Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please say something about the rudeness of asking people how much money they make?

I have a relative who sees nothing wrong with doing this. Sometimes it’s done during a party he is hosting, and other times he just asks, even if there are others present. When I’ve pointed out (in private) that this is rude, he says, “But I want to know.”

Please expand on the personal nature of money and salaries. He reads your column.

GENTLE READER: We are all of us curious about things that are none of our business -- that is why secrets and search engines were invented.

Miss Manners’ mailbox is flooded with letters about people who think they are owed presents and financial assistance by friends and relatives who show evidence of being “loaded.” This rude practice does not need any assistance by asking outright.

You may therefore assure your relative that it is unequivocally impolite to ask anyone how much money they make. Even if he really wants to know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a world where families live in separate parts of the country, I have a hard time keeping up with members of my own, especially nieces and nephews. I am not on social media, but even if I were, that would not give me addresses to send birthday cards or baby gifts.

I have politely and repeatedly asked parents for details when they mention that Lily or Leo has a new house or baby. But physical addresses or the date of a birth are difficult to come by.

Are new address notices or birth announcements no longer done? I understand that the families may be too busy to write letters to an aunt, but I enjoy sending cards and small gifts when appropriate. I need an address to do so.

Miss Manners can be assured that I never have showed up on a doorstep without an invitation. Most of these persons are listed in my estate planning, but I may need to make some concessions if they cannot be located.

GENTLE READER: What a confusing threat. Miss Manners feels certain, however, that these seemingly elusive relatives would find a way to publish their addresses if they knew that there would be a reward for it. In fact, they would probably provide it now.

Forgive the obvious, but have you considered asking them? Yes, it is laborious and announcements would make it easier, but forging a connection by calling them is a much better way to preserve the relationship now -- rather than inexplicably leaving them out of your will long after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As much as I love hearing from folks and/or reaching out to them, there comes a time when the call should come to an end. How does one politely bring it to a close?

GENTLE READER: Not by saying “I will let you go,” although Miss Manners has noticed that is a popular one. The sentiment is correct -- acknowledging the other person’s time constraints, rather than your own; it is just the phrasing that is awkward and transparent.

Instead, she suggests, “Well, it was lovely to talk to you ...” with nothing following it, except perhaps a plan to talk another time. Even if that next time is vague.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a 20-year disagreement on how to properly handle the situation when someone has food on their face.

We both agree that you would begin by discreetly and gently telling the other person that they have something on their face. The disagreement arises in how to tell them WHERE the food is.

When directly facing the person, I have always pointed to the spot on my own face, as if looking in a mirror. This has worked for me for years -- with everyone except my husband. He insists that if I am pointing to my left cheek, he should reverse what he sees (thinking about which side of my own face I am pointing at) and subsequently try to remove the food from his left cheek. He claims that his way is more logical and that he does not have to think about it consciously.

We have agreed to let Miss Manners settle the case, should she choose to do so. Please tell us: Does etiquette dictate whether to “mirror” or not? Which does Miss Manners do?

GENTLE READER: There is no agreed-upon convention, but even if there were, the awkwardness of such exchanges almost guarantees some period of fumbling.

Miss Manners therefore applauds your attempt to limit what follows from devolving into, “No, you haven’t quite got it. No, almost, but it’s still there. No, a little lower. No, your cheek.”

However, she would adopt a somewhat more direct approach: Lift your hand in front of you, on the side that needs to be cleaned, but without extending your fingers. By thus pointing without pointing, you will clarify your intent without the rudeness of sticking a finger in someone else’s face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law recently brought her dog to stay in my home for two months while her family relocates. She also brought a cute, sturdy canvas tote stitched with the dog’s name, holding an extra leash, two harnesses and assorted treats and meds.

When we send the dog back to her, she asked if I would mail the bag of supplies as well. Like most dog-related goods, the bag and harnesses have gotten muddy and haven’t been washed in a while. I’d love to toss it all in the laundry as I do routinely with my own dogs’ things, and send it all back fresh.

If Miss Manners will take me at my word that I have absolutely no double intent, other than making my SIL’s move a little easier, I would appreciate it. But will my SIL find some offense?

GENTLE READER: Expert though she is on all things etiquette-related, Miss Manners has long ago given up trying to predict what will cause people to take offense when they are determined to do so.

That said, there is a simple solution to your problem. Call your sister-in-law and tell her what you intend to do. When you explain that the purpose of the call was to check if there was any reason to be concerned that the tote’s stitching might be damaged in the wash, you will have removed even the indefensible reason for her to take offense.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have cancer. I live in a fairly small town with a fairly small hospital. There is only one oncology practice, with only one oncologist. The next town is not close.

At my last appointment, the doctor and I were both wearing masks. The hospital does not let anyone into the building without a mask and temperature test. I said something that was a little muffled that I had to repeat. Pointing to his mask, the oncologist said, “These masks don’t do anything anyway. They don’t help; they’re just for show.”

This is a doctor whose patients are virtually all immunocompromised, since most cancer drugs wipe out our white cell count. If this man doesn’t believe masks work, why would he take precautions outside of the hospital?

Gossip spreads easily around here, and I am afraid to say anything to anyone about this for fear he would likely find out who “complained.” As I said, there is no other oncologist in town.

GENTLE READER: Doctors and hospitals are supposed to be more discreet than the average resident, but Miss Manners understands both your concern and your urgency. As the goal is to hide in plain sight, she can offer two solutions: sharing all of your concerns with someone in authority whom you trust -- your general practitioner, perhaps -- and asking that person to act, discreetly, on your behalf; or mobilizing fellow patients to crowd the hospital administration with multiple, identical complaints.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I get a co-worker to wear a mask in our workplace, which supposedly requires masks at all times? I’ve already complained to her supervisor and the HR department.

GENTLE READER: Co-workers -- by which Miss Manners means workers of equal rank, not the faux charm with which the boss who just gave you a bad performance review introduces you as his co-worker -- have limited authority, either from HR or Miss Manners, to boss one another around.

They have still less ability to enforce behavioral changes. If neither the boss nor HR are willing to address your understandable, and serious, concern, then they should be asked if they can relocate you to a safe (not, please note, “a safer”) environment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a not-for-profit agency that provides grants to health care facilities to assist uninsured patients. I just received a lovely holiday gift from a group that we fund.

Although I am appreciative, I am somewhat offended by the gift, because the money used to purchase it could have been used more wisely. How can I graciously thank them and request that I not remain on their gift-giving list?

GENTLE READER: Given the gifting group’s dependence on your agency’s generosity, Miss Manners is not concerned that they will not listen when you object. She is concerned that they will hurt themselves in their haste to reassure you that they are neither misusing the funds you provided nor attempting to bribe your future generosity.

Call your contact at the group and say how much you appreciated the present. Then explain that your call has a second purpose: to suggest that they think of a way to express gratitude that does not cost money -- perhaps a handwritten letter, signed by their patients who have benefited from your agency’s largesse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)