DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are preparing to celebrate my daughter's fourth birthday and are hosting her first party. We don't expect any gifts. The invitation is extended for them to come celebrate with us, no gifts expected.

Lately, on half the invitations we've received, there is a statement about "your presence is the only present required." But if we show up empty-handed, there still appears to be a pile of gifts, and we feel embarrassed. When there is no mention on the invite, people still seem to bring gifts.

Is it better to put the "no gifts" disclaimer on the invitation, or just say nothing and hope they know that it's not expected? It seems tacky to mention gifts, but might it appear that we expect them if nothing is said?

GENTLE READER: When you say that "we" do not expect any gifts, Miss Manners would be delighted, if surprised, to hear that the pronoun includes your daughter and not just you and your spouse.

Denying, convincingly, that your child is counting on a present, and yet showing enthusiastic gratitude when one arrives, is good manners, but it would require an emotional dexterity that challenges even adults. Although hypocrisy in the name of good manners can be a virtue, telling people on the invitation that a present is not expected at the birthday of a 4-year-old strains credulity beyond reason.

Better to omit any mention of presents, accept the gifts that do arrive with a smile, a thank-you -- and, of course, a subsequent thank-you card -- and put them away quickly, for later consumption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are cuss words, cuss words?

GENTLE READER: By general agreement, arising from usage, that certain words are offensive. Miss Manners is therefore puzzled that people who enjoy shocking others sprinkle them around so freely as to nullify their effectiveness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend of the family has passed away. He will be cremated with a memorial service in the future. I would like to do or give something to his widow, but I'm not sure what would be appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Gift-giving in connection with funerals has a long and troubled history, tied up as it unavoidably is with the feelings of the survivors. But death should not be automatically considered a fundraising opportunity.

Until recently, gifts tended to flow from the bereaved family to other mourners. Victorian widows provided mourning clothes to their servants, who were allowed to keep them, presumably because they already fit, and in the expectation that the staff might be affected by financial consequences resulting from the loss of family income. Modern widows sometimes give personal items belonging to the deceased to relatives and friends as tokens of remembrance.

Gifts to the principal mourner raise different issues. The desperate family whose source of support died may be discreetly helped by friends financially, although good taste precludes this from being preceded by active solicitations by the recipients.

Whether or not the loss was economic, death is inevitably a loss of company and companionship. Miss Manners therefore observes that unobtrusive but ongoing attention is often the most welcome present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a male member of a popular dating website. When I read the profile of someone I'd like to meet, I write them a personalized letter pointing out some of our common interests, adding a bit of levity where I can, suggesting we meet for coffee and conversation. These letters generally run from five to eight sentences. In other words, I've put some effort into it.

I rarely receive any response. Since we are both members of this group seeking the same goal -- companionship -- doesn't social etiquette require some acknowledgment of receipt and a response?

Even if there is no interest on their part, what is so difficult in responding, "Thank you for your interest. While I enjoyed reading your profile, I do not see us as a couple. Best of luck in your search"?

I think it's very rude to ignore someone's personal communication to you. Jane Austen would be aghast at the behavior of her gender in the 21st century!

GENTLE READER? Do you think so?

Could you be confusing her with Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who allows no room for context when she issues directives?

The Miss Austen that Miss Manners knows is uncannily alert to the subtleties in any social situation. She gave ample evidence of being familiar with the tendency of eligible ladies to put themselves forward, as well as that of eligible gentlemen to examine the field.

Still, there is a significant difference between an Assembly at Bath and a flier that is advertising goods to the general public. Online solicitations, where no response need be made if there is no interest, are equivalent to the latter.

Although your tactful wording could serve as a model for rejecting an acquaintance, there is really no charming way, other than silence, to express, "I can't imagine that it would be worth my while to meet you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I can't wrap my mind around those who find it acceptable to attempt to coerce their friends and family members into footing the bill for some unreasonable and ridiculous event that they have planned for themselves.

For instance, my brother was "invited" (if you can call it that) to his roommate/"friend's" wedding, which he would have had to pay $1,200 to attend -- in Mexico. My brother was to be one of the "best men" in the wedding, to top it off.

Oh, but the weirdest part is yet to come: This "friend" tracks my brother's finances via snooping and eavesdropping, and when my brother declined, citing a lack of funds, Adam said, "Well, what happened to the $( ) you got from selling your car?"

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I told my brother to not-so-politely tell Adam to stick the wedding invitation where the sun doesn't shine, move out as soon as humanly possible and distance himself from this person immediately.

GENTLE READER: How shocking of you. Miss Manners would have found a decent way of expressing that thought.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one interpret an invitation that states, "This is an adult-oriented event. Chaperoned children are welcome"?

GENTLE READER: "We really don't want children at the party, but if you bring them anyway, they'd better not be loud or break anything."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a birthday party for a 2-year-old. On the invitation was where the parents had the child registered for gifts.

I was under the impression that you register for a bridal shower or first baby shower. I thought this was quite rude to ask for gifts. I was not brought up this way. Am I wrong or were they?

GENTLE READER: All right, everyone, that's quite enough. Miss Manners is tired of being tactful about this. Stop it! (Not you, dear; she means the parents of this 2-year-old and anyone else who is contemplating the same.)

Registries are never proper, not for weddings, not for baby showers and not for birthdays. Not for christenings, bar mitzvahs, quinceaneras, sweet sixteens, graduations, engagements, coming out, announcing gender, changing gender, getting a job, losing a job, buying a house, divorcing, retiring or dying.

It is simply never polite to ask someone to buy you a present. Everyone is just going to have to go through life's milestones without the explicit intention of reaping material rewards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation from a girl I was close friends with in junior high. My issue is that I'm transgender, and they know this, but they addressed the invitation to my former name.

For this wedding, you are supposed to RSVP online. I don't want to be rude by not responding, but I simply cannot select my old name on their website, not only in terms of the emotional cost, but in principle as well because I have come too far to take that step backward.

We live in a small town, so we occasionally run into each other or family members, but it's been years since we've been close, so I don't have her contact information anymore to reach out in person and let her know I won't be able to attend.

Should I just forget about it, or try to contact her through a family member? I won't feel too guilty, since she was the one impolite enough to use a name that doesn't belong to me anymore, but still, I'd rather take the high road. I just don't know which way that is.

GENTLE READER: Do try to procure her contact information. Write her a short, kind note saying that you appreciate the invitation, but that you are unable to attend. And sign your current name.

While your friend may be aware of the change and should have respected it, it is possible that she also just did not know how to reconcile your new life with the friend she knew in junior high. Or that she had an old list. Anyone who changes a name, or even just tries to drop a childhood nickname, finds that it takes time.

So give her the benefit of the doubt and, as you said, take the high road. While it may be tedious to presume misguided, rather than purposeful, ignorance, it will likely do much more to educate this girl and her family than not. Miss Manners feels certain that if the girl cannot figure out from whom the note came, she will quickly take pains to do so -- and likely not make the mistake of using the wrong name again.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)