Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a work friend who calls me every day. Since social distancing began in March, our place of work has been closed. My friend lives alone and has always depended upon our workplace as their sole means of social interaction and access to the internet.

They do not have a computer at home, and they take pride in their “non-smart” flip phone. Their only source of information is the TV. When Friend calls, they want to know everything I have done during my day. Then they angrily rehash all of the day’s COVID-19 news and other disasters.

Sometimes I just can’t bear the thought of speaking with them, and let the call roll to voicemail. After a few days, I feel guilty and call them, only to get an accusatory, “Why didn’t you pick up? Where have you been?” (As if I could be anywhere but at home during this pandemic.)

I feel as if I am one of Friend’s only lifelines during this crisis. I don’t want to be cruel or cause any mental health issues by ignoring them or denying them the opportunity for human conversation, but their daily needy calls are making me stressed and depressed.

I should have nipped this in the bud long ago, but did not. How can I politely set healthy boundaries for both of us while not feeling like a terrible person for wanting less contact?

GENTLE READER: Your desire to help a co-worker drowning in isolation is admirable, and your desire not to be pulled under with them, understandable. What balance to strike will have to depend on your available time and your patience.

Once you have made a decision about how much you can do, Miss Manners counsels you to stick to it -- rather than wasting more time questioning yourself. This will be easier if the friend is rude enough to take a tone with you for not calling back sooner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a good friend who has an unfortunate habit of going on very long and passionate monologues about her place of employment. She obviously cares about her experiences there, but chapter and verse about every corporate maneuver and internal political issue is not of great interest to her companions.

I imagine that if this occurred at a dinner party, the host could invite her into the kitchen for some help in order to interrupt, but this isn’t possible elsewhere (or if the host isn’t willing to try this ploy). Is there a polite and sensitive method for bringing these monologues to an end?

GENTLE READER: There are as many ways to change the subject as there are subjects to change. If all else fails, Miss Manners recommends expressing sympathy to your friend for so obviously hating her job. She will protest that this is not the case, to which you can apologize for misunderstanding -- it just seemed so clear to you from her vehemence and how much it seems to be on her mind.

If you repeat this at regular intervals, your friend will become as tired of this accusation as you are of her stories of office politics.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a bosom buddy who loves to cook. Unfortunately, every time I eat her cooking, I suffer enormous intestinal distress.

For some time now, I have avoided eating at her house by scheduling my visits with her at times when I can reasonably say I have already eaten, but now she invites me over saying, “Come hungry.”

I couldn’t think of any way out of a recent invitation, so I accepted and had a meal with her. Inevitably, I got sick. What would have been the polite way to avoid eating at her house? She rarely goes to restaurants, and especially not now.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette exists to avoid confessions like, “I value our friendship, but your food makes me throw up.”

This should be relatively simple: You express disappointment that you are -- for no specified reason -- unavailable; your buddy accepts this answer gracefully.

Miss Manners realizes that, in reality, your other friends are urging you to be honest, while your would-be host will not stop asking what you will be doing at that time. When everyone sees staying the course as a virtue, without regard to oncoming traffic, collisions are unavoidable.

You have two good options: Get used to hearing yourself say how sorry you are that you cannot attend -- or find something among the food provided that you can eat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When and how is it polite to tell a casual contact that there is a glaring typo on their business card, website or other promotional materials?

Here are just a few examples I have seen: “Family RESOURSE Center” on a business card from a mass-networking event; “We Provide EXPEREINCED help” on a proudly displayed banner in a temp placement office; “Estimated Texas Population in 2040 -- 50 BILLION” on a PowerPoint presentation.

I figure people might want to know so they can correct it, but I don’t want to sound pushy or arrogant. Also, some of these are people who might hire me, so there’s the added question of, “Will this be a positive indicator of how conscientious I am, or a negative indicator of how nit-picking I am?”

GENTLE READER: Most people will assume the latter -- or worse. They may tack on “rude” (when they remember it is impolite to correct another person in such situations) and “superior.” (The latter will not be about your spelling -- which is superior -- but rather an invented crime to hide their own embarrassment.)

Miss Manners says this to convince you that, in most cases, you will simply have to look the other way (or “weigh” or “whey”). The exception is if you can find a non-insulting way to offer your services as an editor -- and to have that offer willingly accepted. “Oh, I just looked up some of those figures in my own presentation. Do you want me to look over yours?”

The misspellings can then be fixed as part of the larger task. This will demonstrate not only that you know how to spell, but also that you are adept at saving a potential boss from her own mistakes without embarrassing her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an adult woman, over 50 years of age, single and living alone in a home I’ve owned for many years. Once again, my mother called to tell me that “WE” got an invitation in the mail -- addressed to my mother, at her home, with my name listed below hers.

The senders could have called our mutual relatives for my address. They could have found it with a very quick online search. Or they could have simply texted me, as I know they have my cellphone number!

WHY, oh why, would someone treat a mature adult like a child in this way? (It is not a matter of frugality, which might be understandable.) This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, although it never happens to my siblings. Is it because they are married?

Is it because my mother is elderly and doesn’t drive and they are inviting me to chauffeur Mother to the event? If that’s the case, 1. Why are they assigning that duty to me and not one of my siblings? (In this case, they know my sister is attending.) And 2. Don’t I still deserve my own invitation?

It upsets me more than it should, because it continues to happen. It seems impossible to keep it from happening; one can only react when it does. I try hard not to, but sometimes I think, since the hostess doesn’t feel I’m worth an invitation/postage, then maybe the event isn’t worth my time and a gift isn’t worth my hard-earned money.

What should I do? Should I text the hostess and give her my address? That seems odd, as we don’t text often. I’m very tempted to send my RSVP to the hostess’ own parents’ address! I think that might get my point across. Please, Miss Manners, tell me I can!

GENTLE READER: With the object of showing her how mature you are?

As is sometimes the case, we have here two problems: the surface problem and the inner one, where you fret that it was prompted by an insulting evaluation of you.

Miss Manners would much prefer to deal with the surface issue: Ask your mother to answer for herself, adding that she doesn’t know if you will be attending, but here is your address.

Hosts do not issue invitations for the purpose of insulting prospective guests. When they do not bother to assemble a correct guest list -- resorting to such designations as “and family” or “and guest” -- they are being thoughtless.

That is bad enough. But if they were thoughtless enough not to ascertain your proper address, you may be sure that neither were they thinking about whether you are married or who is going to drive. Possibly they had your siblings’ addresses because they had once sent them wedding presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a postcard invitation to a “Mail Baby Shower” while all of us are in this pandemic. I’m trying to think it through whether or not this is tacky.

GENTLE READER: Not quite as tacky as it would have been last year.

Miss Manners appreciates that it may not be possible now to hold such an event as an in-person gathering. But stripping it of any socializing, so that it is nothing more than a solicitation for presents, is crude. The hosts should think of some virtual way to show that they value contact with their guests, or it will still be tacky.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)