DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m not a firm believer in men holding doors open for women, as I’m perfectly capable of opening a door myself. I often open and hold doors for others because it seems the polite, not chivalrous, thing to do. That said, if a man insists on opening a door for me, rather than fighting for the handle, I allow social customs, archaic as they are, to dictate.

If he has opened the door on the way into a coffee shop where there is a line to the counter, it seems polite to then let him go ahead of me, since he forfeited his place in line by kindly holding the door for me. Then again, maybe he is expecting to lose his place in line to hold the door for me, and intending that I go first. What’s a feminist to do in this scenario?

GENTLE READER: Having heard from the gentlemen directly, Miss Manners can assure you that they were not expecting to give up their place in line; many report feeling taken advantage of.

Gesturing for them to go first will, she trusts, solve everyone’s problem. The gentleman will not feel punished for doing what he intended as a good deed. You will have taken an opportunity both to acknowledge, and to return, the gesture, while making the point that good manners can be practiced no matter what your gender. And the shop employees will be allowed to get on with pouring coffee, instead of breaking up fistfights in the line -- albeit among sluggish, low-caffeine combatants.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and husband bought a house, where I go to babysit for them weekly. There is an area that smells badly of mold, and I worry for my health and that of the babies. I have mentioned it several times and the reply has been, “Mom, you are the only one who smells it.”

I have offered to have it tested and pay for repairs, but it has been six months and the issue remains unaddressed. Now I have bought a mold-testing kit. What is the protocol for taking samples and submitting them to the lab? Should I tell my daughter I’m doing it, or wait and see if the lab report confirms my worries that there is something harmful?

GENTLE READER: Neither approach is likely to end well. If you tell her, she will be offended. If you do not tell her, and the result comes back positive, you will have to confess that you did an invasive thing without her permission.

Miss Manners assumes that if you do not tell her, and the result comes back negative, you will be relieved rather than disappointed. But you do not expect this outcome. Having pointed out the smell, and even offered a solution, there is little more you can do. Your daughter is now a grown woman with responsibilities -- and children -- of her own, and you have no choice but to trust that she is managing those responsibilities, well, responsibly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always understood that it is not polite to place a handbag or clutch on the dinner table. I’ve been told to put it behind my back on the chair, or in my lap under the napkin.

However, I am going to a black tie dinner dance soon, and I would like to carry a vintage bag that was left to me by an elderly relative. It is very beautiful, and very delicate. It is shaped like an animal, somewhat rounded and with a flat base to sit on a flat surface.

When I experimented with placing it on my lap, it rolled off. There is no chance that I will put it on the floor. I think I can just manage to trap it on my lap at dinner, but what do I do when dancing commences?

GENTLE READER: Place it on your chair and hope that you are in an honest crowd. If you suspect otherwise, you might hold it in your left hand, behind the shoulders of your dancing partner, trying not to bounce it against him as you dance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do with people who don’t send back greeting cards?

We sent out over 50 cards last year, and only got 15 or so back. I know they cost money and a lot of time and, like me, are getting old-fashioned really quick, but should I be offended? I imagine the proper thing to do is to send them out just for the joy of the season.

GENTLE READER: As you realize, sending paper cards is a declining habit, now that there are easier forms of informal communication. (And annoying ones, such as electronic cards, which take up time and space on your computer.)

So before your declare yourself offended, Miss Manners urges you to put aside the question of how your correspondents react. The real issue is whether they keep in touch in some form. Do they ever call? Do they write -- perhaps in some way that you do not check, in which case you should inform them that you do not use social media (or whatever)?

If they are never in touch, you should realize that this has been a perfunctory relationship, hardly worth salvaging. But if you do hear from them, even once a year, as you apparently used to, you could keep up the tie with whatever means you each prefer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long a dress is appropriate for “evening dress”? I have researched online and have found conflicting answers.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. As you will find at any formal event.

Traditionally, there were two types of evening dresses: dinner dresses, which have sleeves and long, straight skirts, and ball dresses, which lack sleeves but have big, long skirts to swish around the dance floor. Either may reveal a shocking amount of bosom.

But a lot has happened since then, such as “le smoking,” which is a female adaptation of gentlemen’s evening clothes, and the short dress made so elaborate or revealing that it could not possibly pass for a day dress. Miss Manners concedes that either can pass.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m struggling with how to respond to my co-workers this holiday season when they complain about how busy they are. While I appreciate that some people really do get overwhelmed for reasons beyond their control, far too often it’s passive-aggressive bragging about all the family and friends they have.

Meanwhile, some of us have no family besides a parent in a nursing home who’s losing touch with reality. And I know some people have less than that. It can be a very lonely time for some. But it’s not really in the holiday spirit to get snarky because I’m feeling sorry for myself!

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, many of those busy people are not as joyous as you assume. From what they tell Miss Manners, they are over-burdened with the unrealistic expectations of others -- and often of themselves. And after the holidays, many will be bitterly reporting the misbehavior of that jolly circle of family and friends.

Miss Manners does not mention this to comfort you. Indeed, if you keep comparing your life to others’, you will always be dissatisfied, no matter what your circumstances. The proper way to respond to your busy co-workers is cheerfully to wish them well. And try to mean it. If you begrudge the happiness of others, you will violate not only the holiday spirit, but your own spirit of humanity.

Meanwhile, the classic antidotes for holiday blues are either to take the time that you are not spending on the chores of which others complain to indulge yourself, or to distract yourself by helping the less fortunate. For restoring a sense of self-satisfaction, Miss Manners recommends the latter (with perhaps a touch of the former).

P.S. Yes, Miss Manners knows that any other columnist would diagnose depression and tell you to seek treatment. Aside from the fact that she doesn’t practice medicine, (and wouldn’t diagnose from afar if she did), she believes that emotional reactions to the vicissitudes of life are not always some form of illness, and can commonly be dealt with.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My uncle is getting married on New Year’s Eve. This is his fourth wedding, and his fiancee’s fourth wedding as well. I am divorced and this is my year to celebrate New Year’s with my kids.

The wedding is adults-only, so I cannot bring them. I declined the invitation, saying I’m sorry I cannot make it but I wish them well. My mother feels that I should attend the wedding, but I would rather celebrate the new year with my kids. Am I wrong for declining the invitation to my uncle’s wedding?

GENTLE READER: We all hope that your uncle and his bride have found happiness at last. But while the hopes of the couple themselves may rise with each such occasion, those of well-wishers tend to decline. Seeing a fresh couple pledge their lives, and even seeing a somewhat wounded couple having recovered enough to try again, is presumably rewarding. Sitting there thinking, “Well, this one better take,” is less so.

So while Miss Manners supports you, she leaves you to convince your mother that while the wedding is a family occasion, so is New Year’s Eve with your children.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)