Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have cancer. I live in a fairly small town with a fairly small hospital. There is only one oncology practice, with only one oncologist. The next town is not close.

At my last appointment, the doctor and I were both wearing masks. The hospital does not let anyone into the building without a mask and temperature test. I said something that was a little muffled that I had to repeat. Pointing to his mask, the oncologist said, “These masks don’t do anything anyway. They don’t help; they’re just for show.”

This is a doctor whose patients are virtually all immunocompromised, since most cancer drugs wipe out our white cell count. If this man doesn’t believe masks work, why would he take precautions outside of the hospital?

Gossip spreads easily around here, and I am afraid to say anything to anyone about this for fear he would likely find out who “complained.” As I said, there is no other oncologist in town.

GENTLE READER: Doctors and hospitals are supposed to be more discreet than the average resident, but Miss Manners understands both your concern and your urgency. As the goal is to hide in plain sight, she can offer two solutions: sharing all of your concerns with someone in authority whom you trust -- your general practitioner, perhaps -- and asking that person to act, discreetly, on your behalf; or mobilizing fellow patients to crowd the hospital administration with multiple, identical complaints.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I get a co-worker to wear a mask in our workplace, which supposedly requires masks at all times? I’ve already complained to her supervisor and the HR department.

GENTLE READER: Co-workers -- by which Miss Manners means workers of equal rank, not the faux charm with which the boss who just gave you a bad performance review introduces you as his co-worker -- have limited authority, either from HR or Miss Manners, to boss one another around.

They have still less ability to enforce behavioral changes. If neither the boss nor HR are willing to address your understandable, and serious, concern, then they should be asked if they can relocate you to a safe (not, please note, “a safer”) environment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a not-for-profit agency that provides grants to health care facilities to assist uninsured patients. I just received a lovely holiday gift from a group that we fund.

Although I am appreciative, I am somewhat offended by the gift, because the money used to purchase it could have been used more wisely. How can I graciously thank them and request that I not remain on their gift-giving list?

GENTLE READER: Given the gifting group’s dependence on your agency’s generosity, Miss Manners is not concerned that they will not listen when you object. She is concerned that they will hurt themselves in their haste to reassure you that they are neither misusing the funds you provided nor attempting to bribe your future generosity.

Call your contact at the group and say how much you appreciated the present. Then explain that your call has a second purpose: to suggest that they think of a way to express gratitude that does not cost money -- perhaps a handwritten letter, signed by their patients who have benefited from your agency’s largesse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married soon. Due to COVID, the wedding has been scaled down from 75 people to 20, and from four bridesmaids to one maid of honor.

After the wedding, my daughter wants to have her bridal bouquet dried and preserved. She was told to save as many flowers from the bouquet as possible, in order to ensure enough flowers make it to be preserved.

The bridal and maid of honor bouquets will look the same, so after the wedding, the bride wants to take both to ensure she has plenty of flowers to get preserved.

I feel the maid of honor’s bouquet belongs to her maid of honor and not to the bride, but my daughter says it belongs to her because she paid for it. I feel her one and only attendant will be hurt if she is not allowed to keep her own bouquet. Your thoughts, please.

GENTLE READER: Those thoughts are all with the poor bridegroom, about to join his life to that of someone who is ready to grab things away from her presumably best friend, and believes that money justifies her doing so.

Traditionally, it is the bridegroom, and not the bride, who buys the bride’s bouquet. So Miss Manners suggests that you tell him the problem. He can then order an enormous bouquet for her, presuming he does not run for the hills.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to simply stop responding to invitations from a group of friends after I have consistently declined over a period of time?

I’ve never felt close to a particular group of my high school friends, but they have get-togethers eight to 12 times per year, which I have attended on and off the 40 years since graduation. I would go, hoping I’d enjoy it “this time,” but rarely did.

I’ve been declining lately, but would rather just bow out completely and forever. I’m not doing them any favors with my halfhearted presence, and I’d rather just focus on the friends I am close to. At what point can I just ignore the email invites, if ever?

GENTLE READER: After your 40 years of infrequent attendance, your high school friends have been talking about dropping you from the list, Miss Manners assures you. But they are afraid that might hurt your feelings. And surely you do not want to hurt theirs.

So the easiest thing is to keep declining those invitations. No excuse is necessary. But if that is really too much of a nuisance, you could write to the organizer, saying that it is unfortunate that you keep missing their gatherings, but want them to know that you wish them all well -- a statement that is clearly associated with a lengthy departure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it more personal to use “to” or “for” (as in “A Gift For You”) on a gift tag?

GENTLE READER: Although she prefers to write “for,” Miss Manners is not one to quibble with good intentions and generous actions, especially those directed toward herself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During my morning video chats for work, my dad always wakes up late, makes lots of noise in the kitchen (where I work) and eats right in front of me.

He is a not-so-pleasant eater, and I can never unmute because they would hear him chewing. He walks right by me so that everyone can see him. I have asked him politely to move, but he says that this is the kitchen and so he is allowed.

I am not allowed to work anywhere else, due to my family’s workspaces. Can you help, please?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners cannot retrain your father, as, with the far greater claim of having to work, you have been unable to do. So let us shift to killing him with kindness.

Suppose you get up somewhat earlier, fix him a breakfast tray, and deliver it elsewhere, complete with covers or pots that will keep the food warm until he awakes. That way, you are doing him a favor, rather than asking him to do the minimal accommodation -- it can hardly be called a favor -- you require.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a healthy 73-year-old mother of two married daughters. Since the pandemic, I have been very careful, wearing a mask and following all the recommendations regarding being safe.

My younger daughter and her family agree with me and follow the rules. I see them, with precautions.

My older daughter and her husband believe COVID is a hoax and refuse to wear masks. I have not seen them in person since February, nor have her sister and family.

The older, less careful, daughter is hurt that we won’t see her. She argues that we are being too careful and masks are not needed. I think she and her husband should respect my position and wear masks in my presence, especially since I am a senior and her mother. Do you agree?

GENTLE READER: The issue here is not so much that your older daughter and her family do not believe in wearing masks; it is that they would rather forgo your company than yield to your request that they wear them for the short time of a visit. It seems to Miss Manners that they can hardly have a claim to being hurt when they have so flagrantly hurt you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 73-year-old female with a pleasant and young-sounding voice. I am in sales, and some of the men I speak with can get a little flirty before I actually meet them in person.

I would like to be able to say something that would tip them off that I’m (often) way older than they are before we meet. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: You could try using antique slang. But presuming that you are not yourself flirting during these calls, Miss Manners does not consider you responsible for failing to fulfill any hopes or fantasies these people may have developed during what is supposed to be a business call.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)