DEAR MISS MANNERS: 'Tis the season, and my boyfriend and I have just moved in together. I have three children and he has two, which he has 50 percent of the time. Their home is with their own mother.

Now it's time for my family Christmas card. I need to know if it's bad manners to make a family Christmas card with the five children and/or with myself and my boyfriend.

Please help me because I don't know what I should do. We are not engaged; we have been together three years, and only for the past two months have we shared a home. I feel my own children, ages 11, 8, 6, wouldn't like this sharing of cards. His children are 8 and 6. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Is that more important than what your children think?

And they are not the only people whom Miss Manners suspects that you might annoy. Possibly the other children, and perhaps their mother, by your representing this as their primary family.

And that is not to count many of the recipients of your card, who will be asking one another, "Who are all these people?" Yours being a new household, there are apt to be some on your Christmas card list who do not know about the arrangement.

If you want to take the occasion to tell them pictorially, please limit that to you and your new partner. The children may be included by your writing a brief note about how pleased you are to have them all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We like to entertain at home, generally small, casual gatherings. Following the event, my husband will often share with others the names of our most recent dinner guests.

I believe this is something that should not be shared, especially by name, as it either sounds like bragging ("We had the mayor over for dinner on Friday") or could lead to hurt feelings ("Why didn't you invite us too?"). Am I being too private and/or sensitive?

GENTLE READER: What with postings of party reports and pictures on social media, the rule against telling people about social events to which they are not invited is in shreds. Miss Manners does not see why your husband should add to that, for the very reasons that you cite. Nor can she think of a benign reason for doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received a Christmas card and wedding "save the date" card from someone I don't know. Yet they had our names and address.

So as people do in this day and age, I searched the last name on Facebook, and found that it is the son of my cousin's daughter who is getting married. Heck, I have only seen this cousin maybe five times in my life (and I am 55), have never even met her kids, so of course not her kids' kids.

Are we obligated to send a wedding gift? (We won't be attending.) I was shocked to receive an invite and Xmas card from a total stranger, not to mention to be invited to a wedding of her son.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps lulled by the spirit of the season, Miss Manners would like to declare Benefit of the Doubt Day. Perhaps your relatives merely thought this would be an occasion to become acquainted.

At any rate, a wedding invitation is neither a subpoena nor a bill. As you have not yet been invited, you owe nothing. However, a return Christmas card extending congratulations would be gracious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a social media account I rarely use. Lately I have been told that I was invited via social media to graduation parties and an open house.

I feel that if the occasion did not warrant a paper invitation, it does not warrant my response, attendance or cash. Am I too old-fashioned? And frankly, I did not actually see two of the three invitations in time.

GENTLE READER: Well, then how could you have possibly answered?

Miss Manners agrees that an invitation that is more likely to warrant "likes" than actual responses is not an invitation that you need to take seriously. If the hosts cannot be bothered to narrow down their list, then they should not be insulted when guests do not respond, much less bring gifts or attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude or inconsiderate to purchase a gift for someone that you can also enjoy, for example, a spa day or a manicure for two? I would love to purchase this for my sister, but I'm afraid it will come off as a gift for me, too.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is, but it is also a gift of your company which, depending on the current state of your relationship, your sister will either see as endearing or as a burden. As you are the one paying for it, you can hardly be faulted for wanting to enjoy both the rewards of the gift and the benefits of being with her. Miss Manners hopes that you will -- at least outwardly -- express more enthusiasm for the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to dinner. When we asked what we could bring, the wife said "dessert." That's fine; I'm a good cook and like to make desserts. Then her husband got on the line and asked us to pick up a pineapple cheesecake from a specific store.

I was really put off. I hate pineapple in desserts, and I find it insulting that he was telling us to go buy something. Now I don't even want to go -- he'll probably express disappointment at anything I make, and I feel under pressure to fix something amazing.

Should I just pick up his stupid cheesecake or what? To be honest, I'm tempted to fix him something with a load of jalapenos in it.

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't this all have been avoidable if only you hadn't asked?

Miss Manners understands that this question of what to bring to a dinner party is now considered obligatory. In fact, it is not. If only she could get the world to understand that an invitation to dine does not -- and should not -- require an immediate demand of what is needed.

Presumably the host should have already thought of that and prepared it. That is what hosting means. A token present (flowers, chocolates) at the time of the party is nice, but a letter of thanks and reciprocal invitation are the only things truly expected -- and usually welcomed -- in return.

However, if you are going to ask what to bring, you cannot then be insulted by the response. What (from your point of view) started as merely a polite offer has suddenly turned into a scheme to light people's mouths on fire. Mostly innocent people, Miss Manners might add. Better never to have asked. But you did, so bring the cheesecake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to renew vows after one year?

GENTLE READER: Were they running out?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband's memorial service, the funeral home staff seated myself (the widow), our young children (2.5 and 7 years of age), my parents and my best friend (who was there to take the youngest child, if there were any issues) in the first pew. The pew was full.

My friend and the toddler had to leave three-fourths of the way through the service, due to a full diaper and a tantrum. It was a pretty stressful day for all of us.

My deceased husband's mother and two siblings, as well as some uncles and aunts (siblings of the mother), were seated in the second pew.

After the memorial service, my former mother-in-law took me to task on the seating arrangements, saying HER family should have sat in the first pew. She was extremely angry and vocal, complaining that that I "got all the attention." I was shocked and confused, mumbled something about not arranging the seating, and left.

Can you please give me your opinion on my former mother-in-law's behavior?

P.S. I was happily married to my husband for 21 years and still miss him.

GENTLE READER: Many people would make the excuse that bereavement is "stressful" -- and that bad behavior, such as your mother-in-law's, must therefore be overlooked. Miss Manners recognizes the former without being convinced of the latter.

While it might have been reasonable to seat your husband's mother ahead of your parents, this is no longer relevant. Fighting over recognition at the funeral of a loved one is loathsome.

Your evasive response was sensible. Perhaps your mother-in-law will recognize her rudeness and apologize, but if she does not, you may find that a polite aloofness will be unfortunately necessary between people who ought to be able to be of comfort to each other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, I was given a trinket by a lady who knew my mother. I hung onto it, and several decades later discovered that it was actually a collectible worth several thousand dollars. I have discovered that the woman is alive. Is it proper to offer to return the gift, and if so, how would I phrase it tactfully?

GENTLE READER: Returning a gift is generally an insult and therefore best done only if that is your intention. In the situation you describe, it is both unnecessary and, because of the possibility of misunderstanding, unwise.

Although the trinket turned out not to be a trinket, Miss Manners believes that the value of a gift is measured by its meaningfulness to the recipient -- and therefore notes that its value was always high.

It would be charming to write a second thank-you note mentioning how much the item means to you even after all these years -- if you can promise Miss Manners that you will not mention the current bidding at online auction sites.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)