Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my friend’s computer was broken, she asked if she could come to my house to attend an online meeting that I, too, was attending. I said yes, and jokingly said that I believed the rule is that if you leave the house to attend an online meeting, you must wear pants. She wrote back, “Under- or outer-?”

I was loath to commit to an answer. I know that there are instances when these categories blur.

Can you explain the manner of dressing that might be expected of a guest who has come over specifically to attend an online event where attendees will be seated, and whether the online event or the visit should guide the host’s attire?

GENTLE READER: The simple answer is to dress for the meeting, as the host is merely providing an entrance to that. But also not to violate decency laws by leaving home without pants.

However, Miss Manners considers the real problem here to be that it is time to retire that joke about not wearing pants when their absence will not be visible. You tried it, and your friend tried to make a joking reply, but neither went over. We are all very tired of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve never been part of a cache of friends and couples who have methodically gone through the marriage and parenthood thing. But where did the “gender reveal” ritual come from? And why does it exist, except to net gifts? Why do expectant parents believe it is so important to announce the sex of their baby? It used to be they were just happy to birth a healthy child.

In a typically American way, gender reveals have gotten grandiose and out of hand. One gender reveal party used a smoke machine for effect, which started a fire in California that burned tens of thousands of acres.

Why do these couples believe they are the first to ever birth babies? If anyone’s listening, Miss Manners, you should say, “Don’t be so stupid!”

You expect a lot from people. I can imagine your disappointment.

GENTLE READER: Thank you; Miss Manners would like to take a moment to weep on your sympathetic shoulder.

She would be all for inventing new ways to entertain friends, if only they weren’t all connected with the expectation of raking in presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a pretty large building, where we are all working toward the same goal. We pass each other in the halls many times a day. Is it rude to NOT say hello (or a similar greeting) every time we see each other? I’m thinking the first time we encounter one another should be sufficient. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, a smile would be enough for subsequent encounters. But as Miss Manners presumes you are wearing a mask, a quick hand wave should do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it right that my niece insists on “no masks” at her wedding? She even has a friend watching for masks as people enter the church!!!

GENTLE READER: Only if she has friends who are so eager to see her married that they are willing to risk their health.

Miss Manners hopes that prospective guests will be notified in advance so that they need not dress up, complete with what is now considered a conventional accessory, only to be turned away at the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each year, I host my women friends at an open house holiday party in my home. Most of us are in our 60s or older, and are understandably cautious about inside gatherings these days.

I can seat five or six ladies at the proper distance inside my living room, and if we are fortunate to have nice enough weather, I can seat a slightly larger number outside. Would it be terribly tacky to go ahead with my plans, but send a sign-up sheet and have the ladies indicate the time they plan to come so that I won’t go over the limit? Or should I just give up my plans until things are hopefully better in 2021?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners would be sorry to have you give up, what if your friends are all polite enough to respond immediately? Are you really going to tell some that they didn’t still make the cut?

Fortunately, there is precedent for staggering the arrival of guests at an open house, which, in normal times, might include a great many more people. For example, some invitations would say “2 to 4,” and some “4 to 6,” or even “5 to 7” if you think the early people might stick around too long.

As yours will be small parties for close friends, and they will understand the necessity for keeping the gatherings small, you could be flexible about allowing them to change time slots.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As usual, I am receiving a few Christmas cards that are coming custom-printed with such sentiments as “Merry Christmas from The Johnson Family,” or “Happy Holidays from The Andersons,” instead of being hand-signed.

While I have always found these cards to be somewhat impersonal, I am willing to accept the notion that some people feel a custom-printed card is “classy,” and I am especially willing to excuse them if they’ve taken the time to hand-address the envelope.

The straw that breaks my back is when the cards come from people who use a computer to create address labels, which is, to me, the height of impersonal.

I am writing for your permission to feel slightly insulted when I receive a card from someone whose annual Christmas-card-sending ritual doesn’t even include picking up a pen.

GENTLE READER: Permission denied. But if you want to reverse this, Miss Manners will approve. She admires a prettily hand-addressed envelope as much as anyone, but there is nothing classy about withholding a personal touch, and the place for that is in the card itself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I underwent major surgery last year. I am recovering well, but it will, of course, take time to be up and moving normally. I live alone, having recently moved to the other side of the country for graduate school.

The people I have met over the last year have been so wonderful! I have had people bring me meals, help me run errands, clean my house and even walk my dog! I could not have asked for a better support network.

I want to acknowledge their kindness and generosity in some way, but am at a loss. Prior to quarantine, I would have hosted a thank-you dinner for everyone, but that is now unwise for their safety and mine. I am also a student, so gift cards (or even moderately priced gifts) are cost-prohibitive for me.

Please, how can I show these people just how much their love and care has meant to me?

GENTLE READER: Write them letters. Those do not cost anything and mean so much. In them, express the desire to reciprocate the kindness should the need arise -- and to get together once restrictions are lifted and your health is restored.

Miss Manners assures you that handwritten letters will have longer-lasting effects than big box store gift cards or strongly scented candles. Well, perhaps not the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have several nieces and nephews. When one of my nieces was the first to get married several years ago, we gave the couple a modest monetary gift. When the next got married, we could afford to give that couple a substantially larger monetary gift.

Another niece is about to be married, and I would like to give the couple the larger amount, but I would also like to “make up the difference” for the first couple so that we are giving equitably to everyone.

What is the correct way to augment the original gift? We will all be at the next wedding (assuming it is safe to do so). Could we give the first couple a card with the additional amount? I am at a loss as to what sentiment would be appropriate to write.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps the balance due to the first couple could be offset by accounting for the inflation that has devalued the subsequent, higher amounts relative to the first.

No, Miss Manners is being facetious. You are concerned that your nieces and nephews know that you love them equally. Etiquette solves this problem with a polite fiction: that all gifts are equally heartfelt.

It is for this reason that price tags are removed before bestowing presents, and it is one of many reasons that Miss Manners objects to cash gifts. Sending the balance to the first niece retroactively invalidates the original gift -- ”I was shortchanged!”

Better to send that niece a nicer-than-usual, non-cash present, with an affectionate, handwritten letter, for her next birthday or anniversary. It will be remembered long after the cash is forgotten.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)