Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When saying hello and goodbye to my friends, I often give them a quick hug. If my friend is with someone else that I do not know well, I would feel awkward giving that person a hug, too.

In that case, is it better to not hug anybody, so that I don’t treat people unequally?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not require one to parcel out one’s affections equally, and, Miss Manners hastens to add, social systems that lack a sense of humor -- morality, for example -- actively object to doing so.

The acquaintance merits no more than a handshake, while the friend can be greeted with a handshake or hug as circumstances and inclinations permit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year, after the busiest time in our fairly small professional office, the partners give me (the office manager) a pretty substantial cash gift. I feel that I should write a thank-you note at least, to let them know that I appreciate it.

However, every example of a thank-you note that I can find indicates that I should mention what I plan on using the cash for. I don’t feel that it’s appropriate to tell the people that I work with that I plan to use it for groceries, or to pay off my car loan.

GENTLE READER: Staunch promoter of thank-you notes though she is, Miss Manners uses a different word to describe a cash payment in a professional setting, as opposed to a present given socially.

It is called a salary or, in your case, a bonus. No thank-you note is generally required, but because of the small size of the office and the bonus’s not being automatic or calculated according to previously articulated rules, you may want to send a short, handwritten note.

But unless you have reason to make the point that you need this money for groceries, you should simply express your gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I respond when people get too curious about why I have a licensed service dog? Too often, I’ll have someone ask exactly what she is trained to do for me. Being a licensed health care professional myself, I usually simply respond, “She was trained for me.”

When they become even more persistent, I usually say, “Are you asking what medical disability I have?” What is a polite comeback rather than saying, “My medical information is federally protected by HIPAA, and you cannot ask about my medical history”?

GENTLE READER: A question about why the person wants to know will be taken as an invitation. And if you make a legal argument, you will inevitably run into a nosy lawyer who is happy to debate whether medical privacy laws apply to private individuals as well as health care providers.

If your questioner fails to stop when you reasonably say that the dog was trained for you, Miss Manners recommends an unambiguous follow-up: that neither you nor your dog cares to discuss it. This may lead to an unpleasant pause, but the rudeness will not be yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have addressed the situation of invitations where money is solicited to pay for an event that people thought they were being invited to for free. I have the opposite problem.

Every year, my organization sponsors a fundraising dinner. I purchase a table and then invite people I know to attend -- not by purchasing tickets themselves, but as my guests, sitting at my sponsored table.

I have been sending out printed invitations saying, “Mr. and Mrs. (our name) request the pleasure of your company at ...” Although that wording should make it clear that they are being invited as guests, several invitees decline; I find out later that it was because they thought I wanted them to purchase tickets.

The names of the organization and the event leave no doubt but that it is a fundraiser. So how does one word the invitation to make it clear that the guest is invited as just that?

It seems rather crass and insulting to my potential guests to put something like “This is an invitation, not a solicitation to purchase a ticket” on a formal, or even informal, invitation. Should I say something like, “We request the pleasure of your company as our guests”?

GENTLE READER: The problem, Miss Manners suspects, is that charities use the same apparently hospitable wording. They request “the pleasure of your company,” and slip in a little card saying -- surprise! -- that they also expect the pleasure of your money.

Your friends are unfortunately assuming that you are up to the same little trick. So it would be better if you did not mimic the charity’s invitation. You could write “Please come as our guests” on a card with your formal names, or, less formally, say that in a brief letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I disagree about who should announce “hello” when someone comes into the house.

Should the person who comes in the door call out a greeting such as “Hello” or “I’m home”? Or should the people already in the house call out “Hello” when they hear someone?

Or, is it OK for neither to happen, and for all to wait until they actually see each other in the same room, which could be a long time if everyone is just going about their own business?

GENTLE READER: The time-honored exchange is “Honey, I’m home!” and “Is that you?”, each called out at the same moment.

So Miss Manners does not consider this a question of precedence. The object is to prevent the person who is arriving from thinking that the spouse has absconded and the house is empty, and the person remaining at home from thinking that there is a housebreaker afoot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is personally delivering an invitation, wedding or otherwise, socially acceptable?

GENTLE READER: It was traditionally considered preferable to avoid the post by sending a footman, as Miss Manners recalls. If you do not happen to have a footman, you may use your own feet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a southern, tropical state. Though it is delightful and calm for most of the year (hence the tourists in the winter), we have a “hurricane season” that lasts six months, during which we prepare for possible bad weather.

Last season, my family and I survived a severe hurricane that badly damaged many parts of the area. Luckily, we were only slightly affected, the biggest problem being that we were without electricity for nearly a week. We were very thankful that we were spared, but nonetheless, it was a scary and anxious time for all of us.

During the recovery period, we heard from friends and acquaintances, including those from social media, who live in other areas of the country, most of whom were supportive. However, a few lacked any concern or sympathy for what we’d been through, jokingly implying, “What do you expect for living in that part of the country?”

The remarks were as hurtful as they were insensitive. Surely, we’re not the only ones who live in areas prone to weather-related problems, as there are many parts of the country that must worry about earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, fires and the like. We are well aware of the risks of living where we do, but that does not lessen the impact of a catastrophe upon our lives when it strikes, or the hurt from others’ lack of empathy.

How do we politely respond to those who not only make fun of where we live, but use a stressful time to imply that we should be accustomed to disaster?

GENTLE READER: “We appreciate your concern. We were comparatively lucky, and are heartbroken, as you must be, at the suffering of so many others. We certainly hope that Nature will spare you the tragedies and catastrophes that so many have experienced, here and elsewhere.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My problem when talking with some people is that when I’m asked a question, the person asking does not give me time to answer it.

I do not stall or delay to answer; I open my mouth to speak, but before I can, the person who initially asked the question proceeds to either supply the answer by guessing several options, or just continues on the topic wondering “why such-and-such is so.” All this while I say nothing, because it is impolite to speak when another is speaking.

When she finally takes a breath, and I can say something, what is a polite way of saying, “If you would stop talking, I could fill you in on all the details”? Or would you have me do something other than respond at all?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, Miss Manners has met those people. And noticed that when they guess the answer to their own questions, they are always wrong.

Her solution is to remain silent, with a politely expectant smile on her face, while they stumble along. Eventually, they come to a stop, and -- here is the difficult part -- the silence, along with the smile, must be maintained.

They then realize that they have held an entire conversation with themselves, and are forced to restate the original question in order to get things going again. And this time, they tend to let you answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)