Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. It seems that every time I bring up the goals in this relationship, and ask if he plans a future with me, he always has a reason why marriage is not a good idea and how everything needs to be just right in every way: religious and political views matched, family relationships and friendships accepted mutually, etc.

Everyone around us, including our families, constantly asks when the big day will be, and his response is always “soon” and that he is “planning on it, it’s just a surprise.” At times, he has even told people we are already engaged.

When I ask, he says I have to be patient and it will happen one day. But it’s been seven years, and I have grown tired of hearing these “reasons.” I want to just move on, because I feel that “when you know, you know,” and the proposal should have happened already.

Am I being impatient or expecting this too soon?

GENTLE READER: Seven years of this seems, to Miss Manners, to demonstrate greater patience on your part than your boyfriend has a right to expect. It is apparently long enough for him to have realized that there are no consequences when he gives evasive answers. Whether you decide in advance to leave, you might at least want to change this impression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am in crowded restaurants, I always wait until I am close to the door or away from people before putting on my coat. I worry that hair or lint will land on someone’s plate.

Sometimes I’ve had to step outside in cold weather because the entrance was too crowded. Where should one put on a coat in crowded places where people are eating?

GENTLE READER: Coats can be donned anywhere between the table and the car. Miss Manners recommends, however, that you choose a spot that minimizes the risk not only of stray lint, but of smacking fellow customers in the face with your coattails, knocking the soup off of a waiter’s tray or demonstrating that you have absconded with the flatware.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am so frustrated. My husband is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aids. Therefore, he misses out on details of conversations, and if I raise my voice to repeat something for the third or fourth time, he will tell me not to yell.

He is constantly fighting with our son, because he says our son screams at him. It is everyone else’s fault, not his. I have pretty much stopped conversing with him, because it is so difficult and terribly challenging. Any suggestions other than divorce?

GENTLE READER: While it is not Miss Manners’ belief that etiquette applies any less at home, family problems are less likely to benefit from the indirect solutions one often uses in company. Explain -- in writing, if necessary -- the impossible situation in which he is putting his family: He cannot hear you and you are admonished for speaking up. What would he suggest be done?

While this may not work, she would think it worth trying before involving lawyers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have worked as a custodian at a university dorm for over 15 years. I keep a professional and friendly relationship with students and staff.

Each year, it seems that the student population using the male restrooms has gotten worse. Increased biohazards from vomit and blood, broken liquor bottles -- but the worst is the constant refusal to flush the toilets. Multiple people urinating and defecating in the same unflushed toilet!

I have talked with staff and students on the need for better hygiene for healthier restrooms for all, posted signs, etc. Staff have talked to students, all to no avail. Management refuses to educate because it isn’t their job to teach restroom habits. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners can sympathize with educators not wanting to teach this particular lesson, there is another solution: signage in the bathrooms, perhaps saying, “If this is the way you prefer the bathroom be kept, I will try not to disturb your arrangements.”

This will either amuse or annoy the students, but she would have thought that you would not much care which, so long as it brings the problem to their attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be receiving European guests who have never eaten lobster, but who are very much into the correct protocol of doing things.

Where is the proper place to put utensils such as sharp knives, picks or even nutcrackers that might be needed for the lobsters? I would like them to have the real maritime experience of eating lobsters.

GENTLE READER: Picks and nutcrackers go to the right, with the knives. Whether this will give your guests the real maritime experience of eating lobsters will, Miss Manners believes, depend on the energy and enthusiasm of your other guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was verbally informed to “save the date” for a wedding 10 months in advance by the fiance of a young friend whom I have known since birth. This wedding is to take place overseas, which I readily agreed upon.

Long story short, it doesn’t seem that I made the invitation list -- and let me state, I understand weddings, and am mature enough to not take any lack of invitation personally.

What I am asking for is a script to say to this young couple that will take the burden of any discomfort off of them. I love them regardless of any invitation. This would not even be a situation, had I not been given the save-the-date request.

Again, I love them, support them and am not insulted in the slightest.

GENTLE READER: Be warned that the script requires you to act upon a polite fiction -- addressed not to these rude, if (you say) lovable, people, but to yourself.

Miss Manners is using “fiction” here in the sense not of embellishment, but of intentional untruth. Tell yourself that you were invited, but that you were unable to attend because of a prior commitment. If you keep this in mind, you will then be able to say to the couple how happy you are for them and how sorry you were to have missed the wedding -- without its causing the discomfort they deserve.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some years ago, my now 93-year-old mother discovered a very distant relative living in her city, whom she has introduced into our family and who is usually included in family gatherings. He is homosexual and has been bringing along his uninvited male friend over the past couple of years.

As committed Biblical believers, we believe homosexuality to be a serious sin, and do not like being put in the position of appearing to condone it. However, we also feel that each person should have the right to make their own judgments, and so have not said anything about this to the distant relative yet.

However, now he is assuming that his man friend is to be included in our Christmas celebration. I sent an email to my brother and cousin and copied this relative, saying we would like to come up for Christmas, to which he responded that he and this man (whom I did NOT include) would be available. I feel that this is presumptuous, but am at a loss to know how to put a stop to it without causing offense.

GENTLE READER: What strikes Miss Manners as presumptuous is the idea that your attending a party with this relative and his partner condones homosexuality any more than your presence amounts to a referendum on the private life of anyone else present. Or their presence on yours.

But even if that were so, she would still be at a loss to understand how it would apply only to the companion, but not to the relative.

Miss Manners would think that a bit of good will toward all would be appropriate for the holiday. But, as you say, people have the right to make their own judgments. And if yours precludes extending that, you should make other Christmas plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever correct to arrive at a party early? I have always been told NO. However, someone recently said that to arrive 15 minutes early was “Excellent,” as compared to being on time, which was “Acceptable.”

GENTLE READER: Have you ever given a party?

It is 15 minutes before the appointed hour: just enough time to check the oven, open the wine and find your shoes.

Knock, knock. “Oh, I’m so glad you could make it. Would you excuse me just a minute? No, wait, I’ll take your coat, but I’ll be right back.”

And so on. Miss Manners hopes this answers your question.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made plans with a friend on maternity leave to visit her and her new little bundle, and I said I would bring lunch. Now we are playing the game of “I’m good with anything. You decide!” regarding what food I will bring.

While I don’t want to pick up something that she may not like, I am sure she is trying not to dictate an order when she is not the one treating. Who should make the dining decision in a (polite) food standoff like this?

GENTLE READER: What if you just bring lunch?

It is reasonable to assume that your friend would have told you if she had any food restrictions, and that she is understandably refusing to dictate the menu. Miss Manners is also guessing that the lady is somewhat busy just now, and while she would appreciate a treat, she does not want to have to plan one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)