Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a casual dining restaurant (a national chain), the waitress bringing several drinks to our table -- without a tray, for some reason -- had carried my glass of beer under her arm.

Yes, under her arm.

I am still at a loss about what to have done. I didn’t want to embarrass the waitress, but I would have liked to have sent the drink back. And what do you say? “Excuse me, but my drink was under your arm”?

But as the bar was out of sight, I was unsure what she or anyone else would have done to my new drink. Any advice? Since this was a national chain, and training in this area is minimal and not standardized in the U.S., I can unfortunately imagine it happening again.

GENTLE READER: As the captain who gratefully received a steaming hot mug of coffee from his ensign on a ship pitching in heavy weather can attest, there is a leap of faith in accepting food from the hands of others. (Said captain eventually learned that the delivering ensign took a mouthful of the coffee while in transit, which he returned to the mug before entering the bridge.)

Miss Manners does not condone the unsanitary handling of food, but she is not the health department. And she is practical enough to realize both that there can be differences in what people consider sanitary, and that, were you to return the beer, citing your reason, the server would have boundless opportunity to do something far worse out of sight.

Ask for a manager and express your concern. It may or may not affect your next visit -- should you choose to return to that restaurant -- but it will at least shield you from retaliation. Miss Manners leaves the decision to drink or not to drink the beer as an exercise for the reader.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to my own carelessness in not writing an entry on my calendar for a housewarming/birthday party, I forgot about it. The invitation from our friends was through social media, to which I had responded that I would attend.

My most important concern is what to say to apologize without sounding like the party was of such little importance that I could have forgotten it. A secondary concern is the medium to use to apologize: private message through a social media channel, or handwritten note sent via mail.

I think that I know your answer (note via mail), but is it ever acceptable to express apologies (or thanks) electronically?

GENTLE READER: Taking the time to write and post a letter, in addition to being the proper thing, will increase your chances of obtaining forgiveness. Miss Manners allows electronic correspondence for actions requiring the most minimal thanks. But as minimal apologies are not likely to sound genuine, she is hard-pressed to think of a case in which they would be either proper or effective.

The letter should demonstrate your remorse by showing your would-be hosts that you condemn yourself more than they ever could. Expressing horror at your own thoughtlessness and the deepest contrition should do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 50-plus years, I went to work in jeans and T-shirts. Typically, the only winter coat I could afford was a nice insulated sweatshirt.

But a few years ago, at age 67, I landed my dream job. It pays well, too. It is amusing that, even though my work ethic and abilities did not change one whit, people view me entirely differently because of the title, the secretary and the clothes.

Miss Manners, how would you recommend I answer questions like, “What a lovely dress; what is it made of?” or, “Where did you get those fabulous shoes?”

The truthful answers are “cashmere” and “They are custom-made.” I would prefer to deflect these questions, but brushing them off seems patronizing.

How do people who are accustomed to being well-off gracefully handle such questions?

GENTLE READER: Not every question has to be answered, and not every answer has to be relevant. Miss Manners can suggest a variety of remarks to make -- ”I’m glad you like it,” “Thank you; it’s really soft,” “They’re comfortable, too” -- before you change the subject to the day’s business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the British eat soup, they spoon away from themselves. Why do Americans spoon towards themselves?

GENTLE READER: They don’t. At least, polite Americans do not.

Lest you think that Miss Manners endorses British table manners for Americans, let her assure you to the contrary. In that matter of switching the fork to the right hand, the American method is the more traditional one, imported when it was still practiced in Europe, but later abandoned there in the interest of speed.

But no one of sense, American or British, would think it wise to push hot liquid in one’s own direction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend in another country who I correspond with regularly via email. We talk of life and love and her children and personal dilemmas, and do our best to lean on each other (as all strong women should!) from a distance.

However, as our relationship carries on and new situations arise, she (a devout Christian) has increased her inclusion of religious thoughts and ideals, as well as Bible passages and, if I’m honest, quite a bit of pious preaching. While I love and respect her devotion, I find myself increasingly uncomfortable, and my responses are obviously glossing over her religious topics by a mile.

Can I ask her to refrain from the religious chat? How do I broach the subject without damaging our lovely correspondence?

GENTLE READER: That the usual method of turning away from discussion of religion would be difficult here, Miss Manners can see. Declaring your religious views personal might seem odd to someone with whom you discuss love, family, and whatever else you mean by “personal dilemmas.”

You can still do it if you put it on yourself: “I find I’m not really able to talk about religion.” But as your friend evidently considers it relevant to all aspects of her life, it would be easier just to fail to respond on that subject while you continue to address other matters.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently encounter an even worse cousin of the “humble brag.”

At the three or four charity fundraising galas I attend each year, the organizations give out awards to recognize dedication, hard work and, most often, essential and generous financial support for the work we all believe in. No problem there.

The problem stems from the way in which the honorees begin their acceptance speeches. Almost to a man, they announce that they are “humbled” by the award. Now, also in attendance are many recipients of the charity work: people who have intimate knowledge of what it actually means to be “humbled.” There could be teenage single mothers kicked out of their homes by their parents, high school students from poor families attending excellent private schools on scholarship, recovering addicts, or persons with serious mental health issues.

In addition, serving the dinner are friends who also work for and believe in the charity, but who cannot afford to attend, and so supplement their incomes as waiters and waitresses. They are therefore literally waiting hand and foot on their fellow volunteers, the people who run the charities, and the honorees.

The award recipients are handed an engraved sculpture, and are then photographed and given standing ovations. That is the very opposite of being humbled; it is being exalted.

Can you advise your readers in similar situations to find a more accurate and gracious way of expressing any feelings that they are not worthy of being so honored -- other than by claiming to an audience of people who have felt the keen sting of being humbled that they, too, have now been humbled? It may only be semantics, but isn’t semantics an important part of etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Miss Manners has always been one to oppose analyzing conventional phrases literally, but frankly, this one grates on her, too.

Yet she understands why people keep saying it. They are trying to show that despite being praised, they have not gotten too full of themselves.

A better way to do this would be to express gratitude -- first for the recognition, but then for the mission of the charity and for the many other people who contribute to it. Believable humility is acknowledging that you are one of many.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become correct to use “Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe”? I am seeing it a lot. I was taught that it is always “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.”

If it is necessary to include the wife’s given name, it would appear as “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (Jane),” correct? Am I just seriously out of date, or is including both names still incorrect?

GENTLE READER: This is a response -- and an awkward one -- to the system’s being out of date. We are in a period of transition about how to address a couple, and it has lasted much too long and provoked endless squabbles. So Miss Manners wishes people would stop improvising.

When the idea is to recognize both individuals, a correct alternative, which works whether or not the pair are married or share a surname, is to use two lines: Ms. Jane Doe/Mr. John Doe.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)