DEAR MISS MANNERS: I come from a large, close family that celebrates many occasions together. For many years, our primary host was my Aunt Maureen, who, after moving to a smaller home, would host us all at one of her favorite restaurants, her treat. I asked several times to take a turn paying, but she refused; instead, I would send her flowers as a thank-you, which she always enjoyed.

Aunt Maureen passed away earlier this year. Shortly after her death, I hosted a meal at one of her favorite spots, and, of course, paid. However, I’ve since decided that if I’m the one hosting, I’d rather have family gatherings in my home. My husband and I both enjoy cooking, and our house is set up well for the small children in the family, with a large fenced-in yard and a playroom off the kitchen.

In addition, my father has health problems that make him more comfortable spending long periods of time in my home versus a public place like a restaurant.

However, my cousin, Maureen’s daughter, has said several times that she would prefer going out again and that she missed the restaurant meals. My cousin is a single mother of three with a limited income, so she is not offering to host.

I need a polite way to say, “I don’t want to go out to dinner if I’m going to have to pay for everyone,” especially since these gatherings can be 15 people or more. An added issue is that it’s not really the money -- I could afford the meal, and my cousin knows this. I just prefer to host the group in my house.

GENTLE READER: “I loved both of Aunt Maureen’s traditions, but we would like to revert to her first one by having everyone at our house, which seems to work well for most of the family. Perhaps on occasion, we can order food from one of her favorite restaurants.”

Any reasonable person can see the compromise in this situation -- and, Miss Manners adds, would not be so bold to push it when she knows it is not in her power or means to change it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws tend to be extremely generous around the holidays. They love to spoil their grandchildren with numerous extravagant gifts.

This year will be my son’s first Christmas, and I’m worried he will receive the infamous “Christmas loot” we’ve seen given to the other grandchildren in previous years. My husband and I agree that the gift-giving from his parents is over the top, and don’t want our son spoiled with presents. We’d much rather they spoil him with love and attention.

I feel we should have a conversation with his parents about their holiday shopping, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful for their generosity or judgmental about how the other grandchildren are treated. How do we stand our ground without offending anyone?

GENTLE READER: Fortunately or unfortunately, it is not only the grandparents’ prerogative to spoil their grandchildren, but it is not for you to determine the means.

However, Miss Manners will allow gentle guidance in general conversation: “Jasper already has so much, and the only thing he really wants to play with is my phone, if he can grab it. But he loves your attention.”

This is infinitely preferable to, “We would rather you not try to buy Jasper’s love with a mini Jeep.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our organization is having a holiday open house. The agency will have food, desserts, etc., for the entire organization and family members. Our smaller unit will also serve light refreshments and beverages in our conference room.

Last year, people loaded up on the deli sandwiches and we were left with not enough. Is it appropriate for us to limit the sandwiches to two per member until everyone has been served? We never know from year to year how many to expect.

GENTLE READER: Telling people that they have a strict sandwich allotment is unlikely to have the desired effect of spreading holiday goodwill -- or of limiting the intake.

But one thing offices have is staff. Place someone at the table who can help fill the guests’ plates. This will not discourage everyone from coming back for seconds, but Miss Manners is confident it will discourage enough. And it will have the added benefit that it will make surveillance look gracious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to bake interesting cakes from scratch, using high-quality ingredients. I enjoy serving them to friends and acquaintances I invite to my home.

Frequently, someone will ask for a piece to take home “for my husband” or another family member. I usually comply; however, I don’t wish to be supplying cake to people I didn’t invite. I may also have other plans for the remaining cake.

Is the requester rude to be asking for extra cake? How can I politely decline?

GENTLE READER: Your hostly duties do not include stocking the refrigerators of departing guests. Since you cannot, however, tell a guest she is being rude, Miss Manners recommends a hungry, “offstage” friend or relative of your own: “I’m so sorry. I already put Egbert to bed, but I imagine he was hoping for leftovers.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 10-story condominium building has a social committee, and one of their missions is to raise money for common area improvements. They are selling tickets for a home tour, where unit owners open their homes to display their designs and decorating sense.

We have a premium unit in the building, and it’s undergoing major renovations. We were asked if we would allow our unit to be on the tour. I politely declined.

My husband and I are private individuals who keep things to ourselves, and have no interest in letting strangers into our home, nor in having our home photographed. No one from the building has been in our unit, but many are aware of the scale of the renovation, and ask questions in the elevator. I am usually brief and downplay it.

Although I would like to support the cause and purchase tickets, I have no interest in going on the tour. My husband warned me that it might be perceived as “snobby” by the neighbors. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it will be perceived as snobby by the neighbors. However, neighbors who are inclined that way were going to draw the same conclusion if you went on the tour and even if you did display your extensive renovations. Miss Manners recommends you stay clear of the entire project and show your support by instead participating generously in the next, less sensitive project.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was trained, at the earliest possible age, that when exiting an elevator, my role as a male is to hold the door open in order to allow all female and elderly passengers to exit before me.

How would you propose my handling the situation where the lone woman in the elevator is standing with her back up against the wall with her face buried in her phone, oblivious to the fact that the elevator has arrived at its destination?

I have tried two approaches, both unsuccessful. Approach 1: I stand there holding the door open indefinitely, with the hope that she will notice that it’s time to exit the elevator. I have often stood there for a long time without any reaction. That leads me to attempt Approach 2: I say, “Excuse me, the elevator has arrived at the lobby.”

This has been met every single time with an annoyed response from the woman, who then takes her time to finish up her text message and huffs out the door. Neither approach is working.

GENTLE READER: Your duty is to enable the lady to disembark, not to make sure that she does. Just as you would not hold the door indefinitely for someone you know is getting off at a different floor, the lady in question can be abandoned after a reasonable pause.

Miss Manners realizes that this robs you of the pleasure of seeing her annoyance when she realizes that she has missed her floor, but it gets you on your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a kid, I was teased all the time about how tall I was. I didn’t know how to handle it, and just stayed quiet.

Well, after decades of not having to deal with it anymore, the other day, an elderly woman teased me about it. I don’t think she meant anything cruel by it, but it took me aback.

I didn’t know what to say. Is there some way of nicely saying that I don’t appreciate any comments about my height?

GENTLE READER: One of the benefits of growing up is an increasing sensitivity to the feelings of others and a diminishing sensitivity to their opinions. Unpleasant as it is to be reminded of the teasing of school days, Miss Manners hopes you can laugh off this rudeness. But, if not, a stern, silent look should be enough to demonstrate your displeasure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If an adult child is estranged from parents and one parent were to pass, how should that child be acknowledged in an obituary?

In this case there are three adult children but one has “left the fold.” There was a gradual exodus, but it is presently a complete estrangement, and I was thinking of other families who might be experiencing a similar situation.

GENTLE READER: The mention of children in obituaries is usually limited to a factual list of names. Those facts, Miss Manners notes, have not changed. And an obituary hardly seems the time to rehash old disagreements.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)