Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother taught me the value of writing letters and, though I haven’t done that in quite some time, I think the current outbreak is providing us ample opportunity to be kind in simple ways.

My son and I are going to send letters to the local nursing home, which we’ve already discussed with the home to avoid any issues.

What would be the most appropriate way to greet these folks we don’t know? I know we could use a standard “Wishing you well,” but I’d like to be as kind as possible to make sure they know that we really are thinking of them and hope they are well.

GENTLE READER: This is a kindness to your son, as well as to the residents, who may now be deprived of outside contact, even from their families. Miss Manners considers empathy to be the most important quality a parent could seek to foster. And knowing how to write a graceful letter will be of surprisingly good use to him.

The letters should introduce yourselves as their neighbors, perhaps with a drawing or photograph. If the nursing home’s administration will give you a list of the residents, you can address them by their honorifics and surnames, even if there are many of them.

The staff could also tell you if it would be practical for you to drop off books, magazines or videos, or perhaps greet residents from the sidewalk or through a virtual meeting. But the letters alone should be valuable in reminding these people that they have not been abandoned by the outside world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to give a reference for a young man. When I stated that he was articulate, the caller became offended, asking me if I knew that was an insult.

The young man I gave the reference for was black, and I am an older white woman.

How can I avoid this kind of misstep in the future? What should I say about a young black man who has overcome much adversity, and who is articulate and intelligent?

GENTLE READER: Being articulate, which means being able to express oneself and one’s ideas, is surely a basic expectation. Thus you would seem to be saying this young man is not inarticulate -- implying that he is above the low expectation one would have of him.

Do you see how that becomes an insult? And it has become particularly associated with racism, as if one would not expect a black person to speak well.

If you wish to do someone a service, which is the point when agreeing to give a reference, Miss Manners considers it more effective to give specific examples of a person’s abilities rather than to resort to such vague generalizations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know Miss Manners has decreed that diners should eat asparagus with their fingers. Does the same directive apply to broccolini spears?

GENTLE READER: Good heavens, no. Miss Manners cautions you not to try to apply reason to tradition.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I posted on social media that I was excited to have received a stimulus check. One comment on my post said that others were giving their checks to those more in need, “maybe even family members.”

The comment was from the wife of my cousin. She clearly implied that I should consider giving funds to her husband, whom she has long been separated from, and from whom she is financially independent. (Her husband scrapes by and, unlike us, was negatively affected by the lockdowns.)

My wife and I disagree about the propriety of the comment. One of us thinks the public solicitation crossed the line. The other thinks the comment placed the wife’s reputation at risk for the benefit of another, and so was actually praiseworthy. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Demanding that people hand over their money or they will get hurt, where the threat is to harm their reputations rather than their bodies, is the social equivalent of a crime. How the money is then used does not justify the means of getting it.

Miss Manners realizes that she has described a fundraising technique that is used by many charitable organizations. When she hears the phrase “but it’s for a good cause,” she is sadly aware that the “but” means that rudeness is being cited as a virtue.

However, it is never a good idea to post about your financial gains.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve gotten some unsolicited advice on how one drinks tea, and now I’m worried that it will be cold before I figure out how to drink it. Perhaps you’d be kind enough to answer a few of my questions.

A distant acquaintance told me that when you stir sugar into your tea, you’re not supposed to let the spoon hit the side of the cup and make a noise. Is that true? How on earth is it accomplished?

This same acquaintance has also told me that the milk and sugar have to go into the cup first, or I’m doing it wrong. But is there really a protocol for that sort of thing? How does one do it right?

When I’m drinking tea and eating a cookie at the same time, may I put the cookie on the saucer next to the cup, or does it deserve its own separate plate?

Last of all, may I dunk the cookie in the tea, or is that sort of thing not allowed? I suppose this question’s a long shot, in light of the three before it.

GENTLE READER: Before you blithely break cookies with these people, you should realize that you have entered a controversy so heated as to make American politics look bland in comparison.

This matter of the MIFs (Milk In Firsts) vs. the TIFs (Tea In Firsts) is of great emotional concern to people who have nothing better to do. Scientific arguments about beverage temperature are cited. Class distinctions, about whether the tea is served in fine china or an earthenware mug, are made.

Miss Manners sides with the TIFs, if only because they are able to make the more devastating characterizations of their opponents.

But surely she can trust you to stir in the middle of your cup without clanking, and to dip your cookie while no one is looking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some close family members of mine have become strident in their political views to the point that politics is all they ever talk about. I find it tiring to listen to nothing but regurgitated cable news sound bites from them. However, they are rather thin-skinned about any criticisms of their viewpoints, no matter how ridiculous.

These relatives use all types of media to do this: email, telephone, web links, etc.

What is the best way to distract and redirect them -- politely, so as not to cause a small nuclear war?

GENTLE READER: It’s not a conversation, nor a correspondence, unless you respond. When a rant is finished, which happens faster if it is greeted by silence, it will be your turn to start a new conversation about other, more pleasant topics. To apply a polite veneer, you could open with, “There is so much that’s awful in the news at the moment that we find ourselves wanting to talk to family about anything else. How is Aunt Ginny’s new ferret?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to eat a cupcake when one is not given a fork? Should I ask for a fork? I always seem to make a mess without one.

GENTLE READER: The cupcake is the fried chicken of the dessert world: It should properly be eaten only informally or with family, where it may be picked up with the hands -- and the mess and facial decorations are part of the fun.

Since the turn of the modern century, however, it has become common to serve cupcakes at weddings and other formal settings, often without the accompanying and necessary utensils. The results have been, as you say, a disaster.

Guests have had to get creative. Miss Manners has even witnessed the advent of frosting sandwiches, where consumers take off the bottom half of the cake and place it on top.

But if hosts insist on serving cupcakes outside of children’s birthday parties, their guests will be obliged to ask for the proper implements. Tablecloths, silk dresses and upper lips will be eternally grateful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors’ children are constantly screaming at the top of their voices when they play. I was always told that screaming was to be done only in an emergency.

How can I politely ask the neighbors to encourage their children to keep the noise level at a more appropriate volume? I’m also concerned that the children often play in the street, which is dangerous.

GENTLE READER: Express that concern, in regard to all applicable screaming and playing: “Is everything all right? We heard screaming coming from your children and got worried. Also, we know that the streets are quieter than usual right now, but you never know when someone might come out of nowhere and hurt them while they are playing there.”

If you are feeling generous, you might further remind the children about crying wolf, in the terrible event that they do get hurt. But Miss Manners would not blame you if you decided to enjoy some quiet instead.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)