuff about everyone), but she is my main concern. She is fit and cute as a bug, and is NOT overweight in the least. She has never even had "baby fat," so to speak. If anything, she is petite.

Those three are the only ones who have ever made comments about her, and when I tell other people (my friends or other family members), they don't understand what my other family is seeing. The ones who say these things do not intend to be mean -- they love my daughter -- they just seem to be too much into looks and how others look.

It is concerning. I don't want to be rude, but do want to make a point that they are being rude, and if they don't stop, one day my daughter is going to hear a comment that makes her think badly of herself. Girls' self-esteems are so delicate, don't you think? So what should I say to family to get my point across before I go psycho mom on them?

GENTLE READER: It might be too late for that.

But Miss Manners understands your frustration. While you rightly perceive your relatives' appraisals to be insulting in their implication that your daughter used to be overweight, the actual words are that she is now not.

Miss Manners agrees that no weight assessment should be made to anyone, much less a 6-year-old. Unfortunately, we live in a time where being thin is equated with beauty, and losing weight a commendable achievement. In other words, your relatives think they are paying your daughter compliments.

While Miss Manners fears that she will not be able to correct this overall backward thinking, she can indeed reassure you that she condemns their utterance. And in your daughter's case, finds them redundant. Losing baby fat is what children tend to do when they are no longer babies. However, please try to continue ignoring these comments and focus on the obvious joy that you take in your daughter's beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your thoughts on being invited to a Thanksgiving meal, only to be asked to pay per person (family)? Not everyone invited is asked to pay, and those that are asked to pay, pay more than a fair share.

GENTLE READER: As this seems to be a business proposition, Miss Manners would think those being charged would weigh the amount of thankfulness they expect to receive in return and check whether there might be a better deal elsewhere.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are debating the use of a spoon during dinner (not for soup or dessert). We often have rice as a side dish, or mixed vegetables. He uses a spoon to eat it! Not to push onto a fork (as is etiquette), but to eat from the spoon like a shovel! He is teaching my 4-year-old to do the same thing.

I maintain the spoon or knife can be used to push the food onto the fork, but may not be eaten directly from the spoon. Which is the right protocol?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure it is not the 4-year-old who is teaching him?

Or perhaps, depending on how old your husband is, he is remembering a time before the widespread use of the fork, when most people ate with spoons. That was in the early 19th century, after which the spoon was banished from the main course.

In any case, both of them are now old enough to eat with a fork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend keeps calling to sleep over because she works part time on call, lives about an hour away, and if she stays at our house, she will get to work in 10 minutes.

I have a 5-year-old and am married, and I let her stay already one time thus far. I care about her, but she tends to have a habit to always overstay her welcome -- it's a pattern. How do I say no without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: It would be convenient if moochers did not have feelings, but Miss Manners has noticed that this is seldom the case: Too many appear to hoard their emotions, being doubly sensitive in regards to their own comfort while ignoring yours.

You may have to choose between saying "no" and hurting your friend's feelings, but you do not have to choose between saying "no" and being rude. The trick is to avoid both specifics and generalities. Tell your friend that the night she has asked about is not possible for you. Do not explain why. And do not tell her that she will hear this answer every time she calls. She will eventually get the idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a lecture in my college class, somebody will sneeze. I know that the polite thing to do is to say "Bless you," but is it polite to disrupt the entire lecture by yelling it across the room?

I have several classmates who will loudly say "Bless you" at every sneeze. The "blessings" are more disruptive then the sneeze! They even do this during exam time.

The ones bestowing the blessing are polite and very nice people, but the blessings are a little too much.

GENTLE READER: While philosophers may spend their time debating the sound made by the proverbial tree falling in the proverbial forest, etiquette has less free time.

She, in the person of Miss Manners, does not require acknowledgment of things unseen, or in this case unheard. No one is required to say "hello" to someone spotted a block away. And in the interest of practicality, she also asserts that beyond a certain distance -- arm's length, in this case -- no one is expected to have heard, and no response is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)