Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in charge of our duplicate bridge group: making annual schedules, scoring the score sheets, planning the annual luncheon, distributing prizes, etc. At the luncheon for the two years I have been in charge, the ladies have given me a gift.

The first year, it was a thank-you card with a gift card to a restaurant enclosed. The second year, it was a thank-you card with cash enclosed.

These gifts make me feel more like an employee than a peer. In part, this is because I play bridge with many of these ladies at a country club once a week, and at Christmas, they give a Christmas card with cash enclosed to the lady who waits on us.

Am I wrong to feel that way? I am happy to do the tasks and do not think a gift is warranted.

GENTLE READER: The challenge is in how to convey your feelings without offense to people who likely meant to express gratitude, not servitude.

Miss Manners recommends explaining to the group that while you appreciate the sentiment, you do it for the love of the game and do not expect anything in return. The criticism will be both heightened and softened when you then break out the bridge supplies you have purchased for the group with the cash.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw a lot of dinner parties. When guests walk in, I always offer them a beverage, and make sure that a bottle of wine is always open throughout the night.

I never pour anyone a second drink. Some people are driving, some people are breastfeeding, some people might only want one glass of wine. I personally do not like to be asked repeatedly if I want more wine or have someone top off my glass if I do not want any more.

I thought this was fine, but the other night, a friend made a comment about it.

GENTLE READER: One should not refill a glass without permission, but serving is part of the function of a host.

Miss Manners has good news, however: A private party is not a restaurant. The pace of refill offers need not exactly keep pace with the level of each glass, and can taper off as the evening progresses. The person who is breastfeeding for the first offer (though not, perhaps, just at the moment) can be assumed to be doing so for the rest of the evening, as can the guest who declines for other reasons, medical or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The bride is insisting on men’s wearing tuxes to a daytime wedding, even those not in the wedding party.

Being a good guest is the most important thing to us. Does this mean we guests should follow her wishes? If some of us cannot afford the rental, should we simply decline the invitation, or could we properly wear a suit?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners does not give anyone license to misbehave, in the hierarchy of hospitality, being a good host is an even sterner duty than being a good guest.

The hostess -- and by extension, the bride, even if she is not technically the hostess -- is expected to concern herself about the feelings of the guests, accepting in return their presence, good wishes and good behavior. A dark suit is acceptable at black-tie events, and also at functions where black-tie would be inappropriate -- such as daytime weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One thing I love about my husband is that he loves people. He and a few of the men at our church usually refer to their wives as “Mama” when talking about us: “Oh, Mama’s hungry; you better go feed her.” “You better check with Mama first,” etc.

Because we are a very close group of friends, it doesn’t bother me. My husband also tends to call other women Mamas as a term of endearment, but for the women who have been in his life a long time and the women in the family, I don’t mind.

But it really bothered me when we went to lunch and he said it to a complete stranger, our waitress, as he thanked her for simply doing her job. Immediately he looked at me to see how I would react. I played it off as if I didn’t hear or it didn’t bother me by not acknowledging it.

He typically doesn’t do this in front of me to complete strangers, but now I feel he does it when I’m not around. Do you think I’m wrong to be bothered by this?

GENTLE READER: Has he considered that the ladies he so addresses might be bothered by this? If he loves people, surely he wouldn’t want to offend any.

True, many probably accept it as a kindly meant colloquialism. Some might consider it patronizing. But one day he is going to say “Mama” to a stranger who has suffered a miscarriage, who will burst into tears.

It will be difficult to curb this, but Miss Manners suggests saying lovingly that you regard it as an intimate term of endearment, and hope he will keep it in the family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are part of a group of about 20 who have been invited to the same home, by the same host and hostess, for a New Year’s Eve dinner and celebration for about 40 years. Good friends, good food and great stories. There are occasional neighbors or newer friends of the hosting couple, but the core is the old crowd from our childhood and their spouses.

Now one of the crowd called and said that they felt that each of us should bring the hostess a small gift to show appreciation for all the years of her having us to their home. I was a bit taken back, as we are all so close and entertain each other at our own homes a few times a year, although the New Year’s party is this couple’s only group gathering.

Knowing them as I do, they will be embarrassed, if not upset, with the gifts. We will go along, but only with a donation to a very needy charitable organization.

GENTLE READER: But why will you go along with something you feel will embarrass your friends?

You are old friends of the others, and should have felt obligated to tell them that their well-meant gesture was likely to have an effect opposite to their intention. Miss Manners is afraid that people often shut down their judgment when generosity is suggested, for fear of looking cheap.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to dance, and take classes three times a week. We learn new dances and also repeat old ones. There is a woman in one class who just stands still and gets in the way when we move around; it is impossible to keep up when someone keeps blocking one’s way.

It was so bad during the last class that I had to keep stopping to avoid running into her, which was very annoying, so I moved to the other side of the room. To my chagrin, she followed me to the other side of the room and continued to block my way!

When I complained to another dancer afterward, he told me that this woman can only see shadows, and that she was staying close to me to try and follow what I was doing.

Going blind must be awful, and I think it is great that she’s attending a dance class in spite of this challenge, but there are lots of other dancers to try and follow besides me. I don’t want her to keep following me around, since she obviously cannot see what I’m doing, or she wouldn’t keep blocking me. Is there a kind and tactful way to handle this, short of dropping out?

GENTLE READER: One choice would be for you to inform the leader of the class, and to request that arrangements be made to instruct this student in dancing without your having to participate.

Another choice would be to feel flattered at this lady’s admiration of you, and to use part of your time to guide her in dance steps more directly, thus learning something in addition.

Miss Manners probably needn’t tell you which she would prefer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been giving consumable gifts for Christmas and birthdays in the past few years, partly because people always complain about having too much stuff around, and partly because that way I can provide something enjoyable on a student’s budget. I have given food, bath things and tickets, depending on the tastes of the “give-ee.”

The problem is that I have no way of knowing if the gift was enjoyed or if I should go in a different direction the next time. My friends and family tell me that they enjoy the gifts and thank me for them, but they are polite enough to do that even if I gave them something dreadful.

I know that I should not ask if people liked gifts after I have given them, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, and I can let it go if need be.

GENTLE READER: The charming custom of exchanging presents -- as opposed to the decidedly uncharming ones of exchanging shopping lists or payments -- has to involve informed guessing. You note people’s tastes, as you say, and hope that they will be pleased (and express gratitude either way).

Miss Manners agrees that you are not going to get critical feedback from polite people. But you have another year to observe what they serve at home or order at restaurants, and what shows they see -- if not their bathing habits.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)