DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is retiring after 40 years with the same company. The same month, he is turning 70 and we will be celebrating our 45th anniversary. We would like to host a party for friends and family to celebrate with us with a catered dinner, music and dancing. The people we would like to invite include friends from church, our dance friends and company people he has worked with for many years.

Our dilemma is that we do not know how to word an invitation, so that people will understand that we simply want them to come and party with us. We are not even sure that anyone would come without knowing the reason for the party, and yet we don’t think it’s necessary to state the cause for the celebration.

Are we going about this all wrong? Can we host a (wedding) reception-like party and convey, in the correct way, that we would love celebrating with friends and family just because we are happy to do so?

GENTLE READER: You do not give your friends much credit, do you? You doubt that they would want to socialize with you without having a specific reason to do so?

On the contrary, Miss Manners is certain that they will likely be grateful and relieved that they do not have to feel an obligation to buy presents -- for no fewer than three separate occasions.

Issue an invitation to the party and show its degree of festivity and formality by sending hand-written invitations and using formal language. “Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Many Milestones request the pleasure of your company at Venue on Saturday the 8th of Month at Time.” Please no registry, charity or gift information of any kind. No, not even “no gifts.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative who is going to try his hardest to come to our wedding from out-of-state. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently using a feeding tube.

He is hoping to be off the feeding tube come wedding time, but if not, what can I do to make him feel not so left out while other people are enjoying their entrees? I already asked his daughter if there was any kind of special course that would be needed, so I can ask if the venue would be willing to prepare it, but she mentioned if he was still on the feeding tube they would bring what he needs.

I want him to be able to forget his diagnosis for at least one night, but that might not be so easy if he’s not able to eat while others can. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Surely, even if there is a last-minute decision to attend, your relative and his daughter will have thought of how to manage his basic needs, including feeding him. Miss Manners commends your desire to make this man comfortable, but warns you to leave the particulars of how best to do that to the ones who are most often around him. Likely, all you can do is ask where to seat him comfortably during the ceremony and after -- and how else you may best accommodate the situation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I pick my friend up from work every night, which I normally do alone. My brother also works there, so normally they fight over who rides shotgun, which I let them figure out on their own.

She usually takes front, because she makes such a big deal about it. My brother just gives up.

Well, tonight my husband also rode with me, and we stopped long enough to get out and talk to a few mutual friends. When getting back into my car, my friend claims shotgun by getting in the passenger seat.

My husband was the one driving at that point, so I told her to move. She made a big fuss, so I just sat in the backseat of my own car while she and my husband sat up front. Was she in the wrong or am I just overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Since everyone (except you) is behaving like this is the elementary school carpool, Miss Manners authorizes you to treat them accordingly. Next time a fight breaks out, explain that you are tired of listening to the argument and as the adult in the car, you are now laying down the rules: Your brother gets odd days and your friend gets even days. Your husband will have to take his chances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding, if various toasts are being offered to the newlywed couple, is it appropriate for only the head table (wedding party) to toast with champagne, while the rest of the guests are offered beer or wine?

This does not seem appropriate to me, but I am only the father of the groom. We are willing to cover the cost of the champagne.

GENTLE READER: This is not a charming trend -- or even a polite one. The most common justification for such rudeness is the cost, but if this were an issue, toasts can be made without champagne.

Miss Manners is impervious to the argument that the champagne need not be shared because it is part of the ritual, not the meal. Church basements are filled with sacramental wine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited by another couple to see a play with them. They purchased our tickets, for over a hundred dollars, and we reimbursed them.

I learned afterwards that they had received their tickets completely free as a promotion. So I was a bit upset that they never told us that they had received free tickets, and expected us to pay full price. It made us feel used.

Should they have told us before we accepted the invitation that they had free tickets but we would have to pay full price? If I had known, I would never have gone. Should they have split the costs with us?

GENTLE READER: Not sharing their good fortune was not, strictly speaking, rude, but Miss Manners considers their behavior neither kind nor charming. At the very least, they should not have entangled themselves in the financial transactions, and instead suggested that you two buy your own tickets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let’s say you say something critical or unkind in confidence about a third person, and the comment gets back to them. What do you say, or how do you apologize if both of you know you meant it?

GENTLE READER: Before pronouncing sentence, Miss Manners is old-fashioned enough to wish to know if a crime was actually committed.

It is not impolite to think ill of another person: Etiquette deals in actions, not thoughts. Nor is it impolite to express your opinion to a friend or relation who is presumed to be like-minded -- although your judgment on that point was evidently mistaken.

Insulting someone to his or her face is a different matter. Your unwanted go-between has now left you with two unpleasant options: validating the insult in person or lying about what was said.

Miss Manners does not share the common belief that truth annuls all sins committed in its name. If you are willing to own the statement and apologize for it, you are to be applauded. But you should not be booed if you plead ignorance of the exchange and run for the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be attending the wedding of the son of a close friend. The wedding ceremony will be at 6 p.m. with a reception to follow. While the invitation does not say “black tie,” I have just found out from the mother of the groom that the bride is expecting wedding guests to wear long dresses/tuxedos.

When I mentioned that the invitation does not mention a dress code, the mother of the groom said, “The bride assumes that everyone will know that a 6 p.m. wedding is a formal event and dress accordingly.”

The wedding is out of state with a two-day hotel stay required in a fairly pricey city. We were not planning on purchasing/renting formal attire. If the bride wanted a “black tie” event, shouldn’t the invitation have communicated that? Will we be in error if we do not dress formally?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners agrees that it is reasonable to assume that a wedding is a formal occasion, she has also noticed that brides who make too many unwarranted assumptions about their future life are more likely to come to a bad end.

Here, her assumptions about tradition are lacking. When formality was taken for granted, it meant white tie and tails, not black tie. To wear a dark suit, rather than a dinner jacket, should be acceptable. As the other guests may have even less information than yourself about the bride’s expectations, that may even be the safer course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I threw a birthday celebration for a friend who is now asking me how much it cost, because this person wants to do the same thing for themselves this year. Is this an appropriate question? I do not want to answer, as I think it is rude.

GENTLE READER: Do you even remember how much it was? This is a leading question, as Miss Manners notes that if you have understandably forgotten, it will be easier to deflect your friend’s rudeness without making any accusations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)