DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to renew vows after one year?

GENTLE READER: Were they running out?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband's memorial service, the funeral home staff seated myself (the widow), our young children (2.5 and 7 years of age), my parents and my best friend (who was there to take the youngest child, if there were any issues) in the first pew. The pew was full.

My friend and the toddler had to leave three-fourths of the way through the service, due to a full diaper and a tantrum. It was a pretty stressful day for all of us.

My deceased husband's mother and two siblings, as well as some uncles and aunts (siblings of the mother), were seated in the second pew.

After the memorial service, my former mother-in-law took me to task on the seating arrangements, saying HER family should have sat in the first pew. She was extremely angry and vocal, complaining that that I "got all the attention." I was shocked and confused, mumbled something about not arranging the seating, and left.

Can you please give me your opinion on my former mother-in-law's behavior?

P.S. I was happily married to my husband for 21 years and still miss him.

GENTLE READER: Many people would make the excuse that bereavement is "stressful" -- and that bad behavior, such as your mother-in-law's, must therefore be overlooked. Miss Manners recognizes the former without being convinced of the latter.

While it might have been reasonable to seat your husband's mother ahead of your parents, this is no longer relevant. Fighting over recognition at the funeral of a loved one is loathsome.

Your evasive response was sensible. Perhaps your mother-in-law will recognize her rudeness and apologize, but if she does not, you may find that a polite aloofness will be unfortunately necessary between people who ought to be able to be of comfort to each other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, I was given a trinket by a lady who knew my mother. I hung onto it, and several decades later discovered that it was actually a collectible worth several thousand dollars. I have discovered that the woman is alive. Is it proper to offer to return the gift, and if so, how would I phrase it tactfully?

GENTLE READER: Returning a gift is generally an insult and therefore best done only if that is your intention. In the situation you describe, it is both unnecessary and, because of the possibility of misunderstanding, unwise.

Although the trinket turned out not to be a trinket, Miss Manners believes that the value of a gift is measured by its meaningfulness to the recipient -- and therefore notes that its value was always high.

It would be charming to write a second thank-you note mentioning how much the item means to you even after all these years -- if you can promise Miss Manners that you will not mention the current bidding at online auction sites.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish I had a round table!

My husband has decided that, although such distinctions are "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about," we should seat our most senior or honored guests at the head and foot of our table and always take seats along the side of the table ourselves (unless we have just one female guest, for example, meaning my husband would remain at the head).

I maintain that as long as we're going to observe rules, the position of honor is to the right of the hostess (for a male guest) and to the right of the host (for a female guest), and that we should remain at the head and foot of the table (not least because the foot of the table is closest to the kitchen door, in my case).

He tells me that I am being shallow and should be generous and confident enough to cede the hostess's position at the foot of the table.

GENTLE READER: As well as the hostess duties that take you into the kitchen?

But Miss Manners does not wish to argue this on practical grounds, when it is a matter of tradition rooted in history. That must be what your husband means by "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about" -- except him, apparently.

With the polite modern notion of yielding to guests, it is indeed odd that hosts occupy the dominant positions at dinner. But such has been the case since the medieval "high table," where hosts presided over their guests, in descending order of rank. And that is what people now expect. You could adopt a variation, sitting opposite your husband in the middle of the table, but you would probably confuse those in the ordinary host positions about what is expected of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a middle-class retired couple with one son, married to a girl we love who is expecting their first child. Their wedding was more extravagant than anyone in our family had ever seen, and although we were not asked to help pay for it, we wrote them a substantial check as a gift.

Now to the baby shower, which daughter-in-law's mother and I are hosting. Once again it will be very extravagant, and I pray I can escape with no more than a $5,000 check for my half of the expense.

Let me just say that her family has several sons who are physicians. Her parents have no fear of becoming destitute; hence, they spend lavishly. As I said, we have one son and don't want to become a burden to him in our old age; hence, we are frugal (aka cheap). While biting my tongue bloody at the cost of the shower, I also know I'm expected to bring an expensive gift. What to buy?

GENTLE READER: A $10,000 baby shower?

You could have an extremely nice vacation for your share, and be back in time for the birth of the baby. And you would be correct, because relatives are not supposed to be the hosts of showers.

Still, this excuse might not go over with your son and daughter-in-law. To them, you owe the explanation that such doings are way beyond your means, and -- without mentioning the comparative riches of the in-laws -- you could only be a guest. In that case, you would bring a present, but one that is in keeping with your spending habits, not with the extravagant expectations of others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has become common to see adults at the dinner table holding their forks or spoons in their fists, much like a children who are just learning to feed themselves. Am I wrong to find the sight of this off-putting? Does it matter how one holds their fork or spoon?

GENTLE READER: The larger question is: Should it matter?

Miss Manners is thoroughly sick of the fact that when people disparage etiquette -- forgetting how much they hate being treated rudely -- they accuse it of a petty preoccupation with the choice and use of forks. That is only one branch of the vast reach of etiquette, which covers all behavior that affects other people.

But eating rituals, as any anthropologist can attest, are a deeply emotional part of civilization. Sophisticated travelers know that gross violations of other cultures' eating habits are fatal to any welcome for which they might hope.

Oddly, some of the same people who respect foreign rituals are indifferent or even contemptuous of their own. Whom would they offend?

Well, in your case, you -- and many others, even though they do so unawares. So yes, it does matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who has been abandoned by my former "couple" friends and am trying to rebuild my life. Several weeks ago I invited two separate, similarly situated women whom I have recently become acquainted with to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my daughter and me. Both of them were noncommittal, and I did not press them for an answer.

I had planned a simple dinner if it was just going to be the two of us, but would have made something more elaborate if we were going to have guests. Two days before Thanksgiving, one of them telephoned to see how I was doing but did not mention Thanksgiving dinner, so I didn't either.

Should I have asked her if she was coming? (It would have been inconvenient to change the menu on such short notice.) Or was it my obligation to follow up with both of them earlier?

There is another holiday coming up soon, and I want to be better prepared when issuing invitations. What could I have done better?

GENTLE READER: Surely it is your targeted guests who could have done better. Much better.

Being noncommittal is not a decent response to an offer of hospitality. Miss Manners does not consider it the host's duty to probe for an answer, but, sadly, that is the only way to get one from rude people. She recommends countering hedging by treating it as the negative response that it really is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is in a public high school where there is large disparity between incomes from some of the poorest to some of the wealthiest in the United States. While this is a known fact of the school, I have recently found myself in the uncomfortable position where women from the wealthy side of the freeway ask me what street we live on, fishing to determine if we live in their "acceptable" area. Their questioning starts with street, continues on to parameters of the neighborhood, old house or rebuilt, and how many updates we've made to the "old" house.

How do I shut this down in the beginning? It's not just friendly chitchat, and they are clearly not being as stealthy as they think they are.

GENTLE READER: "I live within the parameters of the school neighborhood. Aren't we all lucky to be within its borders?"

And then change the subject to how the parents can be further involved in the betterment of the school. Surely, that will be a source of much more material, if not actual interest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)