DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seven 6-foot-tall bookcases full of books, DVDs and CDs, with much spillover. Many of the items are rare, out of print and/or unique.

All too often, friends want to borrow this or that, which I hate. In the past, I’ve had items lost, loaned to a third party or come back damaged. Should I cover up my library, place NO LOANS signs or demand a cash deposit? I’ve even had people ask for decor items on display.

GENTLE READER: Being a good host does not require you to hand over everything that is not nailed down, but it does prevent you from slapping guests’ hands when they reach for a book (an act that, Miss Manners notes incidentally, requires permission).

Signs and receipt forms are therefore out of the question. The next time a request is made, smile sadly and apologize, saying that you just cannot part with that item. But it might be less trouble to move the bookcases out of the living room, rather than the guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few days ago, I stopped at a small local restaurant for lunch. The place is takeout only, no tables. I placed my order at the counter, waited, and was soon waved over by the cashier.

My meal was just under $7. I handed her a $10 bill. She handed me my food, rang up the bill, then promptly deposited the entire amount of change into the large tip jar next to the register.

I asked her what she was doing and requested my change. She said it was “policy.” I asked for the manager. The manager said that while it wasn’t a formal policy, they’d been doing that “for ages” and “nobody’s really complained.” (Something I highly doubt.)

I again asked for my change, pointing out that taking the money without my consent was stealing. Both the manager and cashier became somewhat surly, but returned my change.

The next day, I was discussing the incident with a friend. She was horrified, and said I was completely out of line to request my change, because one must always tip for service. This started a bit of an argument, since I don’t consider handing me a bag and taking money on par with, say, actual table service in a restaurant. She countered that once the money was in the tip jar, it was no longer mine and I had no right to demand it back.

Was I rude in asking for my change? And are we now required to tip everyone we do business with? Grocery cashiers, gas station attendants ...? This friend is still berating me for my “embarrassing” lack of manners.

GENTLE READER: Too many bosses see tipping as a way to underpay the staff, and therefore remain passive about how aggressively tips are collected. Most -- but not, apparently, all -- draw the line at theft.

Expecting a cashier to make correct change is neither unreasonable nor unmannerly. While Miss Manners shares your friend’s distaste at actually reaching into the tip jar, the fact that your money made it that far does not absolve the manager of his responsibility to make you whole.

Tipping is, by definition, not mandatory. If the boss is concerned about his cashiers, then he can make change for you out of the register -- or raise salaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You maintain that “Thanks for the invitation, but I think I’ll pass” might be one of the rudest things you have ever heard.

First: What a protected life you must lead! Second: What is a good alternative?

I live in a retirement community and receive frequent invitations to go places (sometimes months in advance) that I just do not want to attend. That doesn’t mean I want the person to “take a pass on extending future invitations,” as you’ve said, but I don’t want to attend that particular cultural event or movie. I usually respond with the exact thing you said was rude, though I do add “this time” to the end.

So my face is red -- I was unintentionally being rude. Now I’m in need of a better way to turn down a particular invitation.

In college, I was very close with a couple. After we graduated, we drifted apart, but I later discovered that one of them was enrolled in the same graduate program.

I got in touch and inquired about getting together. On two occasions, she agreed, but both times, she left a voice message for me at the last minute saying that she was unable to make it. She did not give a reason for canceling either time. I made another attempt, but she blew me off.

After that, I threw in the towel and gave up. I was more than a little hurt that she canceled at the last minute with no reason offered and that the attempts to get together were completely one-sided. I came to accept that we had grown apart, and that she had no interest in rekindling our friendship, not even for coffee.

Fast-forward 11 years, and I received an invitation to their wedding. The invitation brought up those old hurt feelings. My inclination is to trash the invitation and move on.

My partner says that I am being petty, and that I should at least offer congratulations and my regrets for not being able to attend. Such a response seems entirely fake to me. I suspect you may tell me that decorum dictates such a response, but under the circumstances, I am not sure that decorum should prevail. What is your view?

GENTLE READER: That your attempt to undercut Miss Manners is at the expense of your own interests. You don’t much like it when other people blow you off, but consider that in the name of retaliation, you are entitled to a free ... ahem ... pass?

To reiterate, Miss Manners has difficulty with the phrase “I’ll take a pass” -- whether it is accompanied by “this time” or not. (In fact, “this time” reinforces the subtext that one is not impressed by what is currently being offered, but holds out hope that something more appealing will come along in the future.) She does not, however, require attendance to every proffered event, or even invented excuses. Further, she does not defend treating rudeness (or unkindness) in kind.

What your partner suggests is the right thing to do. After all, even though you understandably did not like its timing, your former friend did at least let you know before the fact that she was not going to show up. You must do the same in return, resisting the urge to mirror the behavior you so disliked by doing it last minute -- or pettily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in trouble. I made a mistake. I was deeply surprised to see that a colleague served Thanksgiving dinner to her guests using aluminum pans, paper plates, paper napkins and plastic flatware. I posted a reaction to the photos of her dinner.

She is now angry and calls me a hater. This has stuck in her craw, because she keeps texting me. I suggested to her, and to others, that the holidays should be the time when we clear out china closets and use our very best china, stemware, flatware, etc. to serve our guests.

I admit I am biased. Growing up, my mother used the best of everything she had for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. I follow her standard. It is a matter of hospitality, and demonstrates to your family and friends that you went over and above the usual because they are special.

Apparently, my mother’s standards are no more. I know I was wrong to criticize. Should I apologize?

GENTLE READER: Is that all your mother taught you about the meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas? “Use the good china”?

Yes, you must apologize, publicly and profusely, for having publicly humiliated someone who showed hospitality. Even so, Miss Manners doubts that she, or anyone who saw your posting, will ever invite you again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After cutting and eating a steak, is it proper to pick up the bone and glean the rest of the meat? The meat next to the bone is really good.

GENTLE READER: And, like many of life’s sensual treats, is best enjoyed in privacy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve noticed that many people have taken to declining invitations with: ”I’ll take a pass.” Personally, I find this a bit off-putting. (These are sincere invitations; we’re not talking about inviting someone to help out with a move or attend a first-grader’s performance.)

When did it become acceptable to give this response, as opposed to, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a previous engagement” or even “Thank you, but it’s not my cup of tea”?

I’m sure Miss Manners doesn’t approve of passive-aggressive behavior. But when confronted with the response “I’ll take a pass,” should I presume that it is I who first offended the party with the invitation?

Or am I being too sensitive? Considering today’s harried environment, should I feel thankful that the invitee took the time to respond at all?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you are being too insensitive. To treat the offer of hospitality as if it were a commercial proposition is insulting -- yesterday, today and tomorrow. Miss Manners suggests upgrading your guest list rather than lowering your expectations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught to always remove my hat when entering someone’s house, a restaurant or the like. I am always surprised, if not annoyed, when I see grown men sitting in a nice restaurant with their baseball caps on, sometimes even backwards. Is the custom of removing one’s hat still valid, or has it fallen by the wayside?

GENTLE READER: It is still valid. However, some people’s manners have fallen by the wayside.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)