Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both recovering from the coronavirus. At the beginning of a video call with another couple over the weekend, I asked them, “How are you keeping?”

And the answer came back, “We are keeping a lot better than you, by the sound of it.”

It certainly felt like a put-down. I let it pass because it probably would have been too upsetting to do much else. What would be a good reply -- or should I just blame my husband for having talked about his symptoms too much in a previous phone call?

GENTLE READER: It has come to Miss Manners' attention that people without ill intentions sometimes blurt out mildly hurtful observations, as she presumes happened in the case you describe. Whether the inspiration is a momentary lapse in judgment or a misguided attempt at humor or familiarity does not matter.

The correct response is not to pretend everything is fine, but to give a subtle indication that it is not fine, so that the speaker has a chance to revise those remarks for the record. A flat “hm” or pause qualifies; a scowl does not.

Blaming your husband for this exchange, even if he was overly forthcoming in a prior encounter, seems neither subtle nor fair.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some of my relatives hold political views that I find truly appalling. It has become apparent that their views are not merely different from my own, but rather that these relatives are fully on board with authoritarianism.

So far, I have bitten my tongue and kept silent, but I now feel that my silence gives them license to continue to loudly espouse these beliefs. I have come to the conclusion that there is no middle ground nor any polite way to “agree to disagree,” and have decided to shun them from this point forward.

Is there any way, under the rules of etiquette, for me to state plainly and clearly to them precisely why I have chosen to sever all contact with them? If I promise to do so in a neutral tone of voice and without letting my anger and disgust overcome me, can I tell them why? Or is the only appropriate and dignified approach to simply remain silent and cut contact?

GENTLE READER: You, together with your authoritarian-minded relatives, made your collective choice between finding a way to continue the relationship -- presumably by agreeing to mutual restraint, if not absolute silence -- and speaking your mind whatever the cost, which, in this case, will be the relationship.

You chose the latter. Miss Manners is therefore suspicious of your promise to be neutral and dignified now. What you propose is also unnecessary: They will know what happened -- just as you know, without having to be told, that Miss Manners cannot condone your scolding them as they walk out the door.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A gentleman I know only because he’s married to an old high school classmate has written and self-published a rather long novel on a topic I know and care nothing about. In a recent online get-together with his wife and some of our other high school chums, he asked if he could “pitch” his book to us, then proceeded to describe the book, where it could be purchased and for what price. We all politely expressed our admiration for his achievement.

Yesterday, a copy of the book arrived at my home. I immediately thanked the author in neutral terms: “Imagine my surprise when I discovered a copy of your tome on my doorstep! It is a handsome volume, indeed. Thanks so much for adding it to my library!”

But now I am at a loss as to what to do when he inevitably queries me about what I thought of it. I don’t want to lie, yet I also don’t want to hurt this fellow’s feelings about a work he says he wrote over a 35-year period.

GENTLE READER: Would you consider it a lie to say, “I’m looking forward to reading it”?

Yes? Well, then, how about, “I’m anxious to read it”?

“Anxious” doesn’t mean the same thing as “eager,” you know. And you do sound to Miss Manners as if you are truly anxious at the prospect of having to read it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have appalling manners over the phone and on email. I am condescending, abusive and rude. My grammar and spelling are terrible, as well; I use ALL CAPS for no reason and misuse punctuation (my favorite is to use several exclamation points or question marks to really communicate the contempt I have for other humans). IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME????!!

GENTLE READER: NONE! Not when you are so proud of your failings as to make sure to repeat them in such an obviously provocative fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please, once again, state the rule for when thank-you notes for wedding gifts should be sent out? (Perhaps you could state this in large type, bolded?) My friends who are mothers-of-brides tell me that brides have a year to write thank-yous, and I have been unable to find Miss Manners’ guidelines via online searches.

Miss Manners, I’m on my elderly, arthritic knees! I never know if my carefully chosen gifts are received!

GENTLE READER: What, again? As if Miss Manners hasn’t pointed this out a million times?

Come on, folks. You’ve heard of feedback. You give it all the time to people you don’t even know. How can you begrudge it to someone you do know, who has been -- perhaps foolishly -- generous to you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a 58-year-old man raised in the South, and husband of 32 years to an amazing and cool wife, I’m confused. Ladies are always served first, but my wife says the cook is served last. What’s a husband to do when it’s just the two of us?

GENTLE READER: You could solve the problem by doing all the cooking. But here is another rule: One always serves others before oneself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In connection with a question about butter pats, a letter writer stated, “I know that dinner rolls and butter are not traditionally part of a formal dinner service.” You didn’t comment about that, but let it stand.

Is that true?

Please define a “formal dinner” for us. Is it when diners dress in cocktail dresses and evening gowns, or is it when a large family has Christmas dinner with children and babies present? Or is it just when we invite friends to meet us at a restaurant? My husband won’t return to a restaurant that doesn’t serve bread and butter with the meal!

I hope you can clear this up for us. My family is very conflicted over this question right now.

GENTLE READER: Please calm down your husband by assuring him that slow-food restaurants will always offer him bread. They must, because their patrons arrive hungry, expecting to then decide what they want to have cooked for them.

This is different from a formal dinner, which typically has several courses that the host has decided upon, and which are timed so that service can begin when the guests are seated.

But Miss Manners cannot get away with that as a definition of a formal dinner -- especially with that use of “typically,” which she threw in because a formal dinner could be three courses or, as at some 19th-century banquets, 18. In any case, there is plenty of food and no waiting, so there is no need to fill up on bread -- although some dishes may be accompanied by toast points or special crackers.

However, breaking the no-bread rule is not a high crime. Miss Manners is not one to deny bread to those who crave it.

Meanwhile, however, the concept of formality keeps changing. For some, it means eating from a table instead of on a tray. And what is now considered formal dress, known as “black tie,” was once informal in comparison with “white tie.”

Today, any staged dinner -- that is to say, one in which an effort has been made to decorate the table, around which everyone is seated at the same time; participants “dress up,” to whatever degree is customary in their circle; the courses are served in turn; and table manners are somewhat restrained, to the extent that bones are not chewed from the hand -- would be considered somewhat formal.

As nightly family dinners like this have become rare, guests are probably involved, and yes, that may include the extended family at holiday meals. Or, in some families, may not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have four children, each born two years apart and in the same month of the year, leading to a variety of observations and comments from many.

Several people have actually gone as far as to ask me how this precise spacing was achieved, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I give them details?

GENTLE READER: Good gracious, no. Please don’t even give Miss Manners the details.

To your nosy questioners, you should respond, “In the usual way. If you don’t know, please ask someone you know better to explain it to you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)