Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the age of COVID-19 and social distancing, the number of social events where one may meet a prospective mate has significantly diminished. Because of that, online dating has lately become one of my primary ways of meeting people.

Historically, as a guy, I would look at the photos/profiles of particular females that I would like to meet, then I would reach out to them to see if they would like to link up for a phone conversation or maybe coffee. At least 90% of them do not respond, and I have sent so many that I tend to be numb if I don’t get a response.

Rarely, a female will reach out to me and try to set something up. If I’m not interested in this person, I still feel obligated to acknowledge the offer and decline it out of some sense of courtesy -- even though that is not my experience when the tables are reversed. I never get a “Thank you for asking, but no thank you” from a female.

Because of that, I was wondering if in fact I was obligated by etiquette to acknowledge the “reach out.” And if so, what’s the best way to tactfully decline their request to get together?

GENTLE READER: Civilians -- by which, in this case, Miss Manners means “everyone but herself” -- tend to assume too quickly that new technology requires new etiquette. As in, “Do I really have to answer Grandma’s text since she never looks at her phone anyway?”

But the problem you pose is genuinely new. In the old days, when Aunt Rose’s friend’s daughter Brittany called you, your familial obligations to Aunt Rose extended to Brittany, requiring some response. The gentlest answer -- that you are so pleased to be introduced, but that Aunt Rose was unaware that you are not looking to date right now -- is difficult to use when you are registered on a dating site.

But not impossible. Congratulations if you can keep a straight face while answering, “I’m so sorry, but I’m no longer available, I just forgot to take down my profile.” If you cannot, Miss Manners reluctantly condones not answering, on the theory that business etiquette does not require responses to those calling -- metaphorically, in this case -- to sell you something.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is turning 60 and having a birthday party. She doesn’t need money, so I made a $60 donation to a good charity in her name.

But when the acknowledgement card came, it did not have the amount of the gift on it. Would it be tacky for me to write in “$60 in honor of your 60th birthday,” or should I just leave the amount a mystery?

GENTLE READER: Paying $60 for a 60th birthday party strikes Miss Manners -- and probably would strike your friend -- as less clever than you are hoping. This leaves her to wonder if the clarification is worth the effort. An actual gift that showed some thought for your friend’s interests would be ever so much cleverer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on the worship committee for my church, and we’ve had online Zoom services since March.

I often notice that during the service, people are eating, texting, getting up and down from their seats, talking to others and doing other varied activities that are suited to a living room but NOT A CHURCH SERVICE.

I find this rude to the people who have invested time and energy into providing the service. We on the committee are creating a “protocol” to share with the congregation to attempt to get them to behave, well, as if they’re at a church service.

Would you offer us suggestions on the wording, please?

GENTLE READER: Please do not think that Miss Manners is deserting you -- or propriety -- when she asks you to consider why this is happening.

Presumably, these people behaved when they were actually in church, or you would have mentioned it. Now they are in a living room. Or a kitchen. Or a bedroom. However solemn the content, the experience is like watching television. You are probably not expecting them to dress up.

So approach this knowing that they are not being intentionally rude. To persuade them to change, you must explain why:

“While we are unable to be in church, we would still like to maintain our usual decorum. If you must plan to do other things during the service -- for example, eating, texting or talking -- please turn off your camera and microphone.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have followed always your guidance that I should say “Congratulations” to bridegrooms and “Best wishes” to brides.

However, I was recently in a meeting with a colleague who said she had been recently married. (She brought up the subject to explain that her name was changing.) I said “Best wishes,” but it felt awkward.

My first thought was that the tradition carries a vague sense of condescension based on the fact that she is a woman, and perhaps the tradition is no longer as charming as it once was.

My second thought was that perhaps I shouldn’t even say something as perfunctory as “Best wishes” to someone I know professionally, rather than personally. (I was not, after all, a guest at the wedding.) Can you kindly help me resolve my feeling of being incorrect?

GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners must thank you for being probably the only person in the world besides herself who makes this distinction. Her own fondness for it is because the condescension is in the other direction: It was based on the idea that the bridegroom is to be congratulated on his good fortune, but that the bride IS that good fortune, and therefore should only be wished well.

But even without the gender factor, why do you consider it perfunctory to wish anyone well? Perhaps it has become devalued now that many use “Best wishes,” or just “Best,” instead of “Yours sincerely” or “Yours truly” to close letters.

You could bolster it by grabbing the bride’s hands and saying, “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but perhaps that is not perfunctory enough -- especially if others are behind you, waiting to congratulate her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: All I see on social media lately are photos of awesomeness: beautiful meals, precocious kids, exciting outdoorsy vacations with ecstatic partners. It depresses me. Though I’m very fortunate in a lot of ways, I’m lonely. I live alone and haven’t socialized in person since March. Many more people, of course, are in much more dire situations than I am. So showing off strikes me as insensitive.

Yes, I know I should get off social media, but I get neighborhood news that way, plus I want to know if anyone I care about needs help or someone to talk to -- that’s happened a few times during the pandemic.

I think it’s tacky to post nonstop photos of perfect-adorable-awesomeness during a pandemic. Do you agree, or do you think I’m just bitter and jealous?

GENTLE READER: When you were a tad, did your parents explain to you that advertisements should not be taken as literal truth? And have you not discovered that much of what people post are advertisements for themselves?

But suppose it is all true, and many people are thriving in these times -- leading glorious lives despite the pandemic. Do you really wish your friends ill instead?

Miss Manners has never understood why misery should want company. Surely misery should prefer a bit of cheer to lighten its gloom?

In any case, it will never lighten if you keep comparing yourself to others, because you can always find someone who is richer, better looking, smarter, or eating better meals. Please stop thinking of it as a contest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year has been a time of exceptional hardship for many families across the globe. However, 2020 has been a great year for me. After years of being a single parent, I’ve met an incredible partner. We recently bought a home and are blending our families.

How does one tactfully share good news while being mindful about the hardships that others are facing this year? I don’t want to come across as insensitive.

GENTLE READER: The same way that you should be announcing this under normal circumstances: without crowing, and certainly without making comparisons.

Miss Manners advises something more like, “Garth and I have bought a house, where we will be moving with the children,” than “Wow, we’re so lucky! In these terrible times, we found a wonderful house and are starting our new family life together.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wrote my grandmother a letter, but wasn’t sure how to address it. I have always called her “Gigi,” and started the letter as such, but I wasn’t sure what to put on the envelope. I ended up just writing her full name out, but it seems wrong.

Should I do “Mrs. Full Name”? For reference, my grandfather died last year and their letters usually had a return address of “Mr. & Mrs. Grandfather’s Name.”

GENTLE READER: That you wrote your grandmother an actual letter, instead of texting her, shows that you are sensitive to varying conventions and expectations.

So while your grandmother doubtlessly treasured your letter, Miss Manners is glad you asked. Honorifics should be used on envelopes, and widowhood does not change the lady’s form of address. If your grandmother had previously been addressed as “Ms. Hilda Newberry,” that would still be right. But as she used “Mrs. Orville Newberry,” that is still the way to address her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)