Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am based in the Washington, D.C., area and must correspond with colleagues all over the world, particularly in Europe. When I log in for the day, I see correspondence from them already because of the time difference.

When I respond, should I greet them by writing "Good morning," even though it is well into their afternoon? Or should I write "Good afternoon"?

GENTLE READER: Knowing your correspondent's time zone is not enough to determine when your response will be read, which is why such greetings as "Dear Sir" and "My dearest love" date back to communications that could take months to arrive, sometimes still damp from a storm at sea.

But the question you raise is important for real-time communication across time zones. "Good afternoon" is shorthand for wishing that your recipient have a good afternoon, a sentiment that Miss Manners feels will make more sense if you adopt the time zone of the recipient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last three years, my adult son has made a generous contribution to a nonprofit. He then sends a card to me and to other family members, informing us that he has made this gift in our honor for Christmas.

While I am glad that he is generous, the organization isn't one that any of us are particularly interested in. My son serves on their board and believes in the mission -- great for him! I have always thought that a gift of that type is given to a cause the receiver supports.

Of course I have thanked him for this gift, and occasionally ask about how things are going with the organization. I have never made a contribution myself.

When I'm feeling snarky, I consider making a contribution "in his honor" to one of several charities I support, rather than work at finding a gift that he would enjoy, but is perfectly capable of purchasing himself. Then I feel childish!

Am I correct in thinking he is a bit misguided? Do I continue to thank him and be glad he thinks of me and is generous to his cause? Do I contribute to "my" organization in his honor and let it go?

When I have talked about this with my family, they all agree his method is not the norm, but nothing to make a fuss over. I suppose my burning question, if I am correct, is: Do I find a way to politely let him know I would rather he contribute to something I support?

GENTLE READER: Turning it into a tug-of-war over where the money goes is not a solution; it is an invitation to debate the relative merits of his nonprofit versus yours.

But you are right that his present is what Miss Manners would call thoughtless. Her solution is to tell him how happy you are that he has found a cause he is passionate about. But as it is his cause, not yours, he should, in future, make the donation in his own name. You will feel just as loved if you do not receive Christmas presents. (All of which is your speech to your son. Miss Manners is not asking you to believe that you will feel less loved sans present.)

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married into a very nice family. They are a fairly small group, as are we, so we have celebrated holidays together since our children married, usually alternating hosting.

We did this on Thanksgiving and I hosted. I prepared the same meal I would've prepared regardless -- and yes, it represents a great deal of work, which I am happy to do.

When they host, however, it's a more modest repast, not because of finances, but simply because they don't have much interest in cooking or baking. I was concerned, after one or two of these frozen-chicken-cutlet, can-of-mixed-vegetables events, that they would feel we were showing off; they have sometimes looked a bit astounded at our table.

I asked my daughter and son-in-law if I should tone things down on our next turn. They emphatically said "No!" and that they would be disappointed not to enjoy all their traditional favorites on these occasions. My daughter further chalks it up to cultural differences, while these meals seem very standard to us.

Do you think I am being offensive to guests who don't care to go through so much bother when they entertain?

GENTLE READER: Please listen to your children. What Miss Manners would deem highly offensive is to convey the message, "You don't bother to give us a fancy meal, so we're going to stop bothering to give you one."

Surely it is more in the spirit of family harmony and holiday spirit to assume that people are doing their best, however much or little their best measures up to yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner and told, "Just bring yourself." When I got there, people were bringing in food, so I asked whether I was supposed to bring something.

The answer was "yes."

When I have guests over, I ask everyone just to come. Is this a new thing, that a host wants everyone to bring food, even when they say "Just bring yourself"?

GENTLE READER: That certainly was a mean trick that your host played on you -- telling you not to bring anything, and then chastising you for obeying. Or perhaps another guest was pointlessly making you feel bad.

A number of unauthorized social instructions have grown up in recent years. "No gifts," for example, which is well meant, but has come to be interpreted as its opposite -- or, worse, that cash is expected. Miss Manners cannot countenance condemning those who follow such explicit instructions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband hates onions. Our daughter-in-law has known this for 12 years. Every year, she makes stuffing for Thanksgiving that has many onions in it.

This year, my husband asked if he could make his own non-onion stuffing and add it to the dinner. Our daughter-in-law and son were totally insulted and upset about his request.

This has caused a big problem. Was my husband wrong in asking?

GENTLE READER: Everyone sounds unpleasantly touchy here. But if your husband cannot get through Thanksgiving without eating stuffing, Miss Manners suggests he have his fill at home without criticizing his hosts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

The guests were assigned to either bring a pie and/or some wine. That was their only contribution. After the meal was over, my partner's daughter got up from the table and opened a large backpack, which I had assumed was for the toddler's things.

Nope. It was full of food containers. She asked if I wanted any leftovers, to which I said, "Yes, of course."

She then proceeded to take all the best cuts of the turkey, all the trimmings and side dishes, the stuffing that was in the bird (the best part) and even 90% of the leftover desserts -- a pie she brought, a pecan pie I provided and a cake her mother-in-law made. She left us one piece of pecan and two small pieces of pumpkin.

I was so flabbergasted, I couldn't speak. I thought the Grinch Who Stole Christmas had arrived early. She just packed it all up and left.

I still cannot get over it. I am angry, resentful and more than annoyed. It is not that I wouldn't have offered her some leftovers. Of course I would. But she just marched in as if they were hers.

Her father said nothing, and I know better than to broach the subject with him. Not wise.

Am I being too sensitive? I thought it was just about the rudest, most entitled and most disrespectful behavior I'd ever witnessed and I took it entirely personally, as an affront toward me and my position in the family. I am not her meal cooker or servant. I lost all respect for her. What would you suggest I do?

GENTLE READER: Serve plated food at Christmas, accepting no contributions from others.

Of course it was rude and crass, but so many people are doing this that you should not take it personally. Miss Manners has speculated on the possible reasons:

1. So many meals -- not just holiday feasts -- are now cooperative that those who bring food are sharing the duties of the host, and claiming the privileges.

2. The habit of eating in restaurants, where diners may take home the leftover food for which they have paid, has unfortunately been extended to private dinners.

3. An adult child may feel that her parent's home is still her own, which includes raiding the refrigerator.

4. Rampant greed is everywhere, and people are grabbing whatever they can get away with taking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is getting married, and she informed me that to save money, they would not be inviting my husband to the wedding, as well as a few other spouses of possible attendees.

I have never heard of this. Is that mannerly?

GENTLE READER: Did she say "nyah, nyah" when issuing this non-invitation? She might as well have. Miss Manners need hardly say that admitting to preferring to do away with someone's presence, and pocket the money it might cost to entertain him, is not charming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)