Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I pulled into traffic without seeing a car coming toward me from the left. Fortunately, that driver saw me and was able to avoid a collision. She blared the car horn at me in frustration, which I thought was appropriate.

What should have been the appropriate response from me? I didn’t want to stick my arm out and wave, in case that action might be misunderstood, but I did want to acknowledge my error. Is there an acceptable hand gesture or other action that would convey the thought, “Please excuse me, my mistake”?

GENTLE READER: A bow of the head and a slightly ashamed nod and salute is about all that can be expressed silently, in motion and behind glass. Miss Manners cautions you that if this is too subtle, it will not be seen -- and if too exaggerated, it might cause another collision. Knowing you were wrong and vowing to be more careful next time is probably all that can be reasonably done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional writer, struggling to sell my books and make a small margin of profit. Several of my close friends have purchased my book and all have given glowing reviews. Then, often, they say to me: “I am going to lend this book to all my friends in my women’s club,” or “at my church,” or whatever.

How can I tactfully say that I am flattered, but that I would prefer they ask their friends to buy the book, rather than to share my hard work without further compensation to me? If I were an actress, they would not say, “We loved your performance and we’re sneaking all our friends in, free of charge.”

GENTLE READER: True, but you also do not wish to discourage an even more valuable seller: word of mouth. Presumably those few copies of your book will eventually run out. Miss Manners suggests that you say something like, “Thank you so much for recommending it. Here’s hoping your friends will encourage their friends to buy it, so they don’t wear out your only copy.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son just got engaged, and they will soon set a date for the wedding. This is his second marriage and her first. His first wedding, everyone from both my wife’s side and my side of the family came into town and gave him and his ex gifts.

With this being his second marriage, should we be inviting these same relatives again? Is it right to ask them to attend and give gifts?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners has a certain sympathy for wanting to start a new marriage without the weight of the old china pattern, her usual abhorrence of registries is magnified for a second marriage. You might point out to the bride that generosity and indulgence will more likely be inspired if she does not issue a lengthy and expensive checklist of new presents. At the very least, she should take pains to exclude items that the guests have already seen or bought the first time around.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to start skipping family holiday parties. Let me explain.

My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia two years ago. During the last sixth months, with treatment, he has begun to return to the brilliant, creative young man that he was before. As you might imagine, the past two years have been the hardest of my life.

My family has not been a source of support during this trial, mostly just standing on the sidelines and watching. I was not surprised by this, as it has been like this my whole life. I wish to stop attending family gatherings as I feel they will be detrimental to my son’s recovery in the following ways.

1. A lot of alcohol will be served, and we have learned that alcohol is very problematic for my son. I do not think that he will have the self-control not to drink when almost everyone there does.

2. My mother has a tendency to speak without thinking about context. (She once asked me in a crowded theater, “Are you still having that hemorrhaging problem?”) The last time she saw my son, she said to him, “You are fat!” This is concerning, as he was severely underweight prior to treatment (the voices were telling him not to eat), weight gain is a side effect of his medications, and he is ambivalent about taking them.

I have little hope of my family reforming their behavior. I explained to my mother why the fat comment was so destructive, and she replied that those sorts of comments “just come out.” She is unlikely to change.

I do plan to get together individually with family members who have healthy relationships with me and my son, but we will not attend the big gatherings. You have said that it is necessary only to decline invitations, not to give the reasons why. Do I owe my family an explanation for declining their invitations?

GENTLE READER: Remember that Miss Manners’ stock answer when declining unwanted invitations -- ”Thank you so much, but I just can’t” -- must be provided one invitation at a time. The only way to avoid all future invitations from a specific host is to repeat the process until she gets tired of asking.

That she is also likely to be offended by then is less important when the intention is to dispose of the relationship. This is likely not the outcome you want.

There is, however, an easy solution. Since your family is aware of -- but apparently indifferent to, and therefore uninformed about -- the details of your son’s condition, a useful alternative is, “Thank you so much, but Noah isn’t up to large gatherings yet. When he will be, we will just have to see.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for the bride to invite the father of her children and their stepmother to her wedding? The divorce was 20 years ago, and everyone gets along well at family events.

GENTLE READER: Although her answer would have been “yes” even if the relatives did not get along, Miss Manners is pleased to find herself in such agreeable company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been given a lovely cut-glass butter dish. It is the type that holds one stick of real butter. It is an elegant piece, and I would like to use it every day, but I am somewhat at a loss of how to use it properly. I buy my butter in wrapped sticks, so should I unwrap the butter before putting it on the butter dish? Should I leave the butter wrapped, but the wrap loosened? What is proper?

GENTLE READER: Although proper etiquette has no objection to practicality or efficiency, they are not, as Miss Manners often has to point out, etiquette’s primary concern. It is, however, pleasant when they find themselves all rowing in the same general direction.

Etiquette removes the wrapper prior to putting the butter in your dish because it is more formal. Efficiency points out that this is easier on the guests. And practicality observes that guests who have to juggle both cut-glass dishes and wrappers, which tend to stick to the butter, are more likely to have an accident, shortening the life of the wrapper, the butter and the cut-glass dish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to stare at someone to read what his or her shirt says?

GENTLE READER: It is -- more so for a her -- which will frustrate the pedants who then ask why one would write something that cannot be read. Miss Manners answers that there is a difference between reading and staring, a point that is obvious to anyone who has been on the receiving end of the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Months ago, my brother and his wife invited us to attend a comedy show, and dinner beforehand, in the town where they live (about two hours away). They suggested we ask my parents to babysit for our children, which we often do, and my parents were happy to do so.

Unfortunately, something has come up and my parents can no longer babysit. My brother does not have kids, so we asked him if any of his local friends with kids could recommend a sitter.

He said he’d put a post on social media asking people in his town for recommendations. I asked him not to do this, as we weren’t comfortable having a complete stranger alone with our kids. Since at this point we are likely going to be asking friends to watch the kids, we are probably going to have to skip dinner.

My mother has told me that they complained to her about our not wanting to see what came from their social media post. Is it rude to back out of our plans, or part of them, because our babysitting plans fell through and we haven’t been able to get new ones we are comfortable with?

GENTLE READER: Lack of adequate babysitting is a legitimate reason for canceling plans, so long as it does not become habitual and a genuine effort was made to find a replacement sitter -- greater effort being required for more formal events.

Miss Manners realizes this will be disappointing to your brother and his wife. She would have consoled them by giving them leave to think that your parental concern is overly fussy -- if only they had kept those thoughts to themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)