Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s family was not trained in etiquette as mine was, which I can understand. However, to me, much of their behavior crosses the line as rude and inconsiderate.

My mother-in-law passed away earlier this year, and was occasionally rude at family dinners that I hosted, but I felt that she genuinely cared about me, and I overlooked her behavior as ignorance.

My husband’s sister, on the other hand, is rude and inconsiderate, and thinly veils her contempt for me. She waits until late afternoon on the day of a dinner to ask if she can bring anything, knowing that I will have planned and prepared everything by then. She doesn’t lift a finger to help out, points at dishes and asks “What is that?,” makes statements like “It’s 7:30, shouldn’t we eat now?” (when she has not prepared one part of the meal), and I have caught her making a look of disgust at me when I looked up from my meal.

On other occasions, she shows up early and asks if I have “anything to munch on” or “anything sweet.” She wanders around the house to see if I’ve changed anything or look at what I’ve done, etc., bringing along her adult daughters or whoever else may be with her. I can’t take being angry and hurt anymore.

GENTLE READER: Since you managed to indulge your mother-in-law’s idiosyncrasies, perhaps you can do the same for your sister-in-law -- particularly if your husband is not going to help.

In the meantime, Miss Manners suggests that you try saying in your sweetest tone, “Oh, dear. I never seem to be able to please you. I will just have to observe how you do things the next time we have dinner at your house.” This will either force her to be the host next time or concede that it will not happen -- so that she had better appreciate what she has here.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a guest at an upcoming wedding. Due to health issues, I MUST eat low-sodium. The bride, groom and mother of the groom all know this.

The mother of the groom just told me what the main dish is. It will consist of nearly four meals’ worth of sodium. Just for the entree.

Normally, at a restaurant, I eat half and box half for tomorrow’s lunch. I worry that a wedding is different. I don’t go to very many, and I am less than six months into the new dietary restriction.

Is it allowed to box up leftovers to enjoy at a later date?

Also, can I get away with not wearing hose with my shoes?

GENTLE READER: No and yes. A wedding is different from a restaurant in that it is an extension of the hosts’ home. Leftovers should certainly not be expected to be part of the deal.

Eat what you can and leave the rest on your plate, ensuring beforehand that you are well fortified before attending the event. For your trouble, Miss Manners will be lenient about not wearing stockings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I, like many others I know, wear a step tracker. This makes me quite prone to pacing whenever I must wait for something.

The situation I often find myself in is trivial, but still awkward for me. I will often walk up to a door, with the intent to pivot and pace back in the other direction. But when someone else is there and going in or out the same door, they attempt to hold the door open for me.

At that point, I have to explain to them that I’m pacing or “getting in my steps.” Most times, it ends up being an awkward conversation and embarrasses me. Is there a better way to handle this, and is my pacing rude in any way?

GENTLE READER: Pacing can demonstrate impatience, so Miss Manners suggests you consider the context before commencing.

Unless you are dissatisfied with the wait time, avoid pacing in front of the check-in desk at the doctor’s office. The impression of frustration can be mitigated with a thoughtful -- or goofy -- face in preference to intense concentration. Since pacing is the opposite of intentional travel, open doors should be easy enough to avoid -- or pass through before the next lap.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I met with the venue staff to discuss our wedding plans, we asked that only beer and wine be served to avoid sloppy drunkenness among our guests. They agreed, but after the wedding we learned that while beer and wine were served and billed to us, guests were also given the option to purchase other drinks. (There wasn’t a price list or a menu or anything, we just heard about it from a guest.)

I feel awful, as we had no intention of asking our guests to pay for their own drinks. We wanted no hard liquor served because we wanted no hard liquor at our wedding, not because we didn’t want to pay for it.

We won’t be planning another wedding, but could we have avoided this? Is “beer and wine only” typically interpreted as “we’ll pay for beer and wine only”? Should we apologize to our guests?

GENTLE READER: From her distant perch, Miss Manners can only speculate about whether the venue’s mistake was innocent. It may have found the idea that you wished to charge your guests for liquor more comprehensible than that you did not intend to provide a full-service bar. Or they may have understood your wishes, but felt confident they could ignore those wishes and improve their income-earning potential.

Certainly you may express your displeasure with the vendor, if you felt you were clear. And if you do not feel that a complaint is sufficient, you can ask that they refund all the charges to your guests and charge you instead.

Drastic (and expensive) as that may be, it will make the point: No caterer is going to be enthusiastic about going through piles of receipts to void old transactions. As it would be difficult to work a humorous apology into your thank-you letters, an apology when next you speak will suffice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My faith is central to who I am and my life. Those who know me know this about me, as does my new neighbor, who is aware that I am careful about what I bring into my home.

When she went on a trip, she was kind enough to bring a souvenir back for me. It was quite thoughtful and I was touched. The gift was a small item that came wrapped with a magnet statuette of a local deity attached to the packaging. I thanked her immediately and told her I would enjoy using the item, deliberately omitting the fact that I would not be able to keep the magnet portion of the gift.

To my chagrin, she responded by saying that she hoped that it wasn’t a problem with the magnet statuette, and that everything in this place she had visited seemed to reference deities of one sort or another.

I responded that I loved the item, but that I would not be able to keep the statuette, at which point she offered to keep it in her apartment.

How could I have handled this better? Is there a way to graciously refuse a gift? For me, it is not an option to possess items linked with other faith traditions. Nor is there an option to lie.

GENTLE READER: Your reaction -- to express gratitude for the gift, and avoid an explanation that was both unnecessary and might be taken as criticism or ingratitude -- was not lying; it was compassion and good neighborliness.

That your neighbor did not know to quit when she was ahead is no reason to abandon your approach. In fact, Miss Manners wonders if the donor only realized the problem with the magnet as she was speaking.

A simple, repeated assurance of your gratitude might have stopped further, awkward attempts to smooth over a dawning fear that instead of doing something kind she might have inadvertently offended you. Not all train wrecks can be avoided, but there is no reason to contribute to the derailment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very close relative is dying and plans to leave each of my children a five-figure dollar inheritance. At this point, I have not told any of the children. Should I tell them and urge them to write a thank-you note to the relative before she passes away, or should I just wait? I thanked her, of course, when she told me of her intentions.

GENTLE READER: Your desire to issue a thank-you note before it is too late is laudable, but expressing gratitude for future gifts is tricky -- particularly when doing so may imply ambivalence about the necessary prerequisite.

You were right to thank your relative yourself, and while Miss Manners does not object to your telling your children about the inheritance if you wish, she urges you to encourage them to continue the love and attention they devote to the relative -- punctuated by the reality that the time in which to do so is limited.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)