DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a doctor's receptionist calls to confirm your appointment and you are out, they practically demand that you call them to assure them you are keeping your appointment.

This is becoming epidemic. I find it annoying, as any respectable person will keep an appointment they make, or cancel it in a reasonable time. Thus I find this request rather insulting, as it translates to, "Assure me that you're an honest person."

GENTLE READER: The receptionist, who undoubtedly agrees with you about the importance of keeping appointments, would answer that the epidemic is among patients who do not. And being a member of a medical staff, he or she has a professional aversion to epidemics of any kind.

Miss Manners does not consider that the cure is worse than the disease. The reminder call is a kindness, so long as any request for confirmation is not too strongly worded. Doctors' offices do it as an alternative to the punitive, though acceptable, business practice of charging for missed appointments as if they had occurred.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper when someone apologizes and you know it isn't sincere? To just say, "I do not accept your apology," or what? How do I respond?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that." It may be said in the same tone of voice that led you to believe that the apology was not sincere. And if you are on jury duty, Miss Manners assures you that an insincere apology does not prevent you from voting for conviction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many people do not feel the need to cancel parties, events, performances, games, etc., even though a close family member or friend has died. "She would have wanted the party to go on." That is what Clive Davis said when he held his pre-Grammy party with the body of his dead friend Whitney Houston still on the premises.

What is the rule about what events do or don't "go on" when a family member or close friend (how close?) dies. Does the football player still play in the Super Bowl the day after his father dies? Does the president address Congress the day after the death of his daughter (for example)? Where do you draw the line?

GENTLE READER: It is amazing how many recently deceased people take an interest in jolly events that they will miss. One used to be able to take it for granted that hosting a party or attending a joyous event while in mourning was something to be avoided.

However, this is not always possible. The Constitution allows flexibility in the timing of the State of the Union address, even if network television producers do not. Team members may need the contributions of a player who feels up to participating.

There can be no absolute rule, as the severity and closeness of the loss has to be weighed against the importance of the event, the ability to reschedule and the level of inconvenience to other participants. If participation is unavoidable and bearable, Miss Manners and good taste still expect subdued behavior, and the phrase "She would have wanted the party to go on" to be said in a funereal tone and not followed by open displays of hilarity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Happily, my girlfriend of two years accepted my marriage proposal, and even happier still, we can actually get legally married since we are both women. We would like to have a small ceremony at our home with friends and family who want to celebrate with us.

In an effort to have only a small number of truly supportive people with us this day, I have suggested the following: We send save-the-date cards to our invitation list. But we send full invitations only to those who respond saying they would like to attend.

This way, we are more sure of the guest count, and we are sure that those in attendance will be pleasant guests. (We both come from families that have a certain religious affiliation that is not friendly to homosexuals.)

My fiancee does not like the idea, as it will lead to confusion among those who receive the save-the-date card but who do not wish to contact us for more information.

I think if we are not close enough to a person that a phone call expressing congratulations on our engagement is too much, then we do not want them there.

GENTLE READER: Considering how many easy means of informal communications there are now, Miss Manners is astonished at how often people want to use pseudo-formal cards for informal messages.

Your fiancee is right. By no stretch of the imagination can a save-the-date card serve as a referendum on the marriage. The time for people to congratulate you was when you informed them of your engagement.

Your idea risks condemning well-meaning people who rightly understand that the card is merely an alert that an invitation will be forthcoming, and that it requires no response until then. That is also the point at which people who don't approve of the marriage can decline, although Miss Manners cautions you that there can be many reasons that may prevent attendance by people who wish you well.

Leading people to expect to be invited -- and even to turn down other invitations for that date -- and then blackballing them for lack of enthusiasm is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one attends a historical lecture and discovers the lecturer's information is factually wrong on most points, is there a polite time and manner in which one might point out more appropriate research materials?

I am a newcomer to this group and do not wish to cause offense, but historical medicine is a hobby of mine, and it riles me to have an "expert" pass off fantasy as history.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed churlish to correct a speaker, but you can certainly ask for clarification. As in: "I was always led to believe that treating disease with hot cups to correct the balance of the humors was no longer considered effective. Is there new evidence to show that it is?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you wear hats when it's raining?

GENTLE READER: Sure, but they will get wet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone the significance of their tattoo(s)?

GENTLE READER: Only for ones you cannot see.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited five moms from my mothers group (call them casual friends) to my beautiful and stylish vacation condo. Before we left, there was the expectation that the guests would pay a cleaning fee to be divided between the five women.

I must admit that I was surprised that nobody offered to pay for my very inexpensive dinner the first night, or bring a bottle of wine. But I smiled and still had fun, as I am fortunate and do like the chance to get away with fun people.

The next day, one guest actually stated that she did not understand why the cleaning fee cost so much (it is high, but within industry standards). She said that she would rather clean on her own.

I told her that the place was perfect when she arrived and I deserved perfection when they left. I pointed out that every surface was gleaming and asked her if she was willing to work hard to get it back to that level. She dropped the subject, but the next day began her complaint process in front of the entire group.

One friend in private also tried to talk about the cleaning fee, and I politely told her that, yes, it seemed expensive, but that this was the price and I did not think it was fair that their "free" stay, which costs me money in heating, water, etc., should mean that I am left with a dirty vacation home.

Please know that I did have a great time with these ladies, but felt a bit taken for granted.

GENTLE READER: As, Miss Manners feels sure, do they.

You invited your friends to your vacation condo with the expectation that they would pay the cleaning fee. Did they know what that fee would be at the time? Is it reasonable to assume that they did not, and that, in fact, given that you yourself said it was expensive, that it might have been on the lower end of staying in a hotel or vacation rental of their own?

And then for the privilege of paying that, you also expected them to pay for your dinner? And if you went to a restaurant, how much of a mess could they have made?

So how exactly was this vacation free for them? Heating and water costs might be exorbitant, but seem to be literally the least you could provide.

But despite what Miss Manners considers to be minimal generosity on your part -- and unmatched outrage -- she still finds herself faulting your friends. They probably incorrectly assumed that a cleaning fee would be nominal and agreed to it without asking what it was. Had the particulars of this contract been made clear, Miss Manners feels certain that they would have graciously bowed out and offered to find another space. Or afforded you the opportunity to counter with the genuine generosity of which you now so strangely and proudly boast.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)