DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the pandemic, with restaurants limiting the number of patrons at one table, my friend would often send dinner invites to eight friends, stating that only six could be seated, so the first five people to answer "yes" could go.

I always declined, as my going would have left someone else out. Is it acceptable behavior to have this lottery system for dinner?

GENTLE READER: No, not for a dinner gathering. But it might be overlooked in the case of the most casual get-togethers among intimates -- a classification that includes, "Who wants to go out for ice cream?" and "This day is never going to end. Time for a coffee?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My longtime friend, Annie, has invited me to lunch with herself and her other longtime friend, Jenny. We've gone out three times now. At each of these three meals, Annie and Jenny ordered food together, which they shared and excluded me from.

It's uncomfortable for me, but I'd like to keep seeing them. What should I do or say?

GENTLE READER: Nothing. Miss Manners grants that their behavior is odd, and even inconsiderate, but not asking you to commingle food is a better problem to have than commingling food without asking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has been married to a woman for almost seven years, and together they have three daughters. For the first two years, during the holidays, I sent my daughter-in-law's parents a small but nice gift basket, along with a warm note wishing them a wonderful holiday and thanking them for "co-grandparenting our granddaughters." I never received a "thank you" or any sort of acknowledgment from them.

Two years after my son and his wife married, her father passed away. Four months later, her mother remarried. This caused a lot of tension within the family, and my daughter-in-law and her siblings have had a very hard time accepting this new marriage.

I still continue to send a small token gift, and still have not received an acknowledgment. I have extended holiday dinner invitations to my daughter-in-law's mother and her husband (with my DIL's permission) because I think we should all just get along, and I would like my grandchildren to see both sets of grandparents. The invitations are accepted but then declined, usually on the day of the event.

My husband tells me to stop the gift baskets and the invitations. I know that I can't fix this mess between them, but I do not want there to be any regrets in the future. Should I stop, as my husband requested me to do?

GENTLE READER: You can have no reason for future regrets, which suggests that the remorse you wish to prevent is that of your daughter-in-law's mother.

Based on her behavior to date, there is little reason to worry about this. And as someone who is used to interacting with people who would have been happier had they heeded her advice, Miss Manners agrees with your husband that it is past time to stop holding out the olive branch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am based in the Washington, D.C., area and must correspond with colleagues all over the world, particularly in Europe. When I log in for the day, I see correspondence from them already because of the time difference.

When I respond, should I greet them by writing "Good morning," even though it is well into their afternoon? Or should I write "Good afternoon"?

GENTLE READER: Knowing your correspondent's time zone is not enough to determine when your response will be read, which is why such greetings as "Dear Sir" and "My dearest love" date back to communications that could take months to arrive, sometimes still damp from a storm at sea.

But the question you raise is important for real-time communication across time zones. "Good afternoon" is shorthand for wishing that your recipient have a good afternoon, a sentiment that Miss Manners feels will make more sense if you adopt the time zone of the recipient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last three years, my adult son has made a generous contribution to a nonprofit. He then sends a card to me and to other family members, informing us that he has made this gift in our honor for Christmas.

While I am glad that he is generous, the organization isn't one that any of us are particularly interested in. My son serves on their board and believes in the mission -- great for him! I have always thought that a gift of that type is given to a cause the receiver supports.

Of course I have thanked him for this gift, and occasionally ask about how things are going with the organization. I have never made a contribution myself.

When I'm feeling snarky, I consider making a contribution "in his honor" to one of several charities I support, rather than work at finding a gift that he would enjoy, but is perfectly capable of purchasing himself. Then I feel childish!

Am I correct in thinking he is a bit misguided? Do I continue to thank him and be glad he thinks of me and is generous to his cause? Do I contribute to "my" organization in his honor and let it go?

When I have talked about this with my family, they all agree his method is not the norm, but nothing to make a fuss over. I suppose my burning question, if I am correct, is: Do I find a way to politely let him know I would rather he contribute to something I support?

GENTLE READER: Turning it into a tug-of-war over where the money goes is not a solution; it is an invitation to debate the relative merits of his nonprofit versus yours.

But you are right that his present is what Miss Manners would call thoughtless. Her solution is to tell him how happy you are that he has found a cause he is passionate about. But as it is his cause, not yours, he should, in future, make the donation in his own name. You will feel just as loved if you do not receive Christmas presents. (All of which is your speech to your son. Miss Manners is not asking you to believe that you will feel less loved sans present.)

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married into a very nice family. They are a fairly small group, as are we, so we have celebrated holidays together since our children married, usually alternating hosting.

We did this on Thanksgiving and I hosted. I prepared the same meal I would've prepared regardless -- and yes, it represents a great deal of work, which I am happy to do.

When they host, however, it's a more modest repast, not because of finances, but simply because they don't have much interest in cooking or baking. I was concerned, after one or two of these frozen-chicken-cutlet, can-of-mixed-vegetables events, that they would feel we were showing off; they have sometimes looked a bit astounded at our table.

I asked my daughter and son-in-law if I should tone things down on our next turn. They emphatically said "No!" and that they would be disappointed not to enjoy all their traditional favorites on these occasions. My daughter further chalks it up to cultural differences, while these meals seem very standard to us.

Do you think I am being offensive to guests who don't care to go through so much bother when they entertain?

GENTLE READER: Please listen to your children. What Miss Manners would deem highly offensive is to convey the message, "You don't bother to give us a fancy meal, so we're going to stop bothering to give you one."

Surely it is more in the spirit of family harmony and holiday spirit to assume that people are doing their best, however much or little their best measures up to yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner and told, "Just bring yourself." When I got there, people were bringing in food, so I asked whether I was supposed to bring something.

The answer was "yes."

When I have guests over, I ask everyone just to come. Is this a new thing, that a host wants everyone to bring food, even when they say "Just bring yourself"?

GENTLE READER: That certainly was a mean trick that your host played on you -- telling you not to bring anything, and then chastising you for obeying. Or perhaps another guest was pointlessly making you feel bad.

A number of unauthorized social instructions have grown up in recent years. "No gifts," for example, which is well meant, but has come to be interpreted as its opposite -- or, worse, that cash is expected. Miss Manners cannot countenance condemning those who follow such explicit instructions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband hates onions. Our daughter-in-law has known this for 12 years. Every year, she makes stuffing for Thanksgiving that has many onions in it.

This year, my husband asked if he could make his own non-onion stuffing and add it to the dinner. Our daughter-in-law and son were totally insulted and upset about his request.

This has caused a big problem. Was my husband wrong in asking?

GENTLE READER: Everyone sounds unpleasantly touchy here. But if your husband cannot get through Thanksgiving without eating stuffing, Miss Manners suggests he have his fill at home without criticizing his hosts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)