Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I’m expecting guests, I will keep one eye out my window to watch for their arrival. When their car pulls into my driveway, I will open my door for them and greet them on the stoop, or if they have items to bring in, I will meet them at their vehicle to lend a hand.

Unfortunately, I don’t often receive the same courtesy when I visit others. Many times, I have been left standing on a front porch for what seems like long periods of time after having rung the doorbell, hearing sounds of life from inside but no urgency to let me in.

Am I expecting too much to be greeted at the door before the bell is even rung?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Yes, you are.

It is one thing to be ready for your guests near to their appointed arrival time. But quite another to cease all activity long before it -- and to be peering out the door, ready to pounce before they do. Particularly, since not all guests are as prompt as Miss Manners can only assume you must be.

If it is truly taking an inordinate amount of time for your hosts to come to their door, then you may say politely, “Oh dear. Am I early?” when they finally do. But only if you can manage to say it without an accusatory edge.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 33 years and I have separated, although not legally. I have not seen him for 18 months. This is my choice. (Actually, I was heartbroken.)

His mother has expressed to our grown children that she would like to see me again. I have reason to suspect that this is motivated by curiosity and the possibility of future gossip. This sort of thing seems to make her feel important.

I always treated her with the respect that my husband demonstrated for her, despite his occasional disappointments in her as a mother.

Must I see her? Must I respond? Obviously, I’m hoping that I needn’t. But I realize this is likely a purely selfish response.

Of importance to me, of course, is that I not add to our grown children’s discomfort. But, life being as it is, is that rightfully my responsibility in this matter?

GENTLE READER: Not to make your children uncomfortable? On the contrary, Miss Manners thought that that was every parent’s right and privilege.

However, if you wish to relieve your children of the burden of being in the middle, tell them to ask your former mother-in-law to contact you directly. Then, based on any ensuing invitations, you can suss out whether or not you want to actually meet up with her. This should not only get your children off the hook, but also be a critical first step in thwarting her if, indeed, her true intention was just to stir up trouble.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you have dinner guests, must you offer a full bar or no bar at all? We don’t typically have anything on hand but martini fixings and scotch, but we do stock beer and wine for guests.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette, being more interested in the “how” than the “what,” concentrates on serving the drinks rather than mixing them.

What you serve -- if you serve any alcohol at all -- is up to you. Miss Manners does require that if you hide the good wine from undiscriminating palates, then the discriminating palates (including the host’s) will have to settle as well. And requests for nonalcoholic beverages should be honored without argument or inquiry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy giving my friends and family tickets for concerts, plays or sporting events, and everyone seems to enjoy them.

However, it seems that there is an unspoken rule that gifts of tickets must be given in multiples. Many people have an issue attending an event by themselves, and if you give them a single ticket, you may be setting them up for an uncomfortable experience.

Therefore I always give tickets in pairs. However, the last time I did this, the recipient thought that I was implying that he had to invite me as his guest. I didn’t mean anything like that! I told him that while I would enjoy going with him, he wasn’t obligated to invite me and could invite whoever he wanted.

On yet another occasion, my brother gave me six tickets to a play for my birthday. While I appreciated his generosity, I had a hard time finding five people who were available to come, and it caused a lot of stress. My brother himself was unavailable to attend, which made the situation even worse.

How many tickets are appropriate? If you give multiple tickets, does it obligate the recipient to invite the giver? And is the giver obligated to make themselves available, in the event that they are invited?

GENTLE READER: In the absence of specific knowledge, tickets should be given in pairs, and acknowledged, like all gifts, with a thank-you letter. There is no obligation for the recipient to reciprocate immediately or in kind -- in other words, to give the second ticket back to the giver.

Before Miss Manners is inundated with letters pointing out that this will be hurtful to the person without a significant other -- or with not just a significant other, but significant friends and children -- allow her to explain.

One of etiquette’s virtues is that by establishing rules -- sometimes arbitrary ones -- it manages expectations. A pair of tickets is the most likely to be useful without being inconvenient -- surely reasonable goals for a present. But such rules are intended to be modified by “local knowledge”: There is no ban on providing enough tickets for the family to attend a family show.

The recipients should realize that had you expected to be included, you would have asked them to attend as your guests, rather than handed over the tickets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In one of your responses, you refer to “unauthorized people who make up their own etiquette rules.”

As with spelling, grammar and a host of other culture-related items, is not etiquette always dynamic, changing over time?

Whom do you believe is “authorized”?

GENTLE READER: You are addressing her.

It is exactly because etiquette evolves that Miss Manners has to act as the impartial judge of which are legitimate changes and which are not. From long experience, she knows that a declaration that something is “no longer expected” -- typically answering invitations or writing thanks -- simply represents a refusal to comply with the legitimate expectations of others.

Someone has to speak up for those who are nevertheless expected to be generous and hospitable -- but without acknowledgment or even simple cooperation.

It’s a tough job, and Miss Manners would welcome legitimate help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My vintage home is currently for sale. I’ve done a lot of restoration work on it, but some remains.

This morning I heard voices in front and thought it might be potential buyers. I happened to be in the attic, so I went to a window to observe.

What I saw was a couple with a dog that had just urinated in my front yard. The woman then handed the leash to the man, and proceeded to strip a handful of berries from one of my shrubs.

I tapped on the window. The woman looked up, said “Hi,” and then made some grumbling remarks about not being able to take the berries, tossing in an insulting remark about the condition of my home as she walked off.

Am I wrong for being a bit upset about this? I did not yell, threaten or make gestures. Just two taps on the window. If she thinks my home looks bad now, imagine the condition if everyone did what they did.

GENTLE READER: Upset? Miss Manners would think you would be overjoyed at the prospect of moving out of the neighborhood.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a year, a couple from out of state calls to let my husband and me know that they will be visiting our town and would like to stay with us for a night or two. These are not close friends, and we have no desire to visit them in their state.

They usually show up with a bottle of wine and a token hostess gift. We clean the house thoroughly before they come and usually end up spending a couple hundred dollars at the grocery store for all of the meals we’re expected to provide.

We feel used, but we don’t know how to suggest that they stay in a hotel without being rude. Do you have any advice?

GENTLE READER: That you should learn to say no, or your house will be overrun with solvent squatters. The trick is not to offer any excuse: “I’m so sorry, but we won’t be able to have you here.” Should they be so audacious as to demand why, Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m afraid it’s just not convenient.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)