Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which one is proper: the single mom calling the kids on Christmas Day to wish them a merry Christmas, or the kids calling the mom?

My middle son, 24 years old, called today and left a message saying he was disappointed that I didn’t call him on Christmas. I called him back and said I thought HE should have called ME.

Don’t kids call their parents (or single moms and dads) on special holidays and birthdays, or am I being old-fashioned? I’m confused.

GENTLE READER: Ah, the holiday spirit -- and its many ways to bear a grudge.

There is no etiquette rule that dictates who should initiate holiday calls. Alas, not even ones for single parents. The sole exception may be birthdays, but even those can be initiated by the honoree if they are in regards to receiving a card or present.

But Miss Manners strongly encourages you not to add this to the list of criteria upon which to measure love. Your relationships will be the better for it if you take the high road and simply call your children when you think of it. Even if you are thinking of it because you think they should call you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I cannot consume gluten. For two years now, a relative, who knows this but chooses not to remember it, has given my family candies at Christmas that “may contain wheat,” which means that I dare not eat them.

Last year, I sent a thank-you note saying that “my husband and daughter enjoyed the candies,” hoping the sender would take notice.

Is there a more direct way I can show appreciation for the thought, and yet get the message across that the gift is not appropriate for me -- the one who must both abstain and write the note?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Stop writing that note. Since they are the ones enjoying the present, your husband and daughter should do it. At the very least, it will relieve you of some resentment.

If, however, your relative asks how you enjoyed them or why the letter did not come from you, you may say, “Bart and Lola loved the candies, but unfortunately my gluten intolerance has always precluded me from enjoying them ...” And then Miss Manners suggests that you trail off wistfully, with the implication that next time the problem may be rectified.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband thinks it is proper for him to go to a birthday breakfast with a male friend who knows an old girlfriend of his, and leave me home because I would make a big deal at the breakfast. That’s his excuse.

GENTLE READER: And yours is that you wouldn’t?

If the fault is simply that your husband is still friends with someone who knows his ex, you might not have a legitimate case. If it is that your husband would rather spend his birthday talking about his ex-girlfriend than directly to you, well, then Miss Manners agrees. That might be a big deal.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please say something about the rudeness of asking people how much money they make?

I have a relative who sees nothing wrong with doing this. Sometimes it’s done during a party he is hosting, and other times he just asks, even if there are others present. When I’ve pointed out (in private) that this is rude, he says, “But I want to know.”

Please expand on the personal nature of money and salaries. He reads your column.

GENTLE READER: We are all of us curious about things that are none of our business -- that is why secrets and search engines were invented.

Miss Manners’ mailbox is flooded with letters about people who think they are owed presents and financial assistance by friends and relatives who show evidence of being “loaded.” This rude practice does not need any assistance by asking outright.

You may therefore assure your relative that it is unequivocally impolite to ask anyone how much money they make. Even if he really wants to know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a world where families live in separate parts of the country, I have a hard time keeping up with members of my own, especially nieces and nephews. I am not on social media, but even if I were, that would not give me addresses to send birthday cards or baby gifts.

I have politely and repeatedly asked parents for details when they mention that Lily or Leo has a new house or baby. But physical addresses or the date of a birth are difficult to come by.

Are new address notices or birth announcements no longer done? I understand that the families may be too busy to write letters to an aunt, but I enjoy sending cards and small gifts when appropriate. I need an address to do so.

Miss Manners can be assured that I never have showed up on a doorstep without an invitation. Most of these persons are listed in my estate planning, but I may need to make some concessions if they cannot be located.

GENTLE READER: What a confusing threat. Miss Manners feels certain, however, that these seemingly elusive relatives would find a way to publish their addresses if they knew that there would be a reward for it. In fact, they would probably provide it now.

Forgive the obvious, but have you considered asking them? Yes, it is laborious and announcements would make it easier, but forging a connection by calling them is a much better way to preserve the relationship now -- rather than inexplicably leaving them out of your will long after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As much as I love hearing from folks and/or reaching out to them, there comes a time when the call should come to an end. How does one politely bring it to a close?

GENTLE READER: Not by saying “I will let you go,” although Miss Manners has noticed that is a popular one. The sentiment is correct -- acknowledging the other person’s time constraints, rather than your own; it is just the phrasing that is awkward and transparent.

Instead, she suggests, “Well, it was lovely to talk to you ...” with nothing following it, except perhaps a plan to talk another time. Even if that next time is vague.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a 20-year disagreement on how to properly handle the situation when someone has food on their face.

We both agree that you would begin by discreetly and gently telling the other person that they have something on their face. The disagreement arises in how to tell them WHERE the food is.

When directly facing the person, I have always pointed to the spot on my own face, as if looking in a mirror. This has worked for me for years -- with everyone except my husband. He insists that if I am pointing to my left cheek, he should reverse what he sees (thinking about which side of my own face I am pointing at) and subsequently try to remove the food from his left cheek. He claims that his way is more logical and that he does not have to think about it consciously.

We have agreed to let Miss Manners settle the case, should she choose to do so. Please tell us: Does etiquette dictate whether to “mirror” or not? Which does Miss Manners do?

GENTLE READER: There is no agreed-upon convention, but even if there were, the awkwardness of such exchanges almost guarantees some period of fumbling.

Miss Manners therefore applauds your attempt to limit what follows from devolving into, “No, you haven’t quite got it. No, almost, but it’s still there. No, a little lower. No, your cheek.”

However, she would adopt a somewhat more direct approach: Lift your hand in front of you, on the side that needs to be cleaned, but without extending your fingers. By thus pointing without pointing, you will clarify your intent without the rudeness of sticking a finger in someone else’s face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law recently brought her dog to stay in my home for two months while her family relocates. She also brought a cute, sturdy canvas tote stitched with the dog’s name, holding an extra leash, two harnesses and assorted treats and meds.

When we send the dog back to her, she asked if I would mail the bag of supplies as well. Like most dog-related goods, the bag and harnesses have gotten muddy and haven’t been washed in a while. I’d love to toss it all in the laundry as I do routinely with my own dogs’ things, and send it all back fresh.

If Miss Manners will take me at my word that I have absolutely no double intent, other than making my SIL’s move a little easier, I would appreciate it. But will my SIL find some offense?

GENTLE READER: Expert though she is on all things etiquette-related, Miss Manners has long ago given up trying to predict what will cause people to take offense when they are determined to do so.

That said, there is a simple solution to your problem. Call your sister-in-law and tell her what you intend to do. When you explain that the purpose of the call was to check if there was any reason to be concerned that the tote’s stitching might be damaged in the wash, you will have removed even the indefensible reason for her to take offense.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)