Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a widower from my church for more than four years. But when he comes to church, he acts like he does not know me.

Our church has a lunch program every Sunday, and he hasn't sat with me and eaten with me. When he goes on vacation, it's usually with his three kids, their spouses and his five grandkids. They have been to China, France, Germany, Iceland, Canada and Mexico.

Every holiday, he spends with his family. He also says he does not celebrate his birthday, so he does not even know mine. When I say, "I would be happy to receive fresh flowers," his response is, "My wife never asked for anything like that."

He does not introduce me to anybody and he likes to keep me as a secret friend. How should I handle this cheap, stubborn, self-centered person? Now I just talk to him occasionally on the phone, with no more intimacy.

He has said in the past that he wants to be my friend, but he has no plans for a future with me and he is not looking for marriage.

GENTLE READER: Yes, he has made that quite clear. Miss Manners recommends that you continue disassociating with him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want my twins to express thanks for their birthday gifts, but I am new to birthday party etiquette since we've only done small parties with family until now. They will be turning 6 and are able to write short sentences.

When we invited their classmates (all of them, of course) to the party, we used a website to send the invitations to the parents' email addresses, which were provided by the school. Do I now ask the parents by email for their street addresses so the twins can mail their thank-you cards? Or do I just have the kids type their thanks, whether on the same website or in an email to the parents?

Another question: If one gift was given for both girls, can one girl write the note and both sign it, or should I have them each write a separate note?

And, lastly, did I make a faux pas by using electronic invitations? (Asking for next year!)

GENTLE READER: Electronic invitations are allowed for informal events -- as long as the generic thank-you email that so often accompanies them is not issued afterward. However, asking for mailing addresses for written invitations -- that is, before the party -- shows far more finesse than doing so later, when it is obvious it is for the children's thank-you letters.

Because write those letters, Miss Manners is afraid, they must.

Learning to write a good thank-you letter on proper stationery is a rite of passage of which you should not deprive your twins. It is a chance to teach them gratitude and penmanship -- and patience, as they learn to construct rough drafts or copy useful sentences.

Miss Manners will, however, allow the children to divide the responsibility, each writing on behalf of the other (since two cannot, of course, write one letter): "Elise joins me in thanking you for the mini trampoline. We are both excited to use it and bounce out what Mommy calls our frightening amount of energy."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors bought a third vehicle for their family. Because their driveway is narrow, they have begun parking two of their vehicles to the side of the drive, on the lawn toward the side of my front yard.

When a family in this part of the world has too many cars for the driveway, the usual procedure is to construct a rock or shell "off-parking pad" that clearly delineates where vehicles are to be parked and keeps the lawns from being torn up when wet. My neighbors have not constructed any sort of containment area, and I have noticed that their parking is gradually creeping forward and getting closer and closer to my front lawn.

I don't want to start a feud over this problem, but I also don't want my neighbors parking on my lawn.

GENTLE READER: It is challenging to forestall anticipated bad behavior, because it means accusing people of things they have not actually done. "Near your garden" and "in your garden" are different, in both law and etiquette.

The solution is to establish boundaries -- usually metaphorically, but in your case, also literally. Build a fence, plant a bush or provide a strip of bare dirt or gravel -- something that will at least make it clear when an infraction has occurred, and preferably will give warning before it does.

Miss Manners recognizes your desire to take more active measures, but she assures you that the sudden appearance of a boundary marker will not pass unnoticed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my best friends enjoys showing her love with gifts. We have children who are the same age, and she sends my children a gift for every holiday: Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, plus birthdays.

I used to reciprocate, which I know she greatly appreciated, but now I find the time, effort and cost to be too stressful. And to be honest, I feel that eight gifts a year per child is excessive.

My husband and I decided we will only send gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I wanted to have a conversation with her about it, but was afraid she would be insulted. So I thought she would get the hint when I stopped sending the extra gifts, but that hasn't happened either.

What is the best way to manage this situation? We appreciate her generosity, but feel overwhelmed by it.

GENTLE READER: Giving eight gifts per year to the children of a friend does seem excessive, even without knowing the specific number of children involved.

While you know your friend best, Miss Manners would not have been surprised that scaling back your own largesse, without explanation, was too subtle for her. And if she is unaware of your feelings, she may take offense at the suspension of reciprocity.

Tell her you are overwhelmed by her generosity over the years, but now that the children are growing up, it is time to scale back. She is more likely to be disappointed than insulted, which is why stressing your gratitude (without giving ground) is the approach most likely to succeed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My name is unusual, and admittedly not pronounced the way it looks on paper to English speakers. Because of that, I usually answer to all sorts of permutations of my name when speaking with people with whom I do not have either a friendly or business relationship.

However, with people I expect to work with or see more frequently, I offer the correct pronunciation of my name the first few times they get it wrong. If they are really struggling with it, I even offer a mnemonic to help them to remember. My name consists of only two syllables, so it is not that difficult to get it right.

For how long should I offer assistance to people who, for whatever reason, just can't get it right?

GENTLE READER: At a certain point -- and there is no hard rule about when this happens -- repetition of the mistake becomes studied disrespect.

Rather than give up, that is the time to identify a third party in a position of authority: a spouse, a boss, a mutual friend -- or a human resources director.

What you are seeking from that person is not advice (which is easy for them to give), but some personal intervention, and it is therefore necessary to be direct.

Well, somewhat direct. "I am sure this is not meant as intentional disrespect," Miss Manners would have you say to the third party, when soliciting their intervention, "but because it has been going on for months, it feels that way to me." This gives the offender a way out without letting the third party off so easily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think I was taught good table manners, including not talking with your mouth full, keeping your lips closed while chewing, not gulping food, etc. But I am wondering if I missed an important point.

I've lately noticed several women -- my sister, my daughter-in-law and a couple of friends -- who cover their mouths with their left hands while they are chewing. The food is conveyed to their mouths with the fork held in the right hand, and the fork and right hand rest on the plate until the next bite.

Did I miss something? Is it more polite or delicate to cover one's mouth while chewing? I've occasionally copied this, and my husband chides me for having my hands on my face.

GENTLE READER: As you are on intimate terms with the people in question, you might ask them where they got this strange notion. Your sister cannot claim a different cultural background from you.

Miss Manners suspects this is a misguided attempt to ensure 100% compliance with the principle of not being seen chewing with one's mouth open.

Etiquette has many rules to protect people from the unpleasant sights, smells and sounds of their nearest and dearest. She relies on everyone not only to apply them in good faith -- but also to overlook tiny infractions by others. Making up new rules is not only confusing, it is endless, as there is always another percent of a percent to be found.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)