Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents started their family about 20 years after their siblings did, so our first cousins have several years on us.

At family gatherings as a young adult, I remember my cousins calling their aunts and uncles by their first names. My sister and I were expected to address our relatives using their titles, so for us to say “Mary, would you pass the salt?” rather than “Aunt Mary” never even crossed our minds.

My family could be very outspoken if they did not approve of something, and my elders never said anything about my cousins’ not using the titles. Still, I continued to address relatives by title through my 50s (I am now 60) and when reminiscing with my first and second cousins now.

Some of my second cousins have now stopped using the “aunt” and “uncle” titles. While it does bother me a bit in reference to my own parents, it didn’t bother them, so I shake it off as my being overly sensitive.

Does there come a point at which adult children are free to drop the titles when speaking to or about their aunts and uncles?

GENTLE READER: There came a point at which many aunts and uncles decided that being shown respect made them “feel old” -- as if they could otherwise disguise their ages -- and asked to have these titles dropped. Or parents who felt that way stopped teaching them.

Miss Manners finds those forms as charming as you do, and joins you in regretting that they are now infrequently used.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is planning, and paying for, a lovely but expensive wedding this fall. She would like to include a note in the information packet accompanying each invitation, whose wording we seek your help with.

She wants to indicate she and her fiance are staying up to date on social distancing recommendations, and would understand if people do not wish to attend the wedding for reasons of safety. But she also wants to state, in a polite but direct way, that the RSVP is essential to their planning so that they do not pay for guests who don’t show.

Have you any suggestions as to how she can word the note for maximum effect?

GENTLE READER: Here is how people interpret any attempt to say, “We’re inviting you, but you don’t have to come”: “They don’t really want me; they only want me to send a present.”

So forget that. It is up to your prospective guests to decide on their own whether to attend the wedding. They are certainly obligated to let you know their decisions, but as you and Miss Manners sadly know, many people rudely ignore invitations, sometimes even when they do actually intend to go.

Encouraging them to attend is, however, charming. In an informal letter, sent after the invitations, your daughter can note that she will be arranging social distancing and practicing other health precautions. That is the place to add a gentle nag to scofflaws: “We are hoping you will come, but haven’t yet heard.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-worker and I have been friends since she began working at our office several years ago. Our office has no windows, so, historically, when she would go outside for a cigarette break, she would invite me to stand with her and get out of the office for a few moments. (I do not smoke, so I stand upwind of her.) We have been very close and our friendship was very meaningful to me.

I was out sick for nearly a month with what was initially thought to be COVID (though I tested negative for it). That was probably the sickest I have ever been in my life. I was out of work for three weeks, trying to recover -- the longest I have ever been out of work due to sickness.

I have been back to work for over a month now, but since my return, this co-worker has been very cold and will not speak to me. She makes a point of asking someone else, within my hearing range, to walk outside with her for her smoke breaks. She goes out of her way to avoid me, and I have no idea why!

She had made vague mention of my illness, so I assured her I was much better, and that my antibody testing indicated I had not been infected with COVID.

She continues to be chilly and nearly rude most of the time. I have been as kind as possible and continue to speak nicely to her, and try to ignore the obvious slights at work.

How on earth do I handle this? I thought whatever she was upset about might blow over, but this behavior seems to be here to stay.

GENTLE READER: The prudent habit of social distancing should not be confused with an older, uglier propensity to shun the unfortunate, out of the feeling that misfortune of any kind could be contagious.

Your co-worker is practicing the latter. Were she seriously only afraid of contagion, she would be concerned about your health and anxious that you not interpret her distancing as callous.

As she has made no such moves, Miss Manners suggests that you cease imagining that this person is your friend and deal with her, to the extent necessary, in a formal and professional manner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When meeting a woman for the first time in social circumstances, is it appropriate to give a quick handshake, a crisp smile and say “Charmed”? Or is such a phrase no longer considered charming?

GENTLE READER: The smile is still necessary and the handshake is at least suspended until better days, when it may or may not be resumed. But as for saying “Charmed,” that was never right.

Miss Manners assures you that it is more flattering to declare a lady charming after you have begun to get to know her than to label her so automatically.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of over 10 years is a wonderful person, and has been my rock through extraordinarily challenging circumstances. I feel very fortunate that we’ve found each other, and I know he feels the same.

My concern is that he has a way of interacting with people -- including myself -- that could be described as rude. While it doesn’t come from a malicious place, his antagonistic behavior and words can be jarring, embarrassing and ultimately, hurtful to other people.

He’s made jokes that upset others -- never anything like using racial slurs or misogynistic language, but a general jokiness that can be anxiety-inducing. He will stare at people doing yoga in the park, and openly challenge others when he feels they’re confused or incorrect. I overheard him on a conference call openly contradicting a person of authority in front of others.

He sometimes corrects me publicly, so I have to stand up for myself and tell him that no, I’m correct and his assumptions are wrong. He then apologizes and laughs a bit, sometimes in a way that kind of puts me down. If I point it out to him later, privately, he feels very badly and apologizes sincerely.

I know he is a kind person who does not mean to hurt others, and that this is a reflection of his personal history, insecurity and neglectful upbringing. Plus, he has a diagnosed mental health disorder that can affect behavior and personality.

I can view him with compassion -- and, of course, I have my own flaws and behavioral challenges, which he patiently navigates. But others do not necessarily have access to all this information, which can help contextualize his behavior.

When it comes to other people, I’ve tried to point out how his behavior or words might impact others, and he almost always brushes me off and says I’m overly sensitive. I’m worried that this is affecting his relationships, both personal and professional. In fact, I know it is. As his partner, I feel I have a duty to help him see the light, but he has basically set a boundary asking me not to correct him anymore, and so I feel like I must respect that. But I can’t knock this feeling that I’m supposed to be helping him.

Should I keep trying to help him adjust his behavior, or do as he asks and leave him alone? If you recommend the latter, is there anything I can do, indirectly, to point out a more productive and polite way of interacting with others?

GENTLE READER: Speak for yourself.

Miss Manners is not being flippant; she is genuinely advising you to speak to him only about his behavior toward you, not toward others. He will soon learn, if he hasn’t already, that his methods are tactless -- and that he is alienating others and perhaps even jeopardizing his career.

If he has been genuinely remorseful when you have pointed out hurt feelings or embarrassment, stay the course and continue to do so -- but for your own sanity, try not to listen in on his conference calls.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)