DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out that when my mother-in-law asks for gifts, she asks for things that she would not buy for herself. This came up because she recently mentioned that she never orders from a specific brand because it is so overpriced.

She had asked for, and I gave her, something from that brand last Christmas. I am insulted that she feels it suitable for others to spend their money on things that she thinks are not a good value, especially since that gift has gone unused since last Christmas.

I realize Miss Manners does not like gift registries of any sort, but since they are a common reality, what is the proper etiquette for what goes on them? I personally never list anything that I would not buy for myself, whether it be the cheapest asparagus tongs or the finest silk scarf.

GENTLE READER: Isn’t it the object of presents to give someone something she would not buy for herself?

By accepting the “common reality” of allowing people to choose their own presents, thus neatly eliminating the need to be thoughtful, you have waived the objection to people stating what they really want.

It is true that what passes for thoughtfulness is now, instead, for the prospective recipient to consider the spending ability of those she hopes will do her shopping.

Do you wonder that Miss Manners considers all this a perversion of generosity and gratitude?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often find myself caught off-guard by family members who don’t invite me to functions, but still make me feel guilty.

I was not invited to my niece’s 50th birthday dinner. When I was talking to her brother (my nephew), he bluntly told me that they’re going to a local restaurant for dinner. The phone went silent on my end, because I didn’t know anything about it and I really didn’t know how to respond. Then, after a long pause, he said, “It’s her 50th birthday!!”

I felt like he was going out of his way to make me feel bad. I just said the first thing that came to mind, which was, “Aren’t you afraid to go out to a restaurant amidst COVID?” He said no, then I said, “I can’t do that. I’m afraid of going out.” Then he dropped it.

But I was not even invited to this party. How should I have handled it?

My husband can’t be in the same room with my family because he doesn’t like them, so they’re used to me making excuses not to attend family gatherings. But at the same time, they fail to invite me and then say things like that to make me feel bad.

GENTLE READER: Well, you could start attending family events, with or without your husband, when the conditions are safe. Or you could even host one to show that you want to be included.

Otherwise, Miss Manners does not understand your complaint: You stopped accepting invitations and your relatives stopped issuing them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dog chased my 6-year-old son in our new neighborhood, and when my husband went over to talk to the dog’s owner, we were assured it wouldn’t happen again. Then the dog chased my son again -- and bit him -- the next week.

After I reported the bite (on the advice of my child’s pediatrician), animal control came out to take reports and quarantine the dog, as per their protocol. Then the dog’s owner came over to chew me out for reporting the bite, rather than to apologize and ask about my son’s well-being.

A week or two later, I told the dog’s owner how scared my kids are to go by their house -- not because of the dog, but because of the “mean scary lady.” A few days after that, while we were out for the day, she left a present for my son, and a couple of notes about how bad she feels. We were all set to make up, until the next day, when my son rode by her house and she called out to him, “Say thank you.”

I am so angry again. She is a grandma, and I feel she should know better. I don’t want my kids anywhere near her -- ever. Do we owe her a thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: To whom do you hope to teach manners -- your neighbor or your son?

The neighbor sounds like a poor prospect, so Miss Manners suggests directing the instruction to your son. The lesson here would be: “We behave well, even when other people don’t.”

This does not mean that you have to be silent victims. You rightly reported the dog bite. By calling her a “scary lady,” rather than some epithets that probably sprang to your mind, you were only reporting your son’s reaction. All within the bounds of politeness -- and your point was made, resulting in an apology and a present.

Then, having finally done the right thing, your neighbor craved acknowledgment. It was rude of her to ask for thanks, but then, you already knew that she was new to good behavior.

Presents do require thanks. Surely you do not want to teach your son that he need not do the right thing if others do not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to start addressing Christmas cards. In this ever-changing world, I don’t know the proper way to address envelopes. Please help. Until now, I knew that if I were addressing a doctor and his wife, the address would read, “Dr. and Mrs. John Smith.” But how should the address read if the woman has the professional title, and not the man?

Also, with so many gay marriages, how would I address a letter to two men or two women? And what if the couple has chosen one surname? These modern times have me quite perplexed.

GENTLE READER: But it is so simple. All you need is another line on the envelope:

“Dr. Jasmine Wright/Mr. Rocco Wright.” “Ms. Lily Hunter/Ms. Isabelle Groton.” Or, on one line, “The Messrs. Everett and Luke Hampshire.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Coming upon a stranger in the rain, I offered to share my large umbrella with her. She came underneath the umbrella and said, “I suppose that you say that to all pretty ladies.”

I was shocked to have a gesture of simple humanity framed as sexual predation. I said, “Yes, indeed, ma’am. And to all ugly ladies, as well. And also all pretty gentlemen, and ugly gentlemen, too, come to think of it.”

We walked on without another word until parting ways at the next intersection. Naturally, she never thanked me.

Miss Manners can hardly disapprove of affording shelter from the rain to any person, pretty or otherwise, who appears to be in need. Should I have withdrawn the umbrella after her comment, while adding, “Handsome is as handsome does”?

GENTLE READER: Romantic comedies -- and predatory men -- have all but ruined the chivalrous gesture. However, you need not interpret your umbrella companion’s remark as rude. Is it possible that she thought she had suddenly found herself in a “meet cute” and was attempting to be charming in a way that complimented herself, rather than denigrating you?

However, if your suspicions are correct, it is worth noting that we are currently in a climate in which male motivations have proven suspect, particularly when it comes to strangers approaching females unsolicited.

That does not justify retaliating as though your character had been attacked. A reasonable response might have been, “Oh! Well, I was really just trying to protect a fellow human being from the rain ...” letting it trail off, lest you travel down an unwinnable path toward rating her relative beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My name is Elena, and I am typing this question on behalf of Sasha (my daughter/employer). I will pass on any reply.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to eat crackers? I want to know, because my brother is an extremely messy cracker eater, and I want to set a good example for him. And this is really difficult, because I am only 6 years old and he is 2, and he eats plums very badly, and also peaches, and any type of fruit.

Thank you for writing the big book called “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” because I’ve been reading it.

Love from,

Sasha

GENTLE READER: All of the foods you describe are indeed difficult to eat neatly, each for their own reason. Crackers make crumbs, and peaches and plums often create unsightly juice-covered chins.

For the latter, Miss Manners recommends that you and your brother politely ask your mother/employee to cut the fruit into wedges, rather than attempt to bite into it like an apple. As for crackers, they are best eaten in small bites and not by the fistful, with a napkin or plate placed underneath to catch any falling debris.

Miss Manners would like to add that, having admirably fulfilled her duties as messenger and food preparer, your mother surely deserves a raise. Although having such a conscientious and well-read daughter is presumably reward enough.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)