DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a transgender woman who recently transitioned from living as a male to living as a female. I have a new name, and I look different enough that people who knew me before do not recognize me. I periodically see someone in public who knew me as a male.

What would be some good words to use to greet them and alert them to who I am without causing undue shock or giving them more information than they want to deal with?

GENTLE READER: “So good to see you again. You remember me as Zachery Morrow. I am now Zelda Morrow.”

Miss Manners then recommends changing the subject by inquiring about them. She says this because it is polite, but also because you already, no doubt, have enough people who want to quiz you about your transition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today at the supermarket, the woman ahead of me in the checkout line abandoned her cart, strode past me without a word, and returned to her shopping. As the customer ahead left, I paused a moment, then attempted to pass the lonely cart and complete my purchase.

From 40 feet away, the woman cried out, “Excuse me!” and scurried back in front of me in line. I said, “We were ready to roll here,” and she replied, “Well, I’m ready now.”

I managed to hold my tongue thereafter, but wonder: Was I out of line? Or was she thrice rude: first, to leave her cart; secondly, to ignore me; and third, to berate me in my attempt to keep the line moving?

GENTLE READER: If the woman’s behavior delayed tallying up your groceries, Miss Manners has no objection to spending the time counting the rudenesses committed. They include the ones you name -- and possibly, depending on tone and delivery, your own statement, as well.

But it would be tastier to count the successes. That the woman hurried back when you attempted, quite reasonably, to bypass her abandoned cart is one. Her return ended the delay. Had you been content with that, you could have added a second success: not returning rudeness with further rudeness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter, with whom I have had a decent but sometimes rocky relationship, is expecting her first child. She has sent a baby shower invitation addressed solely to my husband.

My husband says I am being petty in feeling snubbed. I feel that an invitation to a married couple should include both parties. Who is correct here? Should I assume I was included?

GENTLE READER: You are correct. And your husband has an ulterior motive: peace between his wife and his daughter, preferably without any further action required on his part.

Miss Manners mentions this to steel you for some mild deception yourself. Tell your husband that you are conflicted because you want to honor his daughter’s feelings, but do not know what they are. If she wants to spend the time with her birth father, you understand completely. But you would be mortified to miss the event if she meant to include you.

Your husband will comfort you while insisting there is no reason to consult the daughter. Hold firm. The only way he can resolve your dilemma is by calling his daughter and asking her intentions. This will teach her not to misbehave and him not to countenance bad behavior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any dress etiquette for a college classroom? How-much-skin-is-too-much-skin is a frequent subject of debate, of course, but what about pajamas?

I graduated about two years ago. During my entire time at school, there seemed to be at least one of these offenders in almost every one of my classes, yet professors, other students, and even special speakers never seemed to notice.

Doesn’t it give the impression that the class is unimportant, and that the most the student could do was show up for class on time (if that)? What happened to dress as a reflection of respect for others (let alone oneself)?!

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners is not so foolhardy as to propose a dress code for college students.

It is not that she disagrees with you. Indeed, clean, neat and nonprovocative (politically or otherwise) clothes would be respectful not only of the occasion, but of others in their community.

But most people discount the fact that clothing is symbolic, and she feels that heated arguments with teenagers about self-expression and comfort are futile, and hardly worthwhile in such a relatively secluded environment. She suspects that the adults who seem to be ignoring the issue feel the same way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We no longer wish to have company stay more than three days. It’s just too hard on us to be “on” and take responsibility for guests’ welfare.

How can we tell people whom we have invited to come see us that we have a three-day rule?

GENTLE READER: Not by quoting Benjamin Franklin (who may have been quoting an earlier source): “Fish and visitors stink after three days.”

Miss Manners suggests a more positive approach: “We would love to have you stay with us from the 5th until the 8th.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did having a bad day become an excuse to be rude in the customer service industry?

Frequently, I come across things online that state, “Maybe the person was having a bad day ... you never know what someone is going through.”

Yes, I agree that we never know what someone is going through. Isn’t that more of a reason to be kind, regardless of your own troubles? If you’re in the customer service industry, you don’t take it out on patrons.

Is kindness in the face of personal adversity not a sign of maturity? When my mother passed away, I still smiled and welcomed everyone warmly. I have suffered from major depressive disorder my whole life, but no one would know it.

It just seems that nowadays, people would rather be a victim to themselves and their troubles, and that makes it suddenly OK to take it out on others.

When we come home from work, we’re told to leave our work troubles at the door, so why does the same not apply to personal problems when you reach work?

I doubt anyone would give the go-ahead to be rude if someone said they were having a bad day, yet that is the idea being enforced when we tell people to excuse behavior because of a bad day. Where do you stand on this?

GENTLE READER: Right beside you, cheering.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a person one might call the “blue sheep” in my otherwise completely red, large extended family. That fact happens to be a known “hot button” that many in my family openly and joyfully push, often in bold and condescending ways, when I am around them.

I would much prefer to keep topics light and jovial, such as learning how they have been since last seeing them (which has been much less over the recent years), discussing the event we’re attending, commenting on the weather or food, and other neutral topics.

How can I politely yet firmly shut down direct, hurtful comments made to provoke me without appearing defensive, weak or unaware of their intentional attempts to engage me? Civil discourse is never their goal when approaching me with their agendas.

GENTLE READER: That it is undesirable to seem defensive or weak toward people who are trying to provoke you, Miss Manners understands. But what is wrong with seeming to be unaware?

Goading people is only fun if they react. Surely you must have been told that by a parent when you came home from kindergarten crying.

So your response to a political jibe should be, “Great to see you, Uncle Horace. I hope your gout hasn’t been bothering you too much.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I prefer not to hug, and not even to shake hands. As a (female, if that matters) homeowner, I have had salespersons come to give quotes for work to be done on my property. They shook hands at the beginning and again at the end of our meeting.

I later found out they had lied to me -- for instance, about not having a license to work in my town, or not having insurance for their employees. I felt the handshake -- which used to convey not only good will but honesty, work ethic, etc. -- was used to try to trick me into believing lies, and hiring someone because I “felt good” about them, rather than based on facts.

Another place I no longer feel the handshake is reasonable or necessary is in the doctor’s office. I had one doctor who would come in, shake my hand, THEN go wash her hands (presumably washing my germs off her hands after passing the previous patient’s germs on to me!). In this case, I feel there is a medical reason not to shake hands.

I therefore have begun refusing: “I prefer not to shake hands. Nothing personal.” If they request more of an explanation, I explain that I no longer feel it has the meaning it used to. While most people are surprised, after giving it a bit of thought, it’s accepted without annoyance.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, most people would flee in terror from the prospect of a conversation about the meaningfulness of conventional gestures. But what happens when some salesperson sees it as a chance to have a bonding philosophical exchange?

So when there are follow-up questions to your first statement, Miss Manners recommends shrugging it off, saying, “Oh, it’s just a quirk of mine.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)