DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! We are planning our wedding exactly according to the rules, and now everyone is mad at us! My mother and my future mother-in-law, who weren’t friendly before, bonded over telling us we are being selfish. And it’s our wedding!

Plus, we did everything right. First you are supposed to decide what kind of wedding you want. We want ours in a certain elegant resort. Then you do the budget, right? We did, and at that point, our parents, mine and his, were very generous.

When they got mean, it was at the third step, the guest list. Mindful of the budget, we kept it down, eliminating their friends that we don’t know that well, and some not very important relatives. As advised, we said that they can include others if they pay extra -- just being financially responsible! -- but that made them even madder. Plus, my grandfather can’t travel to the resort, so now they’re even questioning our venue. Where did we go wrong?

GENTLE READER: You read the checklist upside down. Or it was written scrambled.

It should not be necessary to point out that people last longer than flowers or cake, or even dresses. But it is necessary to point out that while the marriage is all yours, the wedding involves two families. Miss Manners doesn’t care for that declaration about “our wedding” any more than the two mothers do.

Yes, yes, she wants you to have a lovely wedding that you enjoy and remember. But as you have discovered, it is not pleasant to set off squabbles among those with whom you want to celebrate.

Here is the proper order:

1. The guest list. Not everyone you can think of, but -- for now -- those whose presence will be truly meaningful to members of the two immediate families.

2. The budget. As you acknowledge, the parents were generous; they are not obliged to pay, and are the sole judges of the amount they are willing and able to give. Then you should figure out what the money will allow.

3. The arrangements, with those two considerations in mind. Presuming that your grandfather is on the "essential people" list of the parent whose father he is, the resort is out. As you are fond of it, go there for your honeymoon. And figure out what you can afford to pay for the venue and the reception.

4. The trade-offs. Do you want to invite more guests? In that case, you might have to scale back on other expenses. You could have a daytime wedding with a luncheon or tea, which would cost considerably less than a dinner dance. Or if that form is important to you, you could stick to the basic guest list. Or cut back on the venue or decorations.

At last, your wishes, as the bridal couple, prevail. Wasn’t that worth waiting for?

Sure it was. The parents are back to rejoicing in your happiness. Taking into consideration the feelings of others is the best preparation for marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you eat baked chicken with your hands? Also, can you use a regular teaspoon for soup when serving several guests?

GENTLE READER: No doubt you can. But please don’t. Your fingers will be greasy, and your guests will take forever to finish their soup.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I’ve come across a large number of typos online: e.g. restaurant menus, sites for housecleaning services, etc. Most of them are obvious spelling errors (e.g. “claning” instead of “cleaning”), but occasionally it’s a poor choice of words that makes it very difficult to understand the intended message.

I have, on occasion, made silly errors as well -- for instance, my phone number was incorrect on my resume for years. I’d like to point out the errors, but understand that if the business is a labor of love, the owner might be insulted. How can I provide this feedback without upsetting the recipients?

GENTLE READER: By treading carefully. Miss Manners does not want to make assumptions, but is it possible that some of the authors of these websites are not native English speakers? While they may ultimately benefit from your help, they are not soliciting it. And you are not their employer.

However, that could change. If you feel so moved and are interested in their services, you could send them a direct message saying, “I am seeking a housecleaner, but did not quite understand this listing. Do you mind clarifying what comes with the ‘three-hour Poopie Package’?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s your opinion about a man who invites you to a relaxing weekend getaway, but expects you to pay for gas and meals?

GENTLE READER: That it will not be relaxing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At long last, my nephew is getting married to the woman with whom he has been living for nearly 10 years, and with whom he shares a young son and a stepdaughter.

The details of the upcoming nuptials, as related by his father, my brother, are sketchy at best. The ceremony may involve little more than an impromptu visit to City Hall, with no friends or family present. Apparently, taxes and health insurance are the main motivations behind this move.

Unfortunately, my brother has been very sensitive about the couple’s long-term living arrangement. He says that his son has met with snide remarks from some family members over the years, while other nieces and nephews who married in a more timely order were treated more respectfully. With his son’s impending marriage, my brother has served notice to one and all that the soon-to-be married couple shall be given congratulations and wedding gifts, and that he’s keeping track of who does so.

How do I tactfully offer the couple my congratulations on an event about which I have no details whatsoever, and then send a gift with a note reading, “... and please let your father know that I sent this”?

GENTLE READER: Having successfully scared you into compliance, your brother will no doubt have tracking methods already in place. Miss Manners recommends that you send your present with a congratulatory note saying, “Gerald has told us of the impending happy occasion. We wish you, your fiancee and the children all of our heartfelt best wishes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to dinner for the first time in the home of a fellow artist friend and her husband. It was immediately apparent that entertaining was not her forte: Hors d’oeuvres consisted of two bags of chips and two tubs of dip opened on the kitchen counter.

As we sat down for dinner, the hostess tripped on her way to the table and dropped the dish of chicken and potatoes, the entire contents of which landed on the carpet. I offered to help rinse the food, but she just placed it back in the dish and set it on the table.

I was appalled, but not wanting to be rude, I politely ate the food, fighting back a gag reflex. What would you have done?

GENTLE READER: Likely the same. However, Miss Manners is amused by the implication in the first part of your letter. It appears two-fold: that your hostess somehow deserved her fate and that in the wake of it, there was nothing decent to eat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the second wife (of four years) to a man whose first wife never remarried, isn’t dating, and now lives a town away. Their daughter was invited to be a bridesmaid and plan the shower for the wedding of her longtime friend, whose parents used to be close with my husband and his ex-wife.

Both the bride and her parents know that we are a couple. We were informed that my husband and his adult daughters would be receiving invitations, but that I would not.

We found this to be incredibly rude, but also incredibly strange, as there is no animosity. The parents of the bride giving this lavish event can certainly afford to invite a substantial guest list -- and it is quite substantial. These aren’t people who ever typically lack in manners; they’re highly educated medical doctors and genuinely nice people.

The parents of the bride were very close with my husband’s family for decades, and seem to have planned for everyone (the parents of the bride and my husband and his ex-wife) to all be together at this event “like old times.”

While this is fine, circumstances have changed; he is no longer married to her and hasn’t been in nearly seven years. I put my confused and hurt feelings aside and said, “Don’t ask them why they did it, and don’t dare dampen the day. Just go and have fun and celebrate the wedding.”

My question is, though: Is it normal to invite only half of a couple to a wedding?

GENTLE READER: No; it is rude. Particularly since you were told beforehand that such was the intent.

However, if you want to emphasize your utter graciousness without appearing to be petty, Miss Manners recommends that you send a note afterwards to the hosts saying, “Jacques and the girls had such a wonderful time at the wedding. Thank you for inviting them. I trust that I will get the chance to know you better at another occasion.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)