DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner lost a friend who was suffering from depression and mental health issues. The family of the deceased decided to have a big celebration of life later in the year.

In the meantime, my partner, who was grieving, wanted to host a small dinner in remembrance of his friend. Although the friend was not from the small town we live in, he was part of the community and was friends with many people.

In trying to keep the gathering intimate, my partner only invited close friends of the person who had passed. The people who attended had all worked together for many years and shared a common bond with one another and with the deceased.

This was very upsetting to a few people who expressed that they “deserved” to be there, and that it was “mean to exclude them.” What is the proper etiquette for a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Although it is rude to protest to a host for not being invited, Miss Manners believes that it is worth assuaging hurt feelings when possible.

The solution in this case is to invent an objective grouping. Saying that your event was for people who worked with the deceased -- particularly since the family is doing a separate remembrance, and your partner and the deceased were not related -- will answer anyone who was not a co-worker. If necessary, you can further limit it to people who knew the deceased for some length of time, worked in close proximity to him, and so on. The rule need not be an exact match for the guests, as those who are not invited will not be present to check.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently travel for work, and often stay with local hosts rather than in hotels. I am a low-maintenance guest, and kind to my hosts. I thank them in person, and also, when possible, by name at the events where I am a speaker. I also send a personal and sincere message of thanks by email afterward.

But does that note of thanks afterward need to be handwritten? If so, can it be a card left in the bedroom where I’ve been staying, or must it be mailed?

Also, does etiquette require a gift for my hosts? I’ve been trying to think of something appropriate for hosts I may not know, whose personal tastes are a mystery, and that’s small enough to fit into compact air luggage.

GENTLE READER: Your understandable confusion is caused by the melange of business and personal manners. Were you visiting a friend, it would be reasonable to reciprocate your hosts’ hospitality with more than a letter: inviting them out to dinner and sending a present. Presumably, you can guess your friends’ tastes.

But you are working. Your hosts -- and Miss Manners does not mean to lessen their generosity -- are making a donation to the cause. Presents are not necessary, but a handwritten letter, sent after you return home -- leaving it in the room suggests that you have a supply to hand out -- would be extremely gracious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it normal to make decisions in your current relationship based on the fact that you might not be together in the future? Example: I don’t want to have my tubes tied in case this marriage does not last, and my next husband wants to have kids with me.

I was having this discussion with my significant other, and they said I was being sensitive and I should not take it negatively -- that “it’s just real life.”

GENTLE READER: Say what? Miss Manners was still following you through the example. Certainly, if you do not think a relationship is going to last, no one can blame you for thinking about different possible futures.

Expressing those thoughts to a husband you are not so sure about is another matter. Miss Manners got lost when the husband was demoted to a significant other and chided you for being overly sensitive.

If you were the husband on the receiving end of your wife’s unpleasant expression of doubt, it would be reasonable to be upset and concerned that you were being pushed out the door -- in thought, if not yet in deed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite, non-offensive way to ask a customer service agent to transfer my call to a representative who does not have a foreign accent?

It has been my experience that I am often frustrated or angry with whatever circumstance has caused me to call a customer service department. I become even more upset when the representative does not understand the details of my complaint. There are so many Americanized phrases and terms that we use that may not be literally translated, which causes unavoidable confusion in the conversation.

I completely understand that it is not the representative’s fault. She deserves to be commended for being able to speak another language so fluently; I certainly cannot! However, when I am anxious to have an unpleasant situation resolved, I would simply appreciate not having a language barrier.

I don’t want to offend the person on the other end of the phone. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: There is no polite way to ask for an agent without an accent, but there is a simple alternative: Apologize that you are having trouble understanding their answers -- the connection must be bad -- and hang up. If there are intelligible agents to be found, you may get one on a second call.

Miss Manners realizes that you will now have to explain your problem again from the beginning, but she assures you that this would have happened anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A future houseguest is insisting on coming for nine days, and also asked if they can do laundry while here. Nine days is too long, and no, I do not want them doing laundry at my house. How do I tell them this?

GENTLE READER: If you found it impossible to work up the courage to tell the guest not to move in, Miss Manners is not confident anything she advises will help. You might place an “out of order” sign on the washing machine, but this will prevent you from doing your own laundry -- and will make an unpleasant houseguest even more so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend I have known most of my life, but we seemed to get closer the past 15 years or so. Some bad things happened in my life, and she was there for me at the beginning. But now that life is better, she doesn’t have time for our friendship. She is always busy.

Do friendships ever last a lifetime? Or is it normal for them to end? I’m wondering if I put too much importance on my friendships.

GENTLE READER: Your friend was there when you needed her. And now she is busy -- possibly even attending to another friend in need, or to factors in her own life.

Miss Manners does not see this as the end of a friendship, but it could become so if you are not as sensitive to your friend’s needs as she was to yours.

It is normal for friendships to become more or less intense depending on what else is going on in people’s lives. Considerate friends do not pout about being neglected, but adjust their expectations. So yes, you are attaching too much importance to the friendship as being the chief factor in your friend’s life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me how to eat cooked peas?

GENTLE READER: Philosophically. That is, you must resign yourself to the fact that you will not be able to corner every last one of them, and that everyone else you ask will quote the jingle about using honey on a knife. Miss Manners will only offer you the comfort that the last pea is not worth chasing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our daughter was married, many guests traveled from out of state to attend. As she and my son-in-law had been working for several years, they did not create a registry, and instead stated, “Your presence is our present.”

Our families are very traditional, and the wedding was small. Most guests brought cards with well wishes. I was shocked and a bit hurt that no one in my immediate family bothered to give them a card, much less any kind of gift. None of our siblings or parents is struggling financially. In fact, everyone is very successful.

I’ve never neglected to recognize a family member’s life event. It has been several months since the wedding took place, and no late cards have arrived. I know I should not hang on to this hurt, but I just can’t believe how much this has disappointed me.

Our daughter did not expect monetary gifts. But she feels sad that when she looks through her wedding mementos, no one in my family took a minute to even sign their names to a card.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter explicitly stated that the guests’ presence constituted presents -- which is unnecessary, as both are obviously voluntary -- and that is what she got. Unless you are referring to people who ignored both the invitation and the event, why are you and your daughter brooding?

Miss Manners cannot imagine where the idea came from that those who attend must also bring or send cards. You would both be happier concentrating on memories rather than counting mementos.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)