Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After sending us a “save the date” notice for a fall wedding, our nephew called to say that he and his intended were overwhelmed by wedding plans, especially the family pressure to include relatives they scarcely know.

They decided instead to elope to the Southwest. We agreed it was a great plan, and thought no more about it. That is, until learning that what had evolved was actually a destination wedding, complete with a dinner and a reception, to which “close friends and relatives” are invited -- my husband’s sister among them -- though we are not!

I am feeling miffed! Am I out of line?

GENTLE READER: No, just out of favor. While this whole procedure was clearly rude, Miss Manners recommends that you consider yourself lucky -- and that much richer -- for not having spent money on a forced vacation with (apparently distant) relatives. As an added bonus, she permits you to forgo the present that she feels certain will be solicited, and suggests you reward yourself with an actual vacation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I usually wear my best clothes to a funeral. But at a recent funeral I went to, wearing a posh velvet purple blouse, I was ridiculed and told (in front of everybody) that it was inappropriate and I shouldn’t have worn it.

I now feel insecure in what I want to wear, as well as inferior that my clothing choice was not taken seriously. I am a grown woman and this shouldn’t affect me, but it does. What should I do, Miss Manners? What is suitable attire for a funeral?

GENTLE READER: Black. “Best clothes” does not necessarily mean “poshest and showiest” when it is for a funeral. The point is to look smart, but respectful -- not, Miss Manners warns, to upstage the guest of honor.

Another point is that criticizing other people’s choice of clothing, let alone doing so publicly, is astoundingly rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister invited my kids and me for dinner at her house. She baked two types of bread: one with raisins and one plain.

We all sat down at the dinner table and she set down both loaves of bread. Her children started eating from the one with raisins, then my children started eating from the plain one. When she saw them doing that, she immediately forbade it. She told them to eat from the raisin one because it had already been eaten into. They responded that they don’t like raisins. She responded, “Eat around them.” Could you imagine any reason that would justify a host forbidding her guests to eat food that she herself served them? One would think the reason she baked two types of bread was so that her guests would have an option. Apparently they didn’t -- or at least my kids didn’t.

GENTLE READER: Next time you attend dinner with your relatives, Miss Manners recommends that you instruct your children to take a long, sad Dickensian pause, look up from their plates and say, “Are we allowed to eat this?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an introvert. I do not enjoy large gatherings of people. Perhaps this is social anxiety, or perhaps I am simply plagued by misanthropy. Because of my preferences, I generally avoid large parties: To others, a large room full of jollity is a joy. To me, it is a chore.

We soon approach the holiday season, with the usual cavalcade of celebrations. I intend to avoid as many of these as possible. However, personal or professional obligations inevitably compel attendance at one or two events.

I am generally happiest if I am seen at the event (thus meeting my obligation), but then left to myself, preferably in a quiet corner where no one will bother me, and I will bother no one else.

Is there a graceful way to execute this without engendering accusations of rudeness or interfering with others’ ability to enjoy the event?

GENTLE READER: Seeing someone standing in the corner completely discouraging all human contact is likely to be a mood-killer. Instead, perhaps you could tell your hosts that you would love to stop by, but unfortunately can only do so for a moment.

Miss Manners warns, however, that if you are only making an appearance, you must make it count and engage in some sort of interaction -- even if it is just to say a kind word to the other introvert who is cowering in the corner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a retired professional woman who chose not to have children. Whenever I meet someone new or attend a women’s group, I’m asked, with all due respect, “How many children do you have?”

I consider this question too personal and don’t know how to politely say, “It’s none of your business!” How do I respond without sounding snarky?

GENTLE READER: Especially since “It’s none of your business” has the added implication that there are too many children to count. Instead, Miss Manners suggests, “Oh dear, I knew I forgot something!” with a sly smile and a quick change of subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After I had been at a new company for two weeks, the supervisor sent me an email that was clearly something copied and pasted. It began with, “Dear NAME,” which he forgot to change to my name. Is there a polite way to make him aware of this so that he does not do it again? I doubt it will make employees feel valued, as I was rather hurt by it. I considered responding with “Dear NAME, Thanks,” but held my tongue -- or fingers, in this case.

GENTLE READER: You showed restraint. However, as you rightly pointed out, it would be kind to save him from future embarrassment.

“Dear Sir, I seemed to have received a letter for the wrong person. I would be happy to forward this to Mr. Name. I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting him, but sadly, it seems that now I am too late.”

Miss Manners is loath to add the use of an emoticon to punctuate the sentiment, but if ever there were a time to show that you mean it kindly and in jest, this would be it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started attending a new church recently, and everything was wonderful. After a couple of visits, Pastor Kyle announced that the church was in dire need of volunteers to work the holiday snow-cone booth. So, right after church, I was the first to sign up. I even sent a follow-up email.

On the day of the event, I showed up early, ready to volunteer. Pastor Kyle told me that there were already enough people working the booth. Then he handed me some tracts that I could go pass out.

I tried to be a good sport and hand out the tracts, but I felt terrible and went home early. Pastor Kyle sent me a text last week inviting my husband and me to a cookout, and thanking me for helping out.

What should I have done when I showed up at the booth, and how should I respond to his text?

GENTLE READER: Volunteering is an important, but somewhat misunderstood, endeavor. The volunteer is something more than a customer (in your case, a parishioner) and something less than an employee.

Pastor Kyle acknowledged this in announcing the nature of the work in advance, so that parishioners would know what they were volunteering to do. But he presumably asked for volunteers because there was simply too much going on for the regular staff to handle everything.

What then, should he, and you, have done when the help needed changed? The answer is for Pastor Kyle to treat you more like a parishioner and for you to treat him more like a boss. He should have apologized for the change and asked if you were still willing to help. You might have smiled and cheerfully agreed. Miss Manners reminds you that a volunteer who increases, rather than decreases, the work for the staff does not generally earn the gratitude of a more selfless volunteer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should criticism be received? A post on social media by a friend of mine included the word “it’s” when the possessive “its” was needed. I commented with “*its.”

She sent me this message: “STOP the English corrections!!! I find this offensive because 1. I type fast and don’t stop to edit every damn word, and 2. of course I DO KNOW English construction quite well!! Stop the nit-picking -- enough!”

I thought the woman’s reaction was an overreaction. I have known her since high school, which is more than 60 years ago. I think her belligerence may be an early sign of oncoming dementia. She will be 80 years old this year.

In any event, I replied: “I am sorry that you are so easily offended. I am unable to send you a message online. Apparently, you have blocked me. I do think that someone who is a professional writer should take care with his or her writing -- and editing.”

GENTLE READER: The internet has indeed been hard on spelling, grammar and etiquette. Eighty-year-olds have been known to write and behave like ill-bred teenagers. But without going so far as to defend your friend’s behavior, Miss Manners reminds you that correcting another person’s grammar is also rude. And, of course, it discourages further communication.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)