Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been friends with someone for many years. For the most part, he is a lovely and thoughtful person and has given us gifts over the years, some of which we have used and others not so much.

When I was cleaning out a closet, I came upon something that had not been used for a while and asked him if he would like the item back. He replied that he checks the closet whenever he comes to our house and noticed the item still had not been used.

I was somewhat taken aback that someone would do this (snoop in a closet), and did not know how to respond.

GENTLE READER: "Oh dear. So that's where you disappeared. We'll have to work on being more entertaining so that we don't lose you to our private rooms."

For your own edification, Miss Manners assures you that snooping is a transgression, but so is offering to give a present back. But she supposes that you learned that lesson already from your friend's response.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy hosting dinner parties in our home. My husband does not drink alcohol, and I recently decided to stop drinking for health reasons. My close friends know that I stopped drinking and are generally supportive, but I have not told others.

In the past, our dinner parties always included wine, beer and perhaps a signature cocktail. We did not serve alcohol at a recent family dinner party, and I think my brother-in-law was disappointed.

In the future, must we serve alcohol? If we don't plan to serve alcohol at a party, what is the best way to convey that to our guests beforehand? I don't mind serving alcohol, and I don't mind others drinking around me, but I think it's best not to keep any alcohol in the house.

If we do serve alcohol at a party, would it be rude to ask a guest to take away any leftovers? (I suppose we could dispose of it down the drain, but what a waste for those poor grapes to have died in vain, particularly if the bottle was not opened.) And if a guest brings alcohol as a gift, what is the most polite way to handle it?

GENTLE READER: Serve it to them. Here is an exception to Miss Manners' rule that guests should not bring food or drink when they are about to be served food or drink. You should not solicit it, but when the inevitable question of "What can we bring?" comes up, you may respond, "Thank you. We should have everything, but Murray and I don't drink alcohol anymore, so if there's something special you would like, we can either get it for you or it would be lovely for you to bring it."

Then they will have been forewarned when you pack it up for them at the end of the night.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to wear dress pants instead of a dress or skirt to the party celebrating my husband and me on our 50th anniversary?

GENTLE READER: As you are the host (or presumably in close contact with the person who is), you may set the style.

Please promise Miss Manners, however, that you will not confuse your guests by trying to indicate the level of dress on the invitation with meaningless terms like "semi-formal," "creative cocktail" or "festive casual." The degree of formality should be indicated by the invitation's delivery system (electronic vs. cream linen stationery), wording ("Come on over!" vs. "The pleasure of your company is requested"), venue (backyard vs. hotel ballroom) or simply by knowing you for the better part of 50 years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What, pray tell, is a "pre-wedding toast" event?

A longtime, but casual, friend -- the father of the bride, whom I have never met -- has sent an electronic invitation (about which I will say nothing) to attend "Bride and Groom's Pre-Wedding Toast." It is an afternoon event on a certain date at a certain location. That is the entire message in the invitation.

No method to RSVP is provided. I will, therefore, respond to the gentleman's personal email address -- while refraining from clicking the tempting "unsubscribe" link within the invitation.

Although I am unable to attend, I would appreciate knowing what is expected at such an event, if I were to receive such an invitation again in the future. Would one be expected to provide a gift to the betrothed couple? What would one expect to occur at the event itself, other than smiling and offering best wishes or congratulations to the appropriate parties?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners shares your confusion (and distaste for the method of delivery), the purpose of the party seems to be stated in its title: to announce an engagement. And trusting that the invitee has the means to figure how to contact the host for an RSVP is correct.

What this vague invitation does have going for it is that unlike an engagement party, this event does not force its attendees to start the long path to wedding present fatigue, years in advance. It simply celebrates the betrothed with a modest party and a toast, as it should be.

However, it is also possible that if the event is right before the actual wedding, you are being invited to an adjacent event rather than the wedding itself. But again, no presents are being demanded, and for that we should be grateful. Either way, Miss Manners will take the win and suggests that you do, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm old-fashioned: I believe the most appropriate response to hospitality is reciprocation. Is there a polite way to tell a non-reciprocator that repeatedly making vague invitations (e.g. "Jenny and I want to have you over for dinner sometime soon") is irritating and that you would like them to stop making them?

GENTLE READER: "We would love that. When is good?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How in the world did the current conversational "filler word" become "perfect!"? And how do we discourage this annoying "grading" of everything?

Nowadays, it seems, one cannot have any conversation regarding a transaction without one's response being graded as "perfect!" by the questioner. It often even becomes catlike with a "purrrfect" judgment of me or my response to their question.

GENTLE READER: The wording of conventional responses seldom bears up under close scrutiny, as Miss Manners would have told a hypothetical gentleman of a past generation who objected that the clerk was wrong to call his purchase "Very good, sir."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My physician is also a family friend of over 40 years. He is now in his eighth decade, and has been quite remarkable in his health and abilities. But after these many years of excellent care, I have noticed in the past year that his skills and mental acuity are failing.

He insists that he will not retire until next year. However, I am concerned that he will make a mistake -- if not with my care, then with another patient's. I should like to switch to another physician.

This is a delicate matter because of the long friendship with both our families. Would you be able to guide me in a conversation that will end the professional care, but not damage the friendship?

GENTLE READER: This is not an easy conversation to have with a very dear friend.

The solution is to seek out an intermediary with whom you are close and who is closer to your physician friend than you. This may be a spouse, another patient who might evaluate your observation, or another member of the practice group who is qualified to judge.

Expressing your concern to that person will be easier for you to do, although Miss Manners recognizes the problem she is thereby creating for the family member or colleague. And she reminds you that speaking to one of the doctor's colleagues, who can do a professional evaluation, may result in his being retired against his will -- an action that may or may not be necessary, depending on his level of professional deterioration.

Meanwhile, you can say that you want to begin transitioning to another doctor in anticipation of his retirement next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He has two daughters from a previous marriage. They have actively hated me since the very beginning.

They are now grown women: 41 and 37 years old. After our last visit, I have decided to quietly bow out -- it is long past time, and my husband agrees. I will still make sure birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions are observed by their father. As well, he can visit them and they can visit him as they all wish.

I obviously won't be there the next time they're all together. What should my husband say? Neither of us is looking for a huge blowup among them.

GENTLE READER: "She couldn't make it this time" -- repeated each time as if it were the first.

Miss Manners offers this as the surest path to the quiet you understandably desire. She does not pretend that it will reform bad behavior, mend relationships, or satisfy those who feel that brutal honesty is better for family health than avoiding angry blowups.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)