Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I pick my friend up from work every night, which I normally do alone. My brother also works there, so normally they fight over who rides shotgun, which I let them figure out on their own.

She usually takes front, because she makes such a big deal about it. My brother just gives up.

Well, tonight my husband also rode with me, and we stopped long enough to get out and talk to a few mutual friends. When getting back into my car, my friend claims shotgun by getting in the passenger seat.

My husband was the one driving at that point, so I told her to move. She made a big fuss, so I just sat in the backseat of my own car while she and my husband sat up front. Was she in the wrong or am I just overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Since everyone (except you) is behaving like this is the elementary school carpool, Miss Manners authorizes you to treat them accordingly. Next time a fight breaks out, explain that you are tired of listening to the argument and as the adult in the car, you are now laying down the rules: Your brother gets odd days and your friend gets even days. Your husband will have to take his chances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding, if various toasts are being offered to the newlywed couple, is it appropriate for only the head table (wedding party) to toast with champagne, while the rest of the guests are offered beer or wine?

This does not seem appropriate to me, but I am only the father of the groom. We are willing to cover the cost of the champagne.

GENTLE READER: This is not a charming trend -- or even a polite one. The most common justification for such rudeness is the cost, but if this were an issue, toasts can be made without champagne.

Miss Manners is impervious to the argument that the champagne need not be shared because it is part of the ritual, not the meal. Church basements are filled with sacramental wine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited by another couple to see a play with them. They purchased our tickets, for over a hundred dollars, and we reimbursed them.

I learned afterwards that they had received their tickets completely free as a promotion. So I was a bit upset that they never told us that they had received free tickets, and expected us to pay full price. It made us feel used.

Should they have told us before we accepted the invitation that they had free tickets but we would have to pay full price? If I had known, I would never have gone. Should they have split the costs with us?

GENTLE READER: Not sharing their good fortune was not, strictly speaking, rude, but Miss Manners considers their behavior neither kind nor charming. At the very least, they should not have entangled themselves in the financial transactions, and instead suggested that you two buy your own tickets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let’s say you say something critical or unkind in confidence about a third person, and the comment gets back to them. What do you say, or how do you apologize if both of you know you meant it?

GENTLE READER: Before pronouncing sentence, Miss Manners is old-fashioned enough to wish to know if a crime was actually committed.

It is not impolite to think ill of another person: Etiquette deals in actions, not thoughts. Nor is it impolite to express your opinion to a friend or relation who is presumed to be like-minded -- although your judgment on that point was evidently mistaken.

Insulting someone to his or her face is a different matter. Your unwanted go-between has now left you with two unpleasant options: validating the insult in person or lying about what was said.

Miss Manners does not share the common belief that truth annuls all sins committed in its name. If you are willing to own the statement and apologize for it, you are to be applauded. But you should not be booed if you plead ignorance of the exchange and run for the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be attending the wedding of the son of a close friend. The wedding ceremony will be at 6 p.m. with a reception to follow. While the invitation does not say “black tie,” I have just found out from the mother of the groom that the bride is expecting wedding guests to wear long dresses/tuxedos.

When I mentioned that the invitation does not mention a dress code, the mother of the groom said, “The bride assumes that everyone will know that a 6 p.m. wedding is a formal event and dress accordingly.”

The wedding is out of state with a two-day hotel stay required in a fairly pricey city. We were not planning on purchasing/renting formal attire. If the bride wanted a “black tie” event, shouldn’t the invitation have communicated that? Will we be in error if we do not dress formally?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners agrees that it is reasonable to assume that a wedding is a formal occasion, she has also noticed that brides who make too many unwarranted assumptions about their future life are more likely to come to a bad end.

Here, her assumptions about tradition are lacking. When formality was taken for granted, it meant white tie and tails, not black tie. To wear a dark suit, rather than a dinner jacket, should be acceptable. As the other guests may have even less information than yourself about the bride’s expectations, that may even be the safer course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I threw a birthday celebration for a friend who is now asking me how much it cost, because this person wants to do the same thing for themselves this year. Is this an appropriate question? I do not want to answer, as I think it is rude.

GENTLE READER: Do you even remember how much it was? This is a leading question, as Miss Manners notes that if you have understandably forgotten, it will be easier to deflect your friend’s rudeness without making any accusations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of the non-apologies frequently offered by prominent figures when they are caught having done something illegal or immoral? I mean such statements as, “I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said/did ...” instead of “I’m sorry that I said/did ...”

GENTLE READER: That they don’t realize that the public is on to this trick.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son got married about a month ago. In speaking to him today, he asked if we had sent a wedding gift. To provide detail, my husband and I paid for 99 percent of the entire wedding, based on the bride’s parents being unable to do so. We happily did this without reservation. The cost of the wedding was over $65,000. Further, we happily paid for their honeymoon, and they enjoyed a wonderful trip to Italy.

This coupled with bridal shower, rehearsal dinner and even the engagement ring. I felt we went above and beyond, and therefore we did not give them an additional wedding gift. I’m feeling somewhat puzzled on their question, as they are well aware of what we have done to give them a great wedding and honeymoon.

My husband and I are both somewhat hurt and definitely frustrated! What am I missing?

GENTLE READER: What has your son missed? Economic responsibility? Respect for his parents? Gratitude? Shame at begging? Basic manners?

Whether you tried to teach him these essentials of civilization, Miss Manners does not know. In any case, it is a bit late now. Unless you are willing to encourage attempts to fleece you, she suggests a firm and dignified refusal: “We felt that we did what we could for you, and we’re sorry if you feel that is not enough.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I held a Thanksgiving dinner for friends and family last week, and the event was done at significant personal expense. Not including time spent cooking, this was quite an orchestration.

My mother told me that I need to thank everyone who came to the dinner, but shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Spending several hundred dollars on cheese, wine, turkey, desserts and other necessary food items, and all the while trying to be a good host, makes me think that I ought to be the one receiving thanks. Beyond the formality of thanking guests as they depart, what should I be doing?

GENTLE READER: The reason that hosts sometimes thank guests at the door is, Miss Manners suspects, because a mere “You’re welcome” strikes them as awkward. Any more formal thanks would strike the recipient as an unsubtle prompt -- as when wedding hosts write to thank guests who they have noticed did not yet send presents.

But she would like to point out that the reason your friends owe you thanks is for your hospitality, not for your expense or even your labor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, I often get confused on which water cup is mine.

GENTLE READER: The one on your right. Failing that, Miss Manners recommends the one that your dinner partner is not drinking from.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)