DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was having a sad and difficult time, a not-close relative through marriage reached out to me, told me she loved me like a sister, and “wanted to help.”

She asked me many questions, while also saying several times that she would not repeat anything I said. I now hear, through old friends, that she has spread what I told her as gossip, along with her own demeaning spin, to everyone in my hometown.

I’m horrified, and my reputation is damaged. She has now contacted me, saying that she’s available if I “need to talk.”

Obviously, I am not interested. I want to never see this woman again, and will proceed accordingly. But if she continues to contact me, or if I were to run into her, is there an appropriate way to alert her that I know, and that she should stop?

I don’t want to get into any in-depth discussion with her, and my instinct is to simply turn my back if I see her.

GENTLE READER: Not having to speak with her again and alerting her that you know what she did are understandable goals, but contradictory. If you turn your back or angrily confront her, it will surely lead to more words; if your response is a mildly cold, “Thank you,” she may not realize she got caught. Miss Manners can endorse either course of action, once you decide which goal is more important to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I borrowed two propane space heaters for a two-hour party. I filled them up prior, and not much of the propane was used. When I return them, do I fill them up?

GENTLE READER: As a rule, Miss Manners does not look to rental car agencies for etiquette advice. But in this case, she makes an exception. Such companies do not measure the difference between a full gas tank and an empty one in tablespoons -- nor need you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice, when different friends have invited me and my husband for dinner, the conversations went something like this.

Friend: “We would love to have you and John over for dinner next month!”

Me: “That would be great! We have no plans on our calendar right now.”

Friend: “Let me know what day and time you want to come over, and what you would like to eat.”

I am confused. Isn’t the host supposed to set the date, time and menu? Are these friends being overly accommodating, or are they trying to push some of the responsibility for the evening onto us?

Or were they not serious about an invitation in the first place, like when you run into an old acquaintance in the street and say, “We must catch up sometime,” when you know you never actually will?

I haven’t responded because I feel weird calling them and saying, “We’re coming for pasta on the 15th at 7 p.m.!”

GENTLE READER: Although she cannot tell what your friends are thinking, Miss Manners can tell you how to respond: “We are free the evening of the 15th, if that works for you. We have no dietary restrictions and are sure we will enjoy whatever you serve.” How your hosts respond will reveal their intentions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We lost everything (including our pets) in a house fire two years ago. We were devastated, as nothing was recoverable. Many people helped with money, blankets, clothing, a GoFundMe page, etc.

Then my husband lost his job in early June, and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Was I supposed to send thank-you notes to all who sent money and provided financial help during the time after the fire? It went from one bad event to the next. Are there some circumstances where a thank-you card can be overlooked? Am I ungrateful?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. With all the terrible luck you have had, you are ignoring your good fortune in having people who care enough to help you.

Are you truly not grateful to them? And do you not want to encourage such kindness by telling them how much it meant to you?

Miss Manners can understand that you are focused on the bad things that have happened to you. But it would do you good to look at the kinder side, as well. Expressing thanks is not just a chore to repay a debt, but a reminder of not having to suffer alone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, I received a letter from a friend stating that she was hurt that I did not attend her wedding. She wanted an explanation of why I didn’t attend, especially since she had attended my wedding several years before.

I replied with a letter of apology, noting that traveling for her wedding was not feasible at that time in my life due to a number of factors, including limited finances. The friend accepted my letter and apology, but told me that I “owe her a trip to visit her next year” and to “start planning.” I told her that I very much want to visit someday in the future, but did not commit to a time frame.

What do I say when she comes calling next year to ask me to make a trip to see her? Amidst other family travel obligations, her trip is low on my priority list and unlikely to happen in the next couple years -- especially with a new baby in my household. I feel as though I am being held hostage until I prove my friendship with an expensive visit.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is trying to say that she has forgiven you and wants to resume the friendship. It is just that she has chosen a particularly awkward way to do so.

That baby is a long-term excuse, which Miss Manners recommends pairing with another expression of interest in the friendship: “It’s been far too long, but Dalia makes travel complicated [insert amusing story of tending to Dalia’s needs on a family trip]. Any chance of you and Lyle coming this way? The guest room is now the nursery, but I’d love to see as much of you as I can.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should misgendering be treated the same as using an incorrect name?

If I slipped and used the wrong name while speaking to or about someone, I would apologize and correct myself. If I were to accidentally misgender someone in conversation, is simply acknowledging and correcting the mistake sufficient?

I try very hard to use requested pronouns, but I have occasionally slipped regarding a person I’ve just met (as I have occasionally done with names) and feel terrible. Surely misgendering, which is commonly done as an insult, is a more egregious offense than saying “Anne” when I mean to say “Amy.”

What is the best way to address this unintentional rudeness?

GENTLE READER: The emphasis on suiting pronouns to identity has to do with tolerance and acceptance. Therefore, Miss Manners trusts that those who expect these virtues will also practice them.

That means there should be a reasonable acceptance of the nearly universal (with the exception of successful politicians) problem of remembering names correctly, and tolerance for the difficulty, now, of the correct pronouns. It should not be assumed automatically that mistakes are --well, not mistakes, but deliberate derogatory judgments.

An apology ought to be enough to establish one’s goodwill when mistaking a name or a pronoun. However, there is a limit. You can’t keep doing it to the same person and expect it not to be considered intentional. This makes it hard on people with bad memories, who will have to develop more extensive and self-abasing apologies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an area where the residents have been ordered to stay at home because of COVID-19, and I’ve spent more time recently communicating with my friends and family through phone calls, emails or text messages, as most are in the same situation.

It has been a good opportunity to reconnect and catch up, swapping stories and comparing our similar tales of inconvenience and adjustment. However, a friend who is also in confinement, and who usually phones once a month, now calls four times a day. Her conversations range from her impassioned views on news and politics to her running low on toilet paper.

At first, it was nice to hear from her more frequently, but now it’s becoming a nuisance. What can I possibly say to make her limit her calls? There’s no sense telling her that I’m too busy to talk or that I have somewhere else to be, because obviously she knows that neither excuse is true.

GENTLE READER: It is a sad situation, and if you and your friend have any mutual acquaintances, you might suggest that they check in with her. But Miss Manners does not expect you to devote your days to endless socializing with one person.

You do have things to do: keeping in touch with other people, and perhaps that dreaded fallback of the quarantined -- household organization and chores that you had always claimed never to have the time to perform. And only under these special circumstances -- namely, that your devices are currently your only way of making sure everyone is all right -- Miss Manners will allow you to sign off on one rambling call to take another.

However, the best excuses are always no excuses. That way, there is no danger of being misbelieved or found out. So you need to learn to say, “Sorry, can’t talk now.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)