DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a person is facing someone behaving badly, your advice is invariably to politely/quietly distance yourself from that person. This is certainly excellent for avoiding a confrontation, but also does very little to actually improve the situation in the future.

As a society, we enforce good manners socially (and very rarely legally), but if we constantly avoid confrontation, how can that enforcement actually work?

Avoidance/mild comments do send a message, but many times these behaviors are not practical -- nor, frankly, are they obvious enough (without being rude) to actually influence poor behavior.

I am not asking permission to be rude or unnecessarily confrontational, but there must be some middle ground. How do we successfully operate in that middle ground without unintentionally being rude?

GENTLE READER: No, no, Miss Manners must first correct your premise. She cannot even imagine a life in which there are no confrontations. It would have to be either unbelievably conflict-free, or hopelessly amoral and spineless.

The key questions about confrontations are “why” and “how.”

One problem, as you realize, is how to stand up forcefully for oneself or one’s principles without stooping to rudeness. But there is also an intensely practical aspect: Does the form of confrontation serve the purpose? Will it change bad behavior?

In some cases -- as, for example, when citizens strive for a systemic change -- it takes perseverance and fortitude. In others -- such as dealing with one’s bigoted old uncle -- the wiser course may be to refrain from prodding him by keeping off the offensive subjects. And scolding strangers in the street just makes them act worse.

In none of these situations does rudeness lead to success. That is why official arenas handling conflict --courts, legislatures, sports -- have strict etiquette rules so that both sides are supposed to restrain from unproductive antagonisms.

Protesters win adherents by cultivating empathy, not by attacking potential supporters. Individuals are not open to instruction from people who do not show them some basic respect.

Typically, when Miss Manners advises avoiding confrontation, it is in situations where there is nothing to be gained -- and possibly much to lose, as these often escalate to fights and possibly violence. Sometimes it is an associate with whom a conflict would be unproductive as well as disruptive. Nowadays, the most common instance is the person who wants to chastise a stranger for not wearing a mask, but whose presence is exactly what must be avoided.

Miss Manners’ advice is not to be understood as a failure to defend oneself or to stand up for what is right. While it is meant to discourage unnecessary abrasiveness in everyday life, it is also meant to discourage wasting emotion counterproductively. And letting offensive or unsafe people get in your face.

Yet she thoroughly understands the satisfaction of registering objections to misbehavior. That is why she is happy to supply polite ways of doing so: responding to unwarranted criticism with “I’m glad you like it,” and to nosiness with “Thank you for your interest in my private business.” These can provide dignified withdrawal from what are obviously losing battles.

Inevitably, some Gentle Reader will then denounce these approaches as “passive-aggressive.” Not really; the point is clearly made. And we could all use a little less aggressive-aggressive.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I married my beautiful wife two years ago. We are both professionals in our early 30s in the business world. She is two years older than me. About a year ago, she had an accident and now has to use a cane -- something she will probably have to do for the rest of her life. My wife also dresses very modestly, which is an attribute that I love about her and I would never want her to change.

Whenever we are out in public or meet new clients, I’ve had people refer to her as my mother instead of my wife.

How do I respond to people when they make an assumption that my wife is my mother? Most people do not do it with any malicious intent, but it does lead to some awkward moments. I don’t want to cause further embarrassment to those people, or make my wife feel bad -- which she has on several occasions.

GENTLE READER: Look around as if the person is seeing someone that you do not, and say, “Oh, no, my mother couldn’t be here.” And then Miss Manners suggests that you pause and say as a separate thought, “Allow me to introduce my wife, Esmerelda.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman with moderate-to-severe hearing loss. I am very open about being hard of hearing, and tell people so it’ll be easier on both of us communicating.

Yet throughout my life, I’ve dealt with comments about how I talk; cruel jokes to “test” my hearing; fake, crude sign-language jokes; accusations of being stuck up or rude; and even name-calling, in response to “ignoring” someone I honestly didn’t hear.

When I ask people if they could repeat themselves or please look at me while talking, I am often met with “never mind” or “I’ll tell you later.” Some people have even taken my husband aside and told him to put me on disability, as though I were too incompetent to make my own decisions. Is there a way to politely deal with such people?

GENTLE READER: “I appreciate your concern” -- particularly when their so-called concern is in the form of rude jokes, insults or unhelpful suggestions -- “but there are some things I am better off not hearing. If you could kindly speak up, I am sure that I would be better able to respond to any polite remarks you might make.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked by a friend to be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding! She and I are both wondering, however, how to handle breaking this news to others in our friend circle who are not included in the small wedding party (and who are attending the wedding). I’m hoping you can recommend suggestions for phrasing and timing, as it will eventually become evident.

GENTLE READER: There is no kind way to say, “Sorry, you just aren’t special enough of a friend to stand up at my wedding.” As you said, it will become evident -- and if it is a small wedding party, the ranking and reasoning for it will be implied.

Allowing the others to accept the oversight graciously (i.e., hearing by word of mouth and without a formal decree) is the only way to handle it. Any hurt feelings will likely be pacified when the others realize the financial pressure and duties that they have narrowly escaped. Miss Manners suggests that you do them the added favor of not suggesting that they contribute anyway.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a woman asks a man over to dinner, is it good manners for the man to say, “I am too busy to come eat, but I will take your leftovers”?

I think it is really poor manners, but another lady I know says it depends on how good of friends you are. I say it is just wrong.

GENTLE READER: Unless this woman works at a drive-through or a charity, this counter-suggestion is insulting and unacceptable, no matter how good the friend. Miss Manners suggests that the hostess answer, “I was asking in order to enjoy your company, not for the chance to cook, but thank you. Perhaps we can reschedule when you have more time.” The second sentence is optional.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agreed to babysit my friend’s daughter. When they arrived at my home, my 8-year-old daughter was enjoying lunch while video chatting with her great-aunt.

When my friend eventually greeted my daughter, five minutes after she arrived (after she and I had finished our own conversation), she began to gently scold my daughter, saying to her that when someone enters a room, she should stop what she is doing and greet them.

The great-aunt who was on video chat with my daughter became upset, and said to my friend that my daughter is having a conversation with an adult, and that they should give her time to finish her conversation and then she would be able to greet them. The entire situation was uncomfortable for both my daughter and me.

What would be appropriate for an 8-year-old child, in greeting other adults, when an elder adult has her attention?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that live human beings should take precedence over electronics, the lines are now blurred between who is present in the flesh and who is virtually present enough to be chiming in, as your relative did.

It could be argued that someone who is on the telephone, for example, would be temporarily excused as long as the primary host was free to welcome the visitors. Yet anyone present should acknowledge them, if only with a nod -- so would that include the great-aunt?

What Miss Manners can say unequivocally is that the visitor was doubly rude in chastising your daughter and in doing so in front of her family members. Nothing to be done about it now, but just in case it makes you feel better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This may seem counterintuitive, but what is a polite way to respond to people who converse with you, but like to use foul language? For example, they say, “What the (bleep) does it matter where we go?” We have friends who are good people, but it seems they use foul language frequently.

GENTLE READER: How about a frequent and well-placed wince?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)