DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the importance of thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: What is the importance of generosity? What is the importance of kindness?

Miss Manners supposes that in a world in which there were no presents, favors, good deeds or thoughtful words, there would be no need for serious expressions of thanks. She just wouldn't want to live there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend church services nearly every Sunday at a small neighborhood church, where almost all the attendees know each other across many dimensions of life, not just religion/worship.

Because the number of seats is usually less than the number of attendees, people tend to arrive early. Before services begin, there is an active buzz of conversation, about yesterday's ballgame, politics, who is the host for tomorrow's book club meeting ...

I find this inappropriate, as if attendees at a dinner party in someone's home paid the host no attention until the meal was served. My "example" of quietly reading the day's Bible passages has had no effect.

Is mine an old fuddy-duddy attitude? If not, what might be a reasonable approach to changing things?

GENTLE READER: Different faiths -- even different worship groups within the same faith -- practice different etiquette in regard to nonreligious discussions at church, synagogue or mosque. There are, however, common threads.

Nearly all religions treat the place of worship as a holy site, literally the divine home. But services are also generally a communal activity -- joint worship is a means to cement societal bonds. So Miss Manners cannot join you in condemning ordinary sociability, which most congregations see as strengthening their community.

The comparison to a dinner party, though lighthearted, is therefore on point in many respects. While nonreligious conversation is acceptable, participants should be respectful of the host and mindful of the location. This means some topics are more acceptable than others, and jokes about the religious fervor of one's devotion to the local sports team should be off-limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending the (first) wedding of an old friend. The couple is registered at traditional sites.

I'd like to do something less boring than cutlery or towels. These guys are in their 40s and have a reasonable household established. It's OK for me to choose my own gift, right?

GENTLE READER: What a radical idea -- that you, as a friend, would put some thought into giving them something that might please them!

Does anyone but Miss Manners remember that that is not only the real tradition, but also the entire justification for the custom of exchanging presents?

By all means, do so. Let us hope that your friends and others will appreciate this and take it up as a novelty among those who otherwise merely exchange shopping lists.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why would a lady -- or a gentleman, for that matter -- be obliged to answer any personal question?

GENTLE READER: They are not obliged. So the real question is why they feel obliged to answer. Miss Manners supposes it is because they need a polite alternative response, which is, "Oh, I'm afraid that's a personal matter."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that one is not supposed to point out lapses in polite behavior to others. But how can one hope to change questionable behavior in others without breaking this rule?

My significant other and I often go to happy hours instead of dining more formally. This practice takes us to bars. When we approach the bar, my partner seats himself comfortably and waits for me to squeeze in beside him, regardless of the number of occupied stools.

Is he breaking any rules? I feel that he is, but I do not point this out to him due to rule one, not pointing out lapses in others. Can you help me?

GENTLE READER: It's called "Honey, would you mind ...?"

It is true that Miss Manners is rules-crazy, because she doesn't want people making up their own etiquette, which, oddly enough, always turns out to favor them at the expense of others. As you know, she wants that particular rule obeyed.

But if your Other is as Significant as you say, surely he would want to please you. And if couples were not allowed an occasional plea of "Honey, I know you don't mean it, but there's something that drives me crazy," the divorce rate would be approximately 100 percent.

Notice that this phrasing does not tax the other person with the rudeness of breaking a rule. It merely states a personal request. If you do this as you are headed to the bar -- "This time, would you mind letting me get seated first? It's awkward trying to slip in beside you" -- you should be able to accomplish your objective even more gently.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know someone who is in the late stages of a terminal illness. This person received one of those colorful, lovely animated email greeting cards from a close family member. The e-card wished the "Best New Year for 2017."

The recipient was shocked that someone would send such a thing. Even if it was the result of a thoughtless failure to edit a mass mailing list, it seems a horrible breach of manners. The recipient was very hurt and said so.

GENTLE READER: In this situation, there is no time left for such misunderstandings, Miss Manners would think. Perhaps the card sender thought of this as wishing for the best possible year under the circumstances.

But no matter. Please tell that person about the patient's reaction, which you might gently characterize as a misinterpretation, so that amends can be made.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to wear a white tie and waistcoat with a conventional tuxedo? Or must they only be worn with a tailcoat?

GENTLE READER: A fundamental misunderstanding about gentlemen's evening clothes, for which Miss Manners blames movie stars, is that they should display the creativity of the wearer.

Wrong. That's for ladies. Gentlemen should rather be noted for their correctness and tailoring. And the correct tie and optional waistcoat that go with the tuxedo are black, which is why it is properly called "black tie"; while for "white tie," which features the tailcoat, the tie and waistcoat are white.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the only one who is uncomfortable when the person on the other end of a telephone call does a loud Archie Bunker-type flush in the middle of the conversation? It makes me feel like I am in the bathroom with the individual.

GENTLE READER? Indeed. "Oh dear, I seem to have caught you at a bad time. Perhaps I should try you later when you are not quite so indisposed."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college roommate and I have remained close friends over the years. She called to tell me that she was engaged and was planning a small wedding next fall. As this is a second marriage for both, her plan is to keep the ceremony and reception small, with only family and very close friends.

I was happy with her news and offered to host a small dinner before the wedding. She seemed thrilled and accepted with much expressed gratitude.

As the wedding approaches, my former roommate and I have talked about the various plans going on, as well as my dinner. At the end of a follow-up call, she said: "Invitations have gone in the mail today, and while you are invited to the wedding, your husband is not. I really don't care for him."

I was at a loss for words and ended the call. We have been close friends for 40 years and have named children after each other. I'm in a state of shock.

What should I tell my husband, and what advice do you have for me?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is far from justifying this atrocious behavior, she is hoping, for your sake, that this woman is suffering from an acute case of a common, if unacceptable, affliction: bridal monstrosity. Surely when she comes to her senses, she will apologize profusely.

But Miss Manners would be happy to help you speed up that process by suggesting you say in your most measured tone, "Well, I am afraid that my husband and I come as a set, something I'm sure you and Travis would want to be considered once you are married. And I'll assume, therefore, that you won't be wanting us to host the dinner, since my husband and the house also come together."

If the first statement doesn't wake her up, surely the cancellation of the party, for which she expressed so much gratitude, will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks that he is the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity.

Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: What a helpmate you must be to your husband. Does he also help you by deflating your colleagues or acquaintances?

Miss Manners' suggestion of a comeback to bragging is "How nice for you." As your husband is this person's employer, you might add, "I've heard so much about you," without consenting to elaborate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)